The Conman versus The Junkie
by Wickedgal08
Summary: Sawyer and Charlie take part in a series of outrageous bets and tasks in order to outwit the other. Who will triumph? I'd love to hear any suggestions you may have and as always please R &R!
1. Chapter 1 The Trek

**The Conman vs The Junkie**

**Part 1 The Trek**

"You can't be serious." Sawyer moaned.

"Oh shut up and stop whining." Charlie snapped. "Be a man for once in your life."

"Don't question my sexual identity, chuckles!" Sawyer retorted. "At least I can tie my own shoelaces!"

"It's hard for some people!"

"Sure, sure. And I woke up this morning and married Jack."

"Don't even kid about that Sawyer." Jack warned. "I've just eaten."

Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Give me strength." He muttered. Stuck with these losers for three days. How could things get any worse?

They were discussing a long manly trek into the woods as a challenge set by Kate. It had all started when Kate claimed she was more fit than any of the lads thus provoking an uproar. She had set them a task to survive a three day trek into the woods. Sawyer had scoffed and said he could do it with his hands tied behind his back. To Jack's delight and Charlie's mirth, his wish was granted.

"Need a hand Sawyer?" Charlie grinned. It was set to be Jack, Sawyer and Charlie who were taking part in the trek.

"You'll be laughing on the other side of your face if you don't shut it small fry!" Sawyer snapped.

"What ya gonna hit me with? Your nose?"

A kick in the shins gave him the answer he required.

"Why do you two have to be so competitive?" Kate enquired. "It's normally Jack and Sawyer. Not Charlie."

"Sawyer can't accept that I'm more buff than him." Charlie replied with a grin.

"What?!" Sawyer nearly shrieked. "Don't make me laugh! A stick insect has more muscles than you!"

Jack and Kate rolled their eyes simultaneously.

"I'm gonna camp here so this will be our meeting spot." Kate explained. "The winner is basically who survives." She grinned mischievously.

"Will someone itch my nose?" Sawyer complained. "Preferably not the chuckle brothers here." He glared in Jack and Charlie's direction. Kate laughed and then went to scratch his nose.

"This should be a piece of cake for you Sawyer. You can't even itch your own nose." Charlie and Jack howled with laughter.

"As soon as I get my hands untied you're both going down." Sawyer muttered. Kate grinned.

"Off you go then boys. Good luck!" She waved them off and then smirked as she watched Sawyer fall after about 5 seconds.

"This DOESN'T COUNT!" A muffled yell could be heard. Jack and Charlie lifted him up with a snort and then they set off properly.

"Where did Kate say we were heading to?" Charlie enquired.

"Up to the top of these hills and back again." Jack explained, gesturing to the map that Sayid had lent them.

Sawyer was sulking. He hadn't got off to the best start. There HAD to be a way to beat Chucky at his own game. But how? Then his scowl turned into a sly grin. Jack was the only impartial person here, so maybe, just maybe, he could get him on his side. Then he would have his fun. He cackled silently, then winced as he promptly walked into a tree, causing Charlie to snigger loudly. Terrific.

They walked in silence for a good half an hour before Jack called for them to stop. They made camp near a small stream under the shade of the trees as the sun began to set. Charlie was the first to get to sleep, leaving Jack and Sawyer to put up with his snoring.

"Hey doc..." Sawyer began slyly. Jack stared at him warily, wondering what he wanted.

"Yes Sawyer?" He asked. Sawyer grinned.

"To make this journey more...interesting shall we say? How about you and I play a little joke on Charlie boy there?"

"What kind of joke?" Jack asked suspiciously.

Sawyer merely smiled and tapped his nose mysteriously.

Charlie woke up, yawning as the first rays of morning were visible in the sky. He stretched his legs out but found he couldn't quite get them away from each other. He frowned and tried to stand up but all that happened was that he fell backwards with his arms flailing wildly like a propellor. Charlie made an attempt to get up three times before he swung to the side and clutched a nearby tree to help him stand up.

"Damn you Sawyer!" He cursed as he saw a piece of rope wrapped firmly around his legs. He wriggled his legs but failed to loosen his shackles. But how could a man with hands lashed around his back tie up his legs? Unless...

"Ooh, touché Sawyer." He muttered. "Since when did you get Jack to do your dirty work for ya?" That was when he noticed there was dead silence. He looked round and saw Sawyer and Jack were nowhere in sight. They had packed up and left him.

"Ooh you guys are so busted!" Charlie yelled. He tentatively put one foot forward, awkward as it was, and nearly fell over again. Humiliated but still determined to hunt down his so-called friends, Charlie started hopping in a random direction. Then moments later he screamed in pain. And again as he finally managed to stand up again.

"Ha! The little munchkin won't be able to keep up with me! Mwuhahaha!" Sawyer cackled evilly.

"Ok who are you talking to when you do that?" Jack asked, bored. They were setting off again, minus Charlie of course, making a good steady pace.

"No one of course." Sawyer said, sounding surprised. "I just want to practise my evil laugh for when I BEAT HIM AND WIN THE GIRL!"

Jack yawned. "Two things to point out here Sawyer," He said slowly as if talking to a dumb child. " One. Kate is not a prize. And two. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Sawyer grinned. "Hakuna Matata doc. No worries."

Jack just rolled his eyes. The words that sprung to his mind at the moment were _idiot, insane_ and _dumbass. _

"You know he's probably gonna get hurt you know. Your hands don't control how you move so you have an unfair advantage." He pointed out.

"Exactly." Sawyer smirked.

"You're gay you know that don't ya?"

"And you're what? A sex magnet?"

"That's out of line Sawyer!"

"So's your mother!"

"Leave my mommy out of this!"

"You're _mommy?" _

Jack was speechless. Sawyer smirked at him knowing he won this little battle of wits. All of a sudden they heard a big thump followed by a familiar British voice cursing. Then another thump. More cursing.

"Damn. He's faster than I thought." Sawyer muttered.

"As an impartial but equally useful member of the group, I should point out that he may be hurt. Can I at least check him out?" Jack turned scarlet as he realised the double meaning of what he had just said.

"Well, well doc." Sawyer taunted. "Harbouring secret attractions for Sir-Limps-A-Lot are we? By all means check him out. Don't let me get in your way."

"You KNOW that's NOT what I meant." Jack growled. "And at least I have my hands to beat you to death with. What have you got? Your sarcasm? Ooh scary!"

Sawyer's smirk abruptly dropped. Then it re-emerged as an exhausted Charlie hopped his way into the clearing.

"Hey look Doc! Tigger's back!" He grinned.

"Not funny Sawyer!" Charlie panted. "If you wanted a fair-footed fight at least let me have my feet to fight with!"

"Who said anything about playing fair?"

"I did," Jack said quietly but no one listened to him.

"Look buster!" Charlie snapped. "No one said this was a contest between you and me. I thought we were trying to prove Kate wrong?"

"Yeah but adding internal competition is more interesting."

"More like moronic and childish. Not unlike yourself I guess."

"You really need better comebacks."

"You really need to get a life!"

Jack felt like a third wheel as the banter between Sawyer and Charlie continued. He untied Charlie's legs unbeknownst to the other two and then released Sawyer's hands. He felt like he could have thrown a boulder at them and they wouldn't have noticed.

"YO!! THERE'S A POLAR BEAR!" He screamed. Finally he got their attention. They stared at him.

"If you've quite finished with this childishness, can we get on with the trek?" He sounded peeved.

"Whatever you say doc, you're the hero." Sawyer shrugged.

They trekked for an hour in silence with only the odd comment from Sawyer regarding the lack of people. By people he meant 'others'. Soon the hills could be seen, stretching out like skyscrapers across the sky. There was only two and the one they chose was elected by Sawyer's 'eeny meeny miny mo' method.

As they trekked Charlie started whistling his driveshaft hit aware that Sawyer's shoulders were sagging in annoyance. He whistled louder and louder until finally he snapped.

"Will you shut up? I can't stand that song!" He yelled.

"Only if you're never sarcastic again." Charlie shot back. That shut Sawyer up.

"Can we just get through this with as little pain as possible?" Jack asked. Charlie glared at Sawyer and then stomped ahead.

They set up camp on the top of the hill, where they could see virtually everything and everyone. They could see Sayid walking along the beach; they saw Sun and Jin fishing together and if they strained their eyes far enough they could see Claire and Aaron in their tent. They had never before appreciated how beautiful the island really was, mostly because every encounter into the depths of the jungle usually ended in bloodshed and screaming.

The night silence was comforting somehow, only broken up by the sounds of crickets and the soft sound of the wind. Sawyer was restless though.

"Hey! Guess what? I brought the alcohol! Now it's a party!" He announced joyfully. No one shared his joy though. Charlie gazed at him warily and Jack was fuming.

"YOU. HAD. THE. LIQUOR. ALL. THIS. SODDING. TIME!" He yelled. Sawyer laughed and nodded.

"Jack's having a heart attack. How ironic. The only person who can save him...is him." Charlie noted watching Jack's face turn from red to magenta to purple and then back to red again.

"Give me a bottle!" Jack demanded, surprising both Charlie and Sawyer. He complied and soon all three of them were roaring drunk.

"Lets play Never I. I mean I never." Sawyer slurred. Jack hiccuped in agreement and so did Charlie. They had lit a fire and it felt like a proper boy scouts campout. "I'll go first!"

"Why am I not surprised?" Charlie murmured to Jack who nodded solemnly then looked blank as if he had forgotten what Charlie had just said.

"I never kissed Kate." Sawyer's first sentence was. Charlie was the only one who didn't drink.

"I feel so left out." He whined. "When I get back I'm kissing Kate just so I can say I did."

"Yeah, good luck pal!" Jack scoffed. "That woman is impossible to win over."

"Ok my turn." Charlie thought carefully. "I never called anyone a limey runt."

Despite the fact he was drunk Sawyer still scowled. "I never took drugs before!" He shot back.

"I never pretended to have someone's inhaler when really I didn't!"

"I never stalked a pregnant girl!"

"When's it my go?" Jack whined but his voice was drowned out.

"I never was a selfish, self-centred arrogant jerk!"

"I never was a useless, weak, pathetic junkie!"

"Womaniser!"

"Junkie!"

"When's it my go?" Jack asked again.

"Thief!"

"Stalker!"

"Loser!"

"Creep!"

"QUIIIIEEEEEEEEEET!!" Yelled Jack. Charlie and Sawyer stared at him.

"I can't take this anymore. You two are constantly fighting! We're going home!" Jack made to stand up but the alcohol rushed to his head and he collapsed in a big heap which only made a snoring sound.

"He's a bit insane today isn't he? We're the only sane ones." Sawyer gaped. Charlie laughed but soon he was hysterical, clutching his sides and rolling around.

"Correction," Sawyer said wryly, "**I'm **the only sane one."

Kate was sleeping when the 3 guys came wandering back. She stirred and was shocked into sitting up when she saw them.

"What happened to the three day idea?" She demanded playfully. "2 days isn't good enough!"

"Wait Kate." Charlie mumbled. "Don't tell Claire."

Kate looked confused. "Don't tell Claire about what?"

Charlie took a deep breath and leaned in to kiss Kate as Jack and Sawyer looked on in amusement. Kate didn't know what to do. Charlie drew away quickly and Jack and Sawyer simultaneously roared with laughter. Both Kate and Charlie looked shocked.

"Well that makes the three of us who've kissed you freckles." Sawyer said, still gasping with laughter. "You should feel special."

Charlie mumbled something incoherent and then suddenly laughed at something random before walking off.

"What's up with him?" Kate finally asked, her eyes wide and her cheeks pale.

"Nothing. Dude's just had a little too much to drink." Jack hiccuped.

"From the sounds of it so have you! Shame on you Jack!" Kate teased halfheartedly. "And since when have you used the word dude?"

Sawyer just grinned.

Later on that day, everything had pretty much gotten back to normal. Except three of the 48 survivors had huge hangovers and so consequently retreated to their tents to recover. Charlie was lying on the ground with a flannel he had found, on his head.

"Is that your first time on the pull Chucky?" An all too familiar voice said. Charlie groaned and sat up to see Sawyer grinning at him.

"I don't know what you mean." He moaned.

"What would Claire say if she knew? Who would you stalk next?"

Charlie thrust his middle finger up in response.

"Tut tut. That isn't nice is it? Face it Chuckster, I handled that adventure better than you."

"Like hell you did! I whooped your sorry excuse of an ass!" Charlie retorted.

"Oh so now you've been staring at my ass?" Sawyer asked teasingly.

"I'd beat you at anything." Charlie responded but it was very quiet and weak as a rush of pain flooded his head. Damn this hangover!

"We'll just see. We'll just see." Sawyer smirked as he turned and walked away.

**A.n.**** This is the first in the Sawyer vs Charlie saga. I've tried to keep it humorous but I'm normally an angsty type of writer so excuse me if the humour isn't very clear in here. Btw I'd love to hear your suggestions for any challenges for my next update! (E.g arm wrestle, hunting, anything competitive really) Thanks for reading :D**


	2. Chapter 2 To Be An Other

**To be An Other **

**A.n- Thanks to Anonymous reviewer Jess for this idea!! And to everyone else who contributed ideas they will be taken on board! I am pleased with the responses so I will do your stories!! And keep those imaginative ideas coming!! **

**To be An Other- **_involving chocolate bunnies, robots, a new entry in the Sawyer/Kate/Jack love triangle and mass murders of innocent Sims. _

"Charlie!! Charlie!! Chuckles get over here!" Sawyer hissed.

Charlie rolled his eyes. "I'm right next to you Sawyer."

"Right I knew that."

"Sure you did."

Charlie and Sawyer had walked into the jungle looking for a new adventure. It was surprising how quickly boredom could set it on this island. They were peering through the trees, hiding behind a bush surveying a couple of people who they knew to be The Others. The Others were whispering and occasionally laughing at something amusing.

"Reckon we should scare them or something?" Sawyer grinned. "We could just pop up and say boo."

"For someone who reads a lot, you are surprisingly unimaginative." Charlie replied, rolling his eyes again.

"You got a better idea chief?"

Charlie thought really carefully. The Others didn't really look any different to them. They could probably pass off as Others if they wanted to...hey that was a thought.

"Got it!" He whispered. Sawyer looked round eagerly.

"I bet I could pass off as an Other longer than you."

Sawyer looked confused. "Another what?" Charlie threw him a meaningful look and then he clicked on.

"That's positively suicidal! If we get caught they'll cook us and eat us alive!" He gasped.

"Makes it all the more risky doesn't it?" Charlie grinned. Sawyer caught on and nodded.

"Ah I see. Ok you're on. Let's get our Other outfits on." They laughed as they realised how odd that actually sounded in another context.

"So let me guess this right." Jack said, back at camp. "You're planning to disguise yourself as Others, infiltrate their camp, risk torture and death...for a bet?"

Charlie and Sawyer looked at each other and then back at Jack and then nodded.

"I'm in!" Jack grinned to their surprise.

"Sorry doc, this is between the Chuckster and me." Sawyer said.

"Oh. Now who am I gonna pway with?" Jack pouted. "Locke is too busy chasing Desmond who claims he can travel in time. Locke just goes around screaming 'THE ISLAND DOES NOT LET PEOPLE TRAVEL IN TIME!' And Sayid is too busy building robots to fight against Bernard's."

Charlie and Sawyer exchanged a look at this point. How much had they missed during their jungle expedition?

"What about Kate?" Charlie asked. Jack's face turned dark at that point.

"She's flirting with the smoke monster. She has no time for me anymore." He said sulkily. Charlie and Sawyer exchanged a look; the love triangle between Jack, Kate and Sawyer had now turned into a love square. Jack, Kate, Sawyer and...smoke monster?

"Come on Charlie, time for our bet to be put into action!" Sawyer cried rubbing his hands together.

Charlie grinned and then they set off.

"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME BOX MAN!!" A half naked Desmond cackled as he ran past them. Locke came into view and was out of breath.

"DON'T EVER TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!" He bellowed furiously, running after Desmond. Sawyer raised his eyebrows at Charlie who stifled a laugh. Their laughs were stifled though as a monstrous metallic figure chomped its way into their path.

"HA! Bernard you're going down!" Sayid yelled, running into view. He grinned at Charlie and Sawyer as he displayed his robot. "Do you like my robot buddy? I call him Tim."

Charlie broke into hysterics again whilst Sawyer fought to keep a straight face himself.

"Hi Tim." He said solemnly. "You know any cool dance moves? Like...oh I don't know...the robot?"

Charlie laughed even harder causing Sayid to pout and then he walked off, shouting Tim's name as he disappeared.

"So where are they?" Charlie asked, scanning round. Sawyer frowned. They couldn't seem to find the location of the two Others they had spotted earlier. A sudden rustling caught their attention and they spotted a small, sneaky looking man with a tall, menacing blonde woman.

"I had a dog and his name was Bingo!" Sawyer muttered with a grin on his face.

"You had a dog called bingo? Cooooool." Charlie asked in surprise. Sawyer rolled his eyes.

"I'm gonna go out first." He changed the subject. "And if I succeed, you can come out."

"So you're basically bait instead of me for a change." Charlie beamed. Sawyer frowned as he considered this point. He shrugged and then sauntered out of the bushes.

"Yo, ladles and jellyspoons!" He greeted. The two Others jumped in surprise. "How are we today? My name's Ben Dover and I, like, came all the way from England to see y'all...I mean you all." He corrected his accent quickly.

"Hmmmm my name's Ben." The male Other frowned. "In my world two people with the same name causes the universe to implode."

"Ummm that's not strictly true Ben." The blonde woman interjected. "We have two Toms in our camp and the universe is still here."

"Yeah but the other Tom is a pest, Juliet." Ben whined. "He keeps asking me to test his food for poison. He is sooo paranoid."

"What was your name?" Juliet turned back to Sawyer.

"Ben Dover."

Immediately Ben crouched over.

"What are you doing Ben?" Juliet asked incredulously.

Ben stood back up. "He just told me to bend over." He replied gesturing to Sawyer.

"No. I just said my name was Ben Dover." Sawyer said stifling a laugh.

"Oh." Ben nodded understandingly. Then he frowned. "I don't get it."

"Excuse me? Vat's going on 'ere?" Charlie joined the three of them, speaking in a heavy accent.

"Who the blazes are you?" Juliet asked with a frown.

"Dr. I. Peesalot." Charlie replied solemnly. Sawyer fought to keep a straight face at this point.

"It's nice to meet you I. Peesalot." Ben greeted him warmly, shaking him by the hand. Sawyer burst out laughing.

"Sorry, medical conditiona." He wheezed in response to the questioning looks he was getting.

"So...I.Peesalot. What are you a doctor in?" Juliet asked, interested. "I'm a doctor of fertility."

"Ah!" Charlie exclaimed. "I is examining in...ooh how do say zis?...sex."

"I beg your pardon?" Juliet cried.

"I is examining ze sex organs in ze body." Charlie elaborated. "You know ze..."

"I think we all know what you mean." Juliet broke in hurriedly, turning red in embarrasment. Sawyer by now was hysterical. He bent over laughing and then stood up to see a furious Ben looking at him.

"I know what you're doing Mr Ben Dover." Ben breathed. Sawyer's smirk dissolved quickly and changed into a look of panic.

"Y...ya do?" He asked nonchalantly.

Ben nodded triumphantly. "You...are here to steal the secret formula for my delicious chocolate bunnies!"

"Say what?"

"You're after my chocolate bunnies! Well you're not gonna get 'em!" Ben pointed at him wildly.

"No I'm not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"Are zey alvays zis...childish?" Charlie asked Juliet.

"Don't even get me started." She muttered darkly.

"You look very pretty." Charlie announced. "I vish to kiss you."

Juliet turned round to face him slowly. "Vat...I mean what the devil are you talking about?" She asked.

"I vant to kiss you."

Juliet stared at him as if deciding whether or not to slap him.

"Did you get a degree in insanity?" She asked.

"As a matter of fact I did!" Charlie exclaimed. He was really enjoying this latest task, especially since Ben and Juliet were gullible enough to believe their stories. "My old professor Frankenstein made zis entire monster out of ze body parts! Can you believe that? And zen..."

"I didn't ask for your life story!" Juliet yelled.  
"Ooh get you. Ze feisty blonde! Aren't you supposed to be stupid?" Charlie shot back.

In the midst of this, Sawyer and Ben were still arguing and it had escalated. Sawyer now had Ben in a headlock.

"Say it!" He yelled.

"Never!!" Ben said defiantly. Then he winced as Sawyer pulled his hair.

"SAY IT!"

"OK OK!! Ben Dover's chocolate bunnies are better than mine!"

"That's better." Sawyer beamed as he released Ben.

"Not." Ben muttered.

Sawyer glared at him.

"Let's go back to camp." Juliet sighed. "Ve...I mean we can show these two your chocolate bunnies if you want."

"Yay!" Ben clapped his hands eagerly. "You two will just LOVE them. They are so...chocolately, sweet and amazingly delicious." He drooled on the spot doing a perfect impersonation of Homer Simpson.

They walked together, sharing stories and generally laughing. Occasionally Charlie and Sawyer would exchange a gleeful look as if to say: _I can't believe we're actually getting away with this! _

"Here we are. Home sweet home!" Ben announced. They had come to a huge clearing filled with houses that were the exact same colour, size and shape. But that wasn't what Sawyer and Charlie were staring at; jumping around at 100 miles per hour were hundreds upon hundreds of chocolate coloured bunnies.

"Zey are alive!" Charlie exclaimed.

"I KNOW!" Ben exclaimed gleefully. "I have them trained so they never escape!"

A chocolate bunny hopped towards Sawyer and sniffed his feet curiously. Sawyer immediately picked it up and started stroking him. It was love.

"I shall call you, Bob and you shall be mine forever." He cooed. Charlie rolled his eyes.

"What?" Sawyer spotted Charlie's expression and reacted defensively. He clutched 'Bob' the rabbit towards his chest and stroked him continuously.

"Must be love, rabbit love." Juliet sung, caught in the magic of the love between Bob and Sawyer. Ben stared at Juliet and then joined in.

"Touché Sawyer." Charlie muttered under his breath. Sawyer was using the rabbit to gain the Others' trust and thereby securing his position in their camp. He needed to do something. He really didn't want to fail this task because then he'd never hear the end of it.

"I vish to see your medical experiements." He announced to Juliet. "I am very interested in your line of verk."

Juliet stopped singing and squealed in excitement. "OOOH goody! Are you really? You're so sweet! You are the first person who has wanted to see my work!" She took Charlie by the arm and dragged him off.

"Ooh smart move Chuckles." Sawyer scowled. "I see your game."

"Did you say game?" Ben caught one word in that sentence. "I LOVE GAMES! Did you ever play The Sims? I love it! You HAVE to play it!"

"Sure I'll play it with ya!" Sawyer grinned. "What's it about?"

_**An hour later... **_

"Ben, why do you keep killing your Sims off?"

"Because it's fun!" Ben grinned wickedly. They were on his computer playing The Sims and every Sim, Ben created he always, ALWAYS killed them by 'accidently' putting them in a pool with no ladder.

"I called him Jacob after this annoying dude who hangs out in this old shack." Ben explained. "He needed to die for the island."

"There's no island on this game." Sawyer reminded him.

"Oh right." Ben sighed. "Well he died...for a good reason."

"OH NO!" Sawyer screamed. "My Sim is morbidly obese!"

Ben sniggered. "You can't afford an exercise machine! You only have 100 simoleons!"

Sawyer glared at him then minimized the screen. He clicked on the internet and within the space of a minute he had found a cheat to get more money.

"NO!!" Ben screeched. "YOU CAN'T CHEAT IN REAL LIFE! SO DON'T CHEAT ON THE SIMS!"

"Oh lighten up Bugs bunny!" Sawyer rolled his eyes. "It's just a game for cryin' out loud."

Ben glared at him but didn't respond.

_**At Juliet's...**_

"Vell you are very smart Miss Juliet." Charlie announced. "You are terribly clever."

Juliet beamed. They were gazing at her mini laboratory Ben had installed for her. She had informed Charlie all about her research and he looked genuinely interested. Then again that glint in his eye could have been boredom.

"Vat is it you do for...fun?" Charlie asked. "You must be so busy doing work you don't have time...what?"

Juliet gave him a funny look and then he realised. His accent had slipped dramatically in that last sentence.

"You're not Dr. I. Peesalot are you?" She asked with a penetrating glare. "In fact I doubt you're even a doctor! And you're not even German!!"

"Well..." Charlie just stared at the ground. All he could think about was, _Damn it! Sawyer wins this one! _

"GUARDS!!" Juliet screeched.

"Shit." Charlie said quietly.

_**Back at Ben's...**_

"You created a family of 102 members and killed them all off...within 24 hours in Sim time?" Sawyer asked.

"Yep." Ben grinned.

"That's mass slaughter! You even killed an 8 year old! How evil are you?"

"Pure evil."

A screaming voice interrupted their heated discussion on mass slaughter. Sawyer glanced out of the window and saw a struggling Charlie being led off to a building labelled: BIG BLOCK FULL OF CHOC.

He ran outside and struggled to keep himself from laughing.

"THEY'RE GONNA MELT ME ALIVE!!" Charlie wailed. "SAVE ME SA..."

"Chill!" Sawyer interrupted, before the game was given away for him too. "I'll save you if you say one thing."

"What's that?"

Sawyer just grinned. He knew that Charlie had to say it to make it official, otherwise this task could go on forever.

Charlie sighed. "Ok, ok. You win this task. I...I...lose."

"Ok then!" Sawyer clapped his hands mockingly. He turned to Ben. "Release this man."

"No." Ben said.

"Why not?"

"I'm sick of chocolate bunnies. I want to make chocolate people!" Ben announced gleefully. "And now I. Peesalot shall be my first victim!!"

Charlie and Sawyer exchanged a look of horror.

"What if he dies? You'd have that blood on your hands!" Sawyer tried to amend the situation.

"No I wouldn't. I'd have it in my mouth amongst the chocolate." Ben grinned.

"You're sick!" Charlie yelled, utterly disgusted.

"Perhaps." Ben giggled. "But imagine. A whole army of chocolate people at my command! I could rule the world!"

"Ok I take it back." Charlie amended. "You're insane."

"That's an understatement." Sawyer muttered. "He's gone off the deep end."

Ben laughed evilly but it was interrupted by a sound of metal clashing and Tim the robot came into sight fighting against another.

"OH MY GOD!! IT'S MY WORST NIGHTMARE!" Ben screamed as he leapt into Sawyer's arms.

"Get off!" Sawyer dropped him in disgust.

Sayid and Bernard raced into view, egging their robots on and totally disregarding whatever else was going on. They probably weren't aware that two of their fellow campmates were there with them. They raced off in another direction. Tim and the other robot fought viciously and the clash of metal caused the trees around them to shake and wobble. One broke off completely and was falling towards Ben.

"The island isn't supposed to let this happen!" He screamed. "Not now, not ev...ARRRRRGH!"

Charlie and Sawyer just stared as the tree crushed the once strong leader of the Others.

"Hoisted with his own petard." Sawyer shook his head and let out a low whistle. "Now that's irony for ya."

Millions upon millions of chocolate bunnies then went up to the mess that was Ben and tentatively at first started eating him.

"That's even more ironic." Charlie shook his head. "Can you do me a favour Sawyer luv? Untie me please! Me bloody arms are gonna drop off."

"Oh don't exaggerate. Oh and don't ever call me luv again," Sawyer scolded him but with a small smile on his lips.

They walked back to camp in silence, both totalling up the scores in their head. So far it was 1-1 but what their next challenge was, neither of them could say. For now they just wanted to get back to their beds and sleep off the day. A familiar voice could be heard just beyond the trees and as they approached the sound, they saw Kate talking...to the smoke monster?

"Yeah Jack is just a pain constantly yelling at me. And Sawyer? He's good for the sex and he's an amazing kisser but I feel like I need someone new. Y'know what I mean?" She chatted whilst filing her fingernails.

"Yes. I can provide you with comfort and protection." The deep voice of the smoke monster replied.

Charlie and Sawyer just stared with wide eyes and then, simultaneously, they ran back to camp screaming their heads off.


	3. Chapter 3 12345

**1,2,3,4,5 Once They Tried to Catch Fish Alive **

**A.n- Thanks to Golden-Black Dragon for this suggestion! I must say I'm really getting into this story now :P Please keep reading and reviewing and give me more ideas because I am getting some fantastic ideas here!! **

**1,2,3,4,3 Once They Tried To Catch Fish Alive- **_involving Jin getting very stressed, some very dirty tricks on Sawyer's part, re-appearance of the smoke monster and Vincent involuntarily helping one of our contestants to a victory._

They decided to take it slow today. Nothing too adventurous, or dangerous. It was just thinking of an activity that fitted this category. Living on a perilous island with smoke monsters, polar bears and evil beings didn't make their decision easy though. In the end though it was Jin who gave them an idea.

"Fish." He said with a grin. Charlie and Sawyer stared at him and then at each other and then back at Jin.

"Fishing?" They asked simultaneously.

Jin nodded and then grinned again.

"Sissy sport." Sawyer dismissed. "You might as well call me Jane and give me a frock to wear."

Jin frowned at Charlie who just shook his head.

"Not for sissies." Jin said slowly. "Harder than it looks."

Sawyer threw his head back and roared with laughter.

"I think you just gave us our next challenge," Charlie grinned at Jin who grinned back. Sawyer stopped laughing abruptly.

"You serious? Fishing?" He didn't sound pleased. "I thought our challenges were supposed to be death defying and...well challenging!"

Charlie hid a smile as Jin inhaled a deep breath.

"It. Is. Not. Easy." Jin breathed fiercely, looking very stressed.

Charlie slipped away whilst Sawyer and Jin started having a heated discussion over the challenges of fishing. He walked into the jungle with the intention of getting Jack to referee their next challenge but a dark figure stopped him in his track.

"Excuse me? Have you seen Kate?" A deep voice boomed. Charlie turned pale as he saw the smoke monster. Then his eyes slipped to the flowers in the smoke monster's...smoke? You couldn't exactly call them arms or hands...could you?

"She's...um with Jack at the moment. At the caves." He squeaked.

"Oh. Are you going there? I'll follow you if you don't mind." The smoke monster replied.

"I'm Charlie by the way." Charlie was bewildered at this sudden impulse to introduce himself. Generally, manners required introduction to anyone you talked to but talking to a smoke monster was top of Charlie's list of people he'd never thought he'd have to introduce himself to.

"Call me Smokey, if you like." Smokey replied, his deep voice shaking the trees like a blustery wind. Charlie smiled weakly and then started walking, aware of the loud clunking of Smokey behind him as he followed Charlie to the caves.

Jack and Kate were discussing something intently when they arrived. Charlie coughed loudly to announce his presence.

"Some...one to see you Kate." He squeaked as he ran over to Jack.

"Ooh!! Smokey!" Kate squealed in excitement. "You got me flowers? Aww you shouldn't have!"

"You really shouldn't have." Jack muttered darkly and with a hint of jealousy. Ok, forget hint. Seeping with jealousy was a better way of describing his tone. Charlie patted him sympathetically; after all it wasn't an every day event for a guy to lose a girl to a smoke monster. Kate and Smokey left the caves arm in...smoke? Jack watched this with a scowl then turned back to Charlie.

"What has he got that I haven't?" He burst out.

"Er...a crushing amount of strength? The ability to kill everyone? Smoke for arms?" Charlie listed.

"Alright, alright!" Jack snapped. "What did you come to ask me?"

Taken aback by Jack's fierce tone, Charlie hesitated before asking him to referee his and Sawyer's fishing match. To his surprise Jack snorted with laughter.

"Sawyer? Fishing? This I gotta see." He smirked. "That guy has a better chance of being nice to someone than catching a fish."

Charlie grinned. "So you think I'll win?"

"No." Jack snorted again. "You'll do better I admit. But to be fair, the fish will probably end up beating the crap out of you."

"WHAT?" Charlie almost shrieked. "Out of me and a fish you think a fish will win?"

Jack tried to refrain from laughing but he failed. "Sorry Charlie, but you aren't exactly the strongest tool in the toolbox, if you get my drift." He snorted.

Charlie glared at him, offended. "Just get down and referee us!" He snapped.

_**The training...**_

It was agreed, though reluctantly on Sawyer's part, that before the match, they would receive training in fishing. Sawyer would get his from Sun and Charlie's from Jin. Sawyer wasn't pleased with being instructed by a girl but it was either Sun or Kate and he couldn't bear it if Kate laughed at him. They both rose early the next day in preparation for their training.

"First place bait in water. Like so." Jin said slowly to Charlie demonstrating the technique he used to get fish. "Then let fish get it. And then you catch them." He threw the net down into the water and pulled out several thrashing fish. Charlie stared in a mixture of awe and astonishment. Then he grinned; Sawyer was going DOWN! He attempted to copy Jin and yet look professional at the same time. Needless to say it failed. Whilst he tried to lay down the net, he tripped over it and fell in the water, much to Jin's chagrin.

"No! No! You do it wrong!" Jin yelled frustrated. He grabbed Charlie and pulled him up. He saw the net was ripped and he yelled again in agitation.  
"Sorry man." Charlie muttered. He yelled in surprise as a fish squirmed on his lap. He grabbed it and then yelled out in frustration as it slipped past his fingers. Jin groaned as Charlie ended up jumping in random directions trying to catch the fish.

"Sawyer be more lucky than Charlie at this rate." He muttered darkly. Charlie heard Sawyer's name being mentioned and glared at Jin. It was just typical that his trainer would give up on him already after 5 minutes.

"Come on Jin! Team Kwon-Pace!" He called encouragingly. Jin couldn't help but grin.

"Team Kwon-Pace." He agreed whilst restraining a laugh at how silly Charlie looked. He wasn't even aware that he had a fish in his hair.

Meanwhile over with Sawyer and Sun, there was little progress being done either. Sawyer had so far managed to catch a boot, a clump of seaweed, Sun's hair (due to a bizarre mistake relating to his aim) and a hat. He had managed to catch only random items with no correlation to each other. None of which were even close to a fish.

"Sawyer. You need to relax your aim." Sun said patiently. "You need to let the fish come to you."

"Well gee that does help Betty!" Sawyer replied sarcastically. "I'm so lucky to have you as a mentor."

Sun rolled her eyes. "Kate can just as easily fish as I can." She warned. "Just say the word and I'll have her over here in a minute and she'll be less patient than me."

Sawyer muttered mutinously under his breath but nonetheless he complied. After about half an hour he got frustrated. Sun was trying not to laugh. Maybe he could bribe her in some way so she could help him in the actual competition. Sawyer decided to change his tactics. He made his way over to her.

"Hey thanks for helping Sun." He smiled sweetly. Sun frowned at him suspiciously.

"You are such a great mentor." He continued. "I mean I'm a hopeless fisherman but you. You are married to one. You're so wise and patient and..."

"What do you want Sawyer?" Sun interrupted him impatiently. Sawyer widened his eyes in pretend hurt.

"What do I want?" He repeated. "What makes you think I want anything? I am HURT, just HURT that you'd even think that..."

"Could you be any faker?" Sun stifled a yawn. "Just what do you want from me?"

Sawyer scowled. His obvious plan to lull Sun into a false sense of security was a complete and utter failure.

"Help me win." He stated.

"Are you serious?" Sun asked flatly. "No."

"Think about it," Sawyer said urgently. "You could show Jin that women can teach better than men! You could gain a victory! Team Kwon-Ford!"

Sun slapped him. "That's a dirty trick Sawyer!" She yelled. "Forget it! Kate can teach you!" She stormed off and Sawyer grinned. Victory was at hand. All part of his master plan and Sun storming off was key to his success.

"Charlie. Do it like this." Jin commanded. Charlie tried to do what Jin was saying but every so often he would slip back into his Korean tongue and he would mess his previous instruction up. It was very frustrating. Charlie remembered his and Hurley's attempt to catch fish on their fourth day on the island. It was disastrous and as he recalled, Hurley had ended up smacking the ocean in utter frustration. Now he was minutes away from doing the same thing except, he didn't want to appear childish.

"I'm trying Jin but you're not patient." He explained. Jin frowned.  
"Patient?" He asked uncertainly. Charlie tried to explain it further but was interrupted by Sawyer sauntering towards him.

"How you doin' Ariel?" He teased. Charlie looked blankly at him.

"Who the hell is Ariel?" Charlie asked. Sawyer frowned.

"Didn't you ever see Disney's Little Mermaid?" He asked. "That mermaid was one hot babe."

"Ok. We're not all 9 year old girls like you Sawyer." Charlie said, rolling his eyes.

"Hey! That was a great movie!" Sawyer retorted. Which effectively started a long and heated debate over the various Disney movies.

"What is Disney?" Jin asked slowly, looking more confused than ever. Sawyer burst out laughing as Charlie tried to explain about Walt Disney and the various movies he made. By the end, Jin looked bewildered by all this information and wandered off in search of Sun.

"Still feeling confident Sawyer?" Charlie asked casually. "Not giving up yet? Not forfeiting the challenge."

"Not by a long shot hobbit." Sawyer replied with a grin. "What about you?"

"I'm feeling confident as ever." Charlie grinned back. Both men simultaneously turned away and pulled a panicky face. This challenge, as Jin had said himself, was a lot tougher than they had originally thought. It wasn't a simple case of cast the rod out and then hook a fish. It was a case of patience, deliberation, perfect aim and precision. Sawyer and Charlie had mastered none of these things yet. They were doomed.

_**The challenge...**_

"Right we have two competitors in the arena today." Announced Desmond. "In one corner we have Charlie Pace, renowned for his music and sexy ass..."

"Desmond! That's just disturbing and mentally scarring!" Locke complained. The two of them had opted to commentate on this event but Locke was now regretting volunteering with Desmond. Clearly he had some kind of sick, gay obsession with Charlie and it was showing.

"Sorry brotha." Desmond apologised. "In the other corner we have Sawyer...um...Watzhislastname. He's um famous for...conning people?"__

"Hey Scotty!" Sawyer yelled. "Either do your job or get lost!"

"Ooh that reminds me!" Desmond squealed in excitement. "LOST series 4 comes out on DVD soon!"

Locke and everyone else stared at him blankly. "What in God's holy name are you talking about?" He asked.

"Oh it's this great show!" Desmond gabbled. "About a group of survivors lost on an island..."

"Sounds like a crap show!" Sawyer announced and everyone agreed. "Who the HELL would wanna watch a show about being trapped on an island? That has gotta be the lamest excuse of a show I've ever heard of!"

Desmond fell into a sulky silence after that. "It's got polar bears and smoke monsters in it." Was all he muttered before letting Locke take over.

"Right then!" Locke announced cheerfully. "We've established with Jack, THE ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS, the rules to this tournament..."

"Hey Locke!" Jack yelled. "Put a sock in it won't ya! Just because I get all the ladies doesn't mean you can slag me off in public!"

"All the ladies!" Locke scoffed. "Oh sure! Isn't it true you lost Kate to the smoke monster?"

Jack pouted and then started crying. Unsurprisingly.

"Anyway," Locke continued. "The rules are: 1) Sawyer and Charlie must work alone, no one must help them. 2) They have half an hour to catch as many fish as they can. 3) No cheating is allowed. Do you hear that Sawyer NO CHEATING IS ALLOWED!"  
"God pops, why me? Why do you think I will cheat?" Sawyer asked bitterly. "Why not Frodo Baggins here?"

"You are more liable to cheat I'm afraid." Locke explained. "Oh and rule number 4 states no Lord of the Rings references are allowed."

"What the hell has that got to do with fishing?" Charlie asked aloud. Locke just shrugged.

"LET THE TOURNAMENT COMMENCE!" Desmond screeched.

"Dude that was the best line! You just stole it!" Locke hissed. Desmond just cackled evilly.

Charlie threw the bait in the water just like Jin had taught him and couldn't resist peeking at what Sawyer was doing. He had fashioned a rod out of wood and was tossing it in and had already caught a fish. Damn he was good. Then came the fun part. Charlie threw the net across the water and waited patiently. He watched as Sawyer caught fish after fish, but _his_ new expertise wasn't putting Charlie off. If anything, it made him more determined.

Sawyer cackled as he saw that Charlie hadn't caught any fish as yet. He counted his fish so far; 8. Not bad indeed. His smirk faded as he saw Charlie rope in about 20 or so fish in a single net. Son of a BITCH! He couldn't help but think. That hobbit was good. Then he had an idea. He ran into his tent and picked up a bottle from his medicinal stash. It was lethal for animals; you didn't need to be a doctor to know THAT. He casually flicked the bottle, lid off, into Charlie's patch of water. The general rule of the fishing contest was that the fish had to be alive hence why there was a big bucket of water allocated to Sawyer and Charlie. Charlie was delighted at the numerous fish he was catching but he noticed they were dead. Damn. It didn't count if the fish were dead. Every single netful of fish he was catching was turning up more and more dead fish...why?

He glanced over to Sawyer who had a small smirk on his face. All the fish he was catching were alive. That crafty, sneaky son of a bitch! Charlie suddenly knew that Sawyer was playing dirty so he had to get revenge. He glanced over to the judges, Jack and Hurley but they were involved in a game of Poker. Some judges they were! Locke and Desmond weren't even watching, they were too busy talking. Or rather yelling at each other. Then Charlie had an idea.

"SAWYER SOMEONE'S IN YOUR TENT!" He yelled. Sawyer whirled around.

"Son of a bitch!" He cursed. "I'll get the little weasel!! Better not have stolen my playboys!" He stalked off and as soon as he was out of sight, Charlie got to work. He stole a couple of fish from Sawyer's bucket, not too much to get noticed, just enough to even the odds. Then he grabbed Sawyer's rod and attached the string on to a sleeping Vincent's collar. Then laughing evilly, he carried on trying to fish for more live fish.  
"You need damn glasses Chuckles." Sawyer grumbled, returning to the scene. He glanced at his watch. Only 10 more minutes left. He yanked his rod off the ground and then found himself flying in mid-air. He was winded as he hit the ground again and was dragged off. Looking ahead he saw the problem. Vincent. His rod was attached to his collar and there was only one person who could've done this; Charlie. Sawyer growled and vowed revenge. But first he had to get free.

"Vincent!" He called softly. The dog immediately stopped and looked around. He couldn't see the source of the voice so he carried on trotting through the jungle.

"STOP YOU SILLY DOG!" Sawyer screeched. He reached up and grabbed the dog's collar. It was an effort but he finally managed to get himself free. He felt winded and he had to pull about a million twigs out of his hair but he was generally fine. Scowling, he leapt to his feet and stormed down the beach where he saw Jack and several others congratulating Charlie. Wait. WHAT?

"What the hell's going on here?" He yelled angrily. Charlie smirked at him and it made Sawyer boil with anger. How did the little limey runt pull this off without getting caught?

"Charlie won Sawyer." Jack announced. "You caught 12 fishes and Charlie caught 22."

"But...but...he cheated!" Sawyer spluttered.

"No. If anyone cheated it was you Sawyer," Jack said sternly, holding up an empty bottle. "This poisoned the fishes. And the only person who has the medicinal supplies...is you."

Sawyer kicked the sand bitterly. Life wasn't fair. So now it made the score 2-1 to Charlie.

_**Later that same day...**_

"Hey Sawyer." Charlie greeted him, still a smug smile on his face.

"I gotta say cowboy that was a dirty trick!" Sawyer cried but no anger was on his face. On the contrary, he was grinning, a look of reluctant awe on his face. "How did ya do it without getting caught?"

Charlie pulled out an invisible gun and pretended to blow on it. "All about the timing chief." He said, mocking Sawyer slightly. Sawyer scowled but then gazed down the beach.

"Looks like Mr and Mrs Kwon are having a bit of a domestic." He grinned gesturing to where Sun and Jin were arguing. "Wonder what sparked this row off?"

"I heard Jin mention something about going to kill a southern bastard off." Charlie said casually. "Apparently he tried to flirt with Sun to win something or the other. Oh look he's glaring at you Sawyer...Sawyer?"

Sawyer was running at 100 miles down the beach closely followed by a roaring, screaming Jin. Charlie smiled. What an excellent day! He couldn't wait for what challenges tomorrow would bring...


	4. Chapter 4 All's Fair In Love and War

**All's fair in love and war**

**A.n- Request from Grabeels Girl! Thanks for the reviews and the suggestions!! Hope ur liking this story so far cuz I'm loving it!! Thanks to Grabeels Girl for all her sweet comments on my stories :D This idea was from her but the general plot if you look at it I kinda stole from FRIENDS as well. TOW everybody finds out to be exact. Refresh your memory by watching it and you'll see what I mean :P**

**All's fair in love and war- **_Includes some Chate and Conmama action, Jack getting very,very,very ANGRY and Locke discovering something disturbing about Desmond. _

Charlie was bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. It had been 3 days since the fishing competition and now he was bored. He hadn't spoken to Sawyer since yesterday and he was wondering what the con man was up to. Then he got his answer. He saw Sawyer talking to Claire and they were laughing. LAUGHING. What the hell was up with them? He glared in their direction but they didn't notice. So he decided to wander over and talk to Kate, unknowingly starting off their next challenge.

"Hey Charlie!" Kate greeted him cheerfully. Charlie smiled at her but at the same time looking towards Sawyer and Claire.

"What's up with Sawyer these days?" He asked nonchalantly. Kate shrugged, unconcerned.

"How's Smokey?" Charlie changed the subject and her face lit up.

"He's unbelievably sweet." She gushed. "He even walks me home! Well to my tent anyway." She let out a very un-Kate-like giggle and Charlie tried to refrain from rolling his eyes. He knew he had to plan this just right. He didn't want to offend Claire but at the same time he wanted to make Sawyer very, very, very jealous. The beauty of this challenge was that, for once, it wasn't known to both of them. Which therefore gave Charlie a considerable advantage. He was winning anyway 2-1 so it was only fair he got the say in the next challenge.

"Would you like to go for a walk Miss Austen?" He asked with a slight bow. Kate stared at him and then let out a giggle.

"You askin' me out on a date Mr Pace?" She asked shyly.

"No, no. I just thought we could talk, chat and all that jazz." Charlie grinned as he attempted to be charming. Kate nodded with a smile and then laughed as Charlie held out an arm to her. She took it and then they strolled off, Charlie smiling deviously as they did so.

"Did you like that joke?" Sawyer asked Claire. She nodded fervently and then tucked Aaron in.

"I gotta say Missy you and Charlie seem pretty tight these days," he continued. Claire blushed.

"We're doing pretty good at the moment." She smiled. "How are you and Kate?"

Sawyer let a dark look cross his face for a moment. "Fine except Smokey keeps interfering. But oh well," He sighed. "It's good to catch up with ya Claire." He smiled and then turned to leave. His face froze. Oh. No. Charlie. Didn't. Charlie could be seen laughing and talking to Kate and as they turned around Sawyer could've sworn on all that he held dear, that Charlie was smirking. Ooh that ex-rockstar was in for it! Just what kind of game was he playing? Growling under his breath, Sawyer stalked off to plan his revenge.

_**In the hatch... **_

"What you thinking, box man?"

"I'm thinking that I am tired of you calling me box man. It is a little irksome to be honest."

"Whatever you say box man." Desmond grinned. Locke inwardly groaned; obviously he was dealing with a classic case of a moronic and idiotical excuse for a man. The fact that Desmond was half naked proved it. He never seemed to like wearing a shirt any more even in the pouring rain. Well, if he wanted to catch a death of a cold, on his own head be it.

"Can I tell you a secret box man?" Desmond asked, still with a grin on his face. The power of human curiosity will do wonders for anything. Locke was torn between ignorance and giving into his curiosity. It was the latter that eventually won much to his chagrin. He nodded.

"Well it's something I need to show you rather than tell you." Desmond informed him. "And we need to walk a wee bit to get to it."

Locke sighed but nonetheless got to his feet. It was best to get this out of the way; then he could go back to whooping everyone's asses at backgammon. They walked out of the hatch, totally disregarding the button, and kept on walking for about 10 minutes.

"Make this quick Des." Locke sighed. "I want to grab the last Dharma Oat bar before anyone else does."

"Keep your hair on Box Man." Des grinned. "Although I suppose it's a wee bit late for that." Locke scowled at him. Across the jungle they spotted a small, shabby shack with a hand made sign on that said: Des Da Man's Shack.

"Wow. What a nice...shack." Locke said flatly.

"Oh don't diss it, Box Man. Wait until you see what is inside." Des grinned unpertubed. Locke sighed then marched over to it. He opened the door and stepped inside. Literally seconds later he ran out again screaming, "MY EYES! MY EYES!! DES YOU ARE SICK!!" He ran off in hysterics, leaving Des all by himself. The shack door burst open and Des stared in confusion inside. Row upon row of photographs were plastered like wallpaper along the sides of the shack. They were all of Charlie either sleeping or unaware of Des' presence. He personally didn't see what Locke was screaming about. He stuck his latest Charlie photo up on the wall and then skipped off, singing Wonderwall loudly and off-key.

Sawyer wasn't impressed. He had seen Charlie and Kate have a picnic one minute and the next Charlie was waltzing off to Claire again. That limey runt was testing his nerves! How to get back at him though? Well if he was using Kate against him then maybe Sawyer would use Claire against HIM! Currently he was wandering in the jungle when he came across an old wooden shack. Curious, he went inside and came promptly out again to vomit. Whoever created this had a sick, sick mind. Sawyer shuddered and then went off in search for Claire.

She was sitting in her tent, cooing over Aaron who was apparently making some...if you could call it cute noises. Sawyer wasn't a baby person to be honest. Children generally annoyed him with their wailing and pleas for attention so he just avoided them. He therefore felt apprehensive about getting closer with Claire. She would most likely get him to hold Aaron or interact with him in some shape or form, which thrilled Sawyer about as much as getting his face smashed with a brick.

"Hey Claire." He smiled as he walked over to her.

"Wow. Two visits in one day. How special am I?" Claire teased him lightly and laughed when Sawyer went slightly red. "How can I help you?"

Oh God. This was the awkward part, Sawyer thought. One wrong word or innuendo and he would get a slap and possibly a stream of abuse from Charlie. He had to phrase this just right.

"Well, I was in the neighborhood and was wondering if...I...if you...erm..." He started stuttering. God this was embarrasing. He looked like a right idiot now. Charlie was probably watching this pathetic excuse of an interaction and laughing his head off.

Claire was looking at him with those innocent eyes that he hated because they made him feel guilty even when he wasn't. He cleared his throat and began again.

"How about you and I go for a walk?" He blurted out, looking mortified by what had he done. Claire frowned looking confused.

"Like a date?" She asked, tilting her head as if trying to work out something.

Sawyer looked like he was going to throw up. He certainly felt like it. He considered Claire to be a younger sister to him so it felt like incest what he was about to do. He wondered briefly how Charlie had gotten Kate to go out with him, but then remembered all you had to do was mention the words, _danger, peril _and _adventure _and she'd go along with you, no matter what. This was difficult indeed and for the millionth time that day, Sawyer cursed Charlie for this ridiculous challenge. What was the point of it? To see who would break first? If it was up to him they would have been surfing or some other radical challenge that required physical strength.

"No." He shook his head. "Just as friends. I mean, we are friends aren't we?"

Claire smiled but it was a confused sort of smile. As far as she knew her and Sawyer before today had never exhanged two words and now he was being...nice.

"Sorry." She apologised. "I can't...I mean Aaron needs...I can't do it to Charlie."

Ooh he was good. So good that he had Claire wrapped around his finger, Sawyer thought bitterly. Then he decided to play his top trump card.

"Well I guess, since Charlie's been hanging out with Kate, I sorta figured you and I could hang out a bit more..." He sighed, glancing slyly at Claire to see her expression change from confusion to a stone cold poker face. She was fighting to keep herself impassive and emotionless but Sawyer knew she was thinking things over.

"Ok." She said fiercely. "I'll come on a walk with you. Let me find Sun..."

"No. Wait a minute," Sawyer said thinking things over. "Bring the little angel with you. Make him feel guilty about abandoning ya! I know I'd feel guilty if I was in his shoes." Inside he was screaming with triumph. Claire nodded and, unaware of Sawyer's ulterior motive, changed her perspective of him, thinking he was kinder and more sympathetic than she remembered. Then they strolled off, Sawyer looking triumphant, and Claire looking fiercer than usual.

_**We take a break now as we go and see what Locke and Desmond are doing...**_

"Box man it's ok! You can come out y'know." The Scotsman called. All he heard was a muffled curse and all he saw was a hand waving at him. But the fingers were arranged in an obscene gesture.

"I thought you'd like it." Desmond whined.

"LIKE IT?? HA!" Locke screeched walking out of the bushes and wiping his mouth. "The island doesn't accept people like you. You're a disgrace!"

"It's just a friggin' island brotha. It's an inanimate object with no thoughts or feelings."

"NO!" Locke shrieked. "You DID NOT just SAY THAT!" He ran off with his head in his hands, forcing Desmond to chase after him.

"COME BACK BOX MAN!!" He yelled. But Locke was faster than him as he ran off into the thicket.

_**Meanwhile down at the caves...**_

"CHECKMATE! HA! I win!" Jack yelled triumphantly. He had just won a game of chess against Smokey but it was more than the fact that he had beaten a smoke monster at chess. He had actually won a game for the first. Time. Ever. He felt special.

"You got lucky." Smokey growled. "I have no arms to move the pieces sufficiently around the board. You won by a technicality."

"I still won!" Jack sung joyfully. Just as he was about to do his victory 'I Am The Greatest Man In The World And That's Why Kate Loves Me' dance, he stopped and frowned.

"Where's Kate?" He asked suspiciously. "She's not with me, which is a problem in itself, and she's not with you. And I saw Sawyer running around earlier so I'm pretty sure she's not with him. Who's she with?"

Smokey didn't fail to notice the wording of the question. Jack was asking who she was with rather than where she was. Smokey rolled back his eyes to glance around the island, a gift that had proven to be very useful these past few days.

"She's with Charlie." He informed Jack. "She appears to be laughing and she just kissed his cheek...Jack?"

Jack's face had gone white then red, then white, then red again, changing constantly like traffic lights. It finally settled on red as Jack started shaking violently. Smokey waved a puff of air in front of his face but he was unstoppable. He resembled a volcano, close to eruption time.

"I'm going to go find that attractive Korean woman." Smokey puffed. "_She_ understands me." And with that he puffed away leaving Jack looking transfixed with anger. That. Charlie. Pace. Was. History. As sure as his name was Jack Muriel Shepherd. Only...he hadn't told anyone about the Muriel part. So SHUSH!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Jack suddenly wailed. "It was bad enough that Smokey entered our love triangle! Truth be told how many people would convert to Smaters? Jate just sound SO much better! Skate is just BLEH! And honestly, how many people are gonna warm to Chate?" He starting sobbing in frustration. Poor, misunderstood Jack. Unaware that many Jaters were reading this story as well as Skaters, Chaters and people who claimed to be Jaters and Skaters but who secretly were Smaters (Smokey/Kate). If he knew that this story was written by a Skater well...he may just have hung himself.

_**Back to our protagonists...well Sawyer and Charlie. Call them our central opponents for lack of a better word...**_

"So I was talking to him for ageees but I don't know if it's going anywhere." Kate chatted. Charlie tried to stifle a yawn. She was blathering on first about Jack then Sawyer and now Smokey and it was boring. He wanted to scream at her for her to choose someone but he had to stay in character if he wanted to win. His eyes strayed in boredom and then his body froze. Sawyer had his arm around Claire's and the two of them were laughing again. Oh my god! What was he playing at? How could he steal his girl like that? And how could Claire...unless. Did they know? A small smile played on his lips. That had to be the reason for two reasons: 1) Sawyer and Claire hadn't got a ship name unlike him and Claire (PB n JInstant Hit). What was Sawyer and Claire's ship name gonna be? Saire? Clawyer? Or something equally dumb like Conmama? Reason number 2) Claire and Sawyer were constantly staring at him and then back at each other. How fake could you get? Charlie was optimistic that he would win because they didn't know he knew about their plan. He laughed aloud.

"I know!" Kate said enthusiastically. "I KNEW you'd understand Charlie." She hugged him tightly unaware that arrows were flying out of Claire's eyes, straight into her back. Figuratively, of course. He clutched her tight back and then stroked a stray bit of hair out of her eyes, aware that Sawyer was glaring at him giving meaning to the expression, _if looks could kill. _He leaned away from her and blew her an air kiss which she returned with a giggle. _God, this was too easy, _he thought to himself with a grin.

"What the hell is he playing at?" Sawyer growled. He was fuming at Charlie getting closer to Kate. They'd be kissing soon at this rate. What if he had really fallen for Kate after all? I mean why else would they be holding hands and blowing air kisses and...and...and...

Wait a minute. Sawyer had a thought.

"He knows." He said aloud. Claire looked at him questioningly as if to say, _knows what? _

"He knows that I'm using you to try and get to him." Sawyer said without thinking.

"WHAT?" Claire practically shouted. "You were USING me?"

"Oh get over yourself doll," Sawyer snapped. "LOST writers wrote your character to be gullible and naive so you could say it's your destiny. Ok?"

"You got a point there." Claire nodded. "So you're saying that Charlie knows that we know what he's up to?"

Sawyer nodded and then slyly added, "But he DOESN'T know, we know he knows. Do you see what I'm saying?"

Claire looked confused but nodded anyway. "So what do we do?"

"We make him _really _jealous." He said with a grin. "Time for the plan laugh." He laughed darkly and rubbed his hands together.

"Ho ho ho!" Claire joined in causing Sawyer to stop and stare at her. "What?"

"It's not Santa's plan, you know!" He said, rolling his eyes.

Charlie cackled evilly. He could see Sawyer and Claire arguing already. His plan was coming together nicely. Kate smiled at him as he poured her a glass of wine.

"So Kate, I think you were really pretty in season 3." He said, unabashed. Kate's smile widened.

"REALLY? FINALLY! Someone thinks so!" She gushed happily. "You didn't think I was too harsh on Sawyer did you? I felt guilty afterwards, but then Jack said he loved me and I had to get over THAT bombshell..."

Charlie switched off as he pretended to listen to Kate's long and tedious speech about season 3. He glanced around and then his eyes nearly popped out in surprise. Sawyer had his arm on Claire's shoulders and they were leaning in, looking soppily into each others' eyes. His jaw dropped as Claire smiled and kissed Sawyer's cheek. What the heck was going on? Claire either believed that Sawyer was in love with her, or she was a very good actress and was hiding the fact that she knew he was using her. Nah. It had to be the first reason. That didn't make it any more comforting to watch though because Sawyer had her wrapped around his finger and he knew it. They weren't looking at Charlie like they did before. Maybe there was feelings there after all? I mean, why else would they be nearly kissing and being tender with each other...and...and...and...

Wait a minute. It was like there was a vicious circle going on because Charlie would be intimate with Kate, Sawyer gets angry, Claire and Sawyer get intimate and then Charlie gets angry. Which could only lead to one conclusion. They knew that he knew about them. But what they DIDN'T know was that HE knew, they knew, he knew they knew.

_**This just in...there has been a dramatic rise of head explosions due to the amount of Knows and Knews in this story. Readers are advised to take 10 minute breaks in between each Knew to avoid explosions. **_

_**Back to the story...**_

Jack's tantrum so far had lasted a record breaking 3 hours and 10 minutes. He panted as he finished tearing up the jungle in his frustration. According to statistics, 60 percent of hardcore Jaters were converting to Chaters and Smaters due to lack of Jate action. He was so depressed. No, words weren't good enough anymore. He needed to take out his frustration on someone. He had to get revenge on Charlie but how?

"Locke can you help me with something?" He called as the bald man ran past. Locke stopped and fell to his knees.

"THANK YOU!" He yelled. "You've just given me an excuse to get away from that pyschotic scottish man! You know he has a fetish for Charlie don't you?"

Jack's eyes narrowed. "Really? You shall help me destroy both of them! And I shall once again take my rightful place as Kate's hero!" Dark lightning echoed in the background causing Locke to look around mildly impressed.

"How did you do that?" He asked. Jack shrugged.

"No expense spared for me." He smiled happily.

"Seriously though, lose the ego." Locke advised him. "The island shall..."

"Oh bullshit!" Jack laughed. "All roads lead here? Is this your destiny Locke? Living rough with a scottish pyscho after you?"

"It is a test of faith." Locke said solemnly.

"So you're going to pass this test by running away from it? You are so contradictive!"

"At least my life doesn't revolve around myself."

"I thought that was the concept of living? Living your own life not someone else's?"

"I mean that at least I think of other people!"

"I don't think the island counts as people John!"

Locke stared at Jack as if he had been slapped. Then he burst into tears and ran off again.

"Freak." Jack muttered.

"I think he knows, that we know, he knows we know he knows." Sawyer announced. He had seen Kate and Charlie passionately kissing and he was reaching the end of his tether.

"Gee, ya think?" Claire retorted, rubbing her head. She was confused and now she had a headache from this challenge. Charlie and Sawyer's antics were wearing her out now and all these knows and knews were making her head explode.

"We need to do something big! Something that really will wind him up. Come on Claire, you know Charlie. What ticks him off?"

Claire was anxious to finish this off so she thought long and hard. "He hates it when other guys hold and interact with Aaron." She said slowly. Sawyer's heart sank. The one thing he'd hoped she wouldn't say. Oh well, it was for a good cause.

"Give us the sproglet then." He grinned.

Claire looked at him doubtfully.

"Look at it this way. The sooner we get Charlie to crack, the sooner this is all over and out into the open." Sawyer added impatiently, sensing her reluctance.

"Ooh I like that." She said eagerly.

Charlie and Kate had finished their 'date' and were walking back to their separate tents. Charlie was confident that any minute now, Sawyer would walk up to him and yell at him angrily thereby earning him victory. What he didn't expect was seeing Claire with Sawyer laughing and Sawyer, of all people, holding Aaron. AND INTERACTING WITH HIM!! Dum dum dum. Charlie's eyes narrowed into slits and he started breathing heavily. Sawyer looked at him and met his eyes and let a smirk play on his lips and that sealed it. Charlie stormed over to Claire's tent and let all hell loose.

"How can you entrust Aaron to HIM? HIM? Do you like him? Do you love him? What about US? HOW can you betray ME?"

"Says you!" Claire retorted. "What about Kate?"

"She means nothing! NOTHING!" Charlie insisted. "She was just a pawn in my plot to earn victory against Sawyer."

"WHAAAAAAAAT?" Another shrill female voice entered the conversation. Sawyer grinned as Charlie turned to face a very, very, very, very angry Kate. Claire and Kate then proceeded to batter Charlie using any inanimate object they could lay their hands on.

"Just goes to show ya that you shouldn't mess with women's hearts." Sawyer said, shaking his head. Aaron gave a small giggle and Sawyer laughed with him.

"Absolutely right Aaron." He said. "I think we can safely say, I won this challenge. By a landslide!"

Another figure leapt into the dust cloud that consisted of Charlie, Kate and Claire. To Sawyer's delight it was Jack. You could hear the pounding of fists, the squeaks of Charlie and the shrieks of Kate and Claire as the dust cloud moved along the beach and out of sight.

"I don't know what I should mock Charlie for first." Sawyer said slowly to Aaron. "The fact that he provoked the normally calm Jack into a fight. Or the fact he was beaten up by girls."


	5. Chapter 5 Man I Feel Like A Woman!

**Man! I feel (and look) like a woman! **

_**A.n- I am more than pleased with the responses I am getting with the story. This idea is mine though because I needed a break from other requests. But next chapter shall be of your choice... keep those ideas coming :D Thank you for reading and reviewing. You are too kind :D **_

_**Drag me out- **__Involves Sawyer and Charlie doing something majorly embarrassing and humiliating, Desmond 'measuring' Charlie up for something, a random appearance of Jesus, Locke going to Jack for therapy and the re-appearance of Tim the robot. _

"WHAT?? THAT'S STUPID!" Sawyer yelled at Charlie. They were having a bit of a domestic over their next challenge.  
"What's so stupid about having a drag act competition?" Charlie asked defensively.

"Look, just 'cause you got THRASHED by three GIRLS doesn't mean we gotta go dressing like 'em."

"Jack's not a girl." Charlie reminded him, wincing as he touched his sore and bruised face.

"I beg to differ." Sawyer snorted. "He cries like a little girl and have you seen the way he throws? There's nothing manly about him 'cept his tattoos."

"Way to insult the one person who can save your life Sawyer."

"Bah! I'd rather die than let Dr. McLame touch me up!" Sawey declared. Charlie rolled his eyes.

"How's Claire and Kate?" Sawyer asked suddenly, a grin appearing on his face as he watched Charlie wince at the mention of their names.

"Kate's gone back to Smokey, and Claire won't talk to me." He admitted. "This is your fault you know."

"WHAT? The hell it is!" Sawyer shrieked indignantly. "You brought this on yourself monkey boy."

"Monkey boy? Did you actually just say that? You're comebacks are getting so unoriginal."

"Least I have comebacks!"

"BREEEEEAKKKK IT UPPPP!" Locke screeched as he quickly ran into view.

"Chill Locksy." Sawyer hushed. "It's just playful bickering."

"That's what my foster father used to say," Locke started to sob. "Before he murdered my entire family of pigs." He put his head in his hands and started sobbing wildly.

"Locke?" Charlie asked. "Have you considered therapy?"

"Who's gonna help me?" Locke wailed. "Haven't you noticed I'm a psychotic maniac who packs millions of knives into a suitcase?"

"Yeah we did actually." Sawyer muttered but was silenced by a sharp nudge to his ribs from Charlie.

"What about seeing Jack?" Charlie continued. "He's a doctor."  
"Well no bloody shit sherlock." Locke retorted. Then he gasped. "I sound just like my foster father!" Then he collapsed into tears again.

"You do seem kinda messed up." Charlie said, trying to sound gentle. Sniggers from Sawyer weren't helping though.

"I need to see someone and just talk!" Locke shouted. "Desmond is not helping me either. He follows me about and smells just like bacon." Charlie and Sawyer just stared at him blankly. "BACON??? PIGS?" He started sobbing again.

"Jesus Christ!" Sawyer cried in disgust.

"Yes?" A bearded man appeared.

"Who in God's name are you?" Sawyer asked in shock.

"I'm Jesus." The man replied. "You just summoned me?"

"Are you really Jesus?" Charlie asked eagerly. Locke just continued sobbing, completely unaware of this new character.

"Yes." Jesus replied in a deep voice. "We must learn to love and forgive each other. Listen and respect..."

"Bollocks to that!" Sawyer yelled in disgust and he punched Jesus.

"Dude you didn't just do that." Charlie gasped. "That's like an executionable offence!"

Jesus stared at Sawyer. "I forgive you for that." He said comfortingly. "We must learn to love one another like He loves us."

"Ok, I'll do this drag act thing." Sawyer said to Charlie in desperation. "Anything to get away from this bearded freak!" Charlie grinned and Locke tried to stifle to cover his laugh with sobs but it failed.

"Why are you laughing John?" Charlie asked with a frown. "I thought you were supposed to be mentally scarred for life?"

"Just. The. Thought. Of. You. Two. In. Women's. Clothing." Locke hiccuped with laughter. Then he couldn't control it any longer. He started rolling around in hysterics, his problems temporarily forgotten as he conjured up the image of Sawyer and Charlie in dresses and make-up. His snickering and hysterics soon became howls of laughter and Sayid and Bernard quickly came over to see what was the problem.

"Oh dear God. He's lost it hasn't he?" Sayid said, staring at Locke.

"Sayid you gotta hear what these two are doing!" Locke choked with laughter. "They are doing a drag act for us!"

Sayid stared at him for a moment, then looked to Sawyer and Charlie for confirmation. Needless to say their faces gave everything away. Sayid, who rarely laughed, glanced from Sawyer to Charlie and then burst out laughing too, followed by Bernard. Charlie looked offended but Sawyer was infected by all this laughter and he promptly started snorting with laughter too.

"You guys have gotta help us." Charlie implored them. "We gotta keep this between all of us."

"What do you want us to do Charlotte...I mean Charlie?" Locke sniggered. Everyone laughed again except Charlie who just frowned. Within the space of about 5 seconds all the serious men on the island had turned into a bunch of giggling girls. It would be depressing if it wasn't for the fact that he had a small smile on his lips.

"Nice to see so much maturity here." He muttered mutinously. His smile grew bigger though.

"Seriously though," Sayid spluttered into seriousness as he gazed from Sawyer to Charlie. "Why do you need our help?"

"Well Captain Falafel," Sawyer began. "We need you to get the...clothing. And keep the women distracted. Especially Kate." He glared at Sayid as if to re-inforce a silent threat.

"Oh and Claire as well." Charlie piped up, paling as he remembered Claire pounding his face. She was small but incredibly feisty. Bernard nodded solemnly and then Sayid followed.

"On one condition though." He said seriously. Sawyer and Charlie stared at him warily.

"You have to babysit Tim for an hour." Sayid beamed. "Bernard is taking me out fishing."

"Tis true." Bernard grinned. "He can't fish to save his life. It's time he learned."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Sawyer yawned. "We'll look after your sodding robot for you."

"I can measure you for your dresses!" Desmond sung as he burst out of the bushes. Locke screamed and ran off in floods of tears again. Sayid leapt into Bernard's arms in fright and Sawyer found himself clutching Charlie's hand, who threw it off in disgust.

"We're getting dresses from the girls." Charlie explained, narrowing his eyes slightly. "What's it to you anyway?"

"It'll look suspicious if you steal too much stuff." Desmond explained, his eyes glinting in an emotion that Sawyer couldn't quite pick out. "I can make Charlie something. Because he's small..."

"You say anymore Shortbread and I'll kick your bonnie ass back to Scotland!" Charlie growled. Sawyer shook his head in amusement at his pathetic attempt at an insult. Evidently, Desmond was amused too because his lips were pressed in a firm line as if to repress laughter.

"_I'm_ concerned about the fact that _you_ can make dresses." Sawyer said to Desmond, a huge smirk on his face. "As far as I know, not many _guys _can do that!" Charlie, Sayid and Bernard simultaneously turned to face Desmond, all three of them also smirking.

"Let's just say I had projects to do in prison." Desmond shrugged, unembarrassed.

"_You? _In the _slammer?" _Sawyer barked with laughter. "What did you do? Spit on your mother?"

"Look if you're not gonna take me seriously, I can always tell your girlfriend what you're up to!" Desmond threatened, exasperated. Sawyer's face changed comically to a look of horror.

"You wouldn't!" He choked. Desmond grinned evilly.

"Ok, ok." Charlie tried to keep the peace. "Where do you want to do this?"

"Well there's a shack just in the jungle..." Desmond began. Sawyer suddenly realised something.

"That's YOUR shack?" He shrieked. "Charlie don't do it! He has a fetish for you!"

There was a moments silence when nobody knew what to say. Sayid and Bernard were staring from Desmond to Sawyer, back and forth like a tennis rally. Charlie didn't know what to say.

"What are you talking about Sawyer?" He burst out laughing. "Desmond? Obsessed with me? What drugs are YOU taking mate?" Desmond choked with laughter too, although his eyes kept darting to Sawyer in fear.

"I know you better than that Scottish pervert, and you choose to believe HIM?" Sawyer sounded outraged. Charlie just scoffed.

"Ok then. If you know me so well, what city did I live in?" He demanded. Sawyer looked baffled.

"Um....Sydney?" He took a wild guess.

"Nope." Charlie snorted. "You're on the wrong continent for a start."

"Ohio?"

"That's a state, Sawyer. And again, wrong continent."

"Um....Antarctica?"

"I'm not a flippin' penguin Sawyer!"

"Um...England?"

"Bingo." Charlie clapped his hands slowly. "Now what cities do you know of in England?"

Sawyer scratched his head. "Um...Leeds? No? London? Manchester...?"

"At last!" Charlie announced. "After a year of guessing, he finally gets it right!" Sayid, Bernard and Desmond all simultaneously cheered, much to Sawyer's exasperation. He rolled his eyes.

"Ok then, how well do you know ME?" He asked Charlie. "What's my real name?"

"Easy. James Ford." Charlie replied. Sawyer's mouth fell open, comically.

"How the devil do you know that?" He half shrieked, in a mixture of outrage and curiosity.

"I have my sources." Was all Charlie revealed. "Now come on! Let's get this party started!"

_**Meanwhile at the caves, Jack is exasperated at Locke's detailed analysis of his problems. **_

"And then he threatened to cut up my best friends into pork and ham." Locke sniffed. "I didn't believe him!" He began to sob loudly much to Jack's chagrin. He rolled his eyes.

"It might've escaped your attention John." He said slowly, as if talking to a dumb person, "But I'm a _spinal surgeon. _Not a friggin' therapist!"

"But...but...but...it's your destiny to help me!" Locke whined. "The island says so..."

"_The island says so_," Jack scoffed. "I think you're a sandwich short of a picnic John."

"Am not!" Locke pouted. "I haven't got a picnic to begin with." Jack rolled his eyes again. He was obviously dealing with a moron here. Which he kind of knew to begin with ever since Locke started spouting all this 'destiny' crap.

"I could give you a brain surgery if you liked?" He suggested. "We can fashion you a new brain out of random island crap and then put it in your head." He was only joking of course.

"Ok." Locke said. Jack stared at him. "I'll have the brain surgery please."

"WHAT????!" Jack yelled. "The most expert of surgeons all over the world haven't dared tried this yet in decent, sterilized HOSPITALS. And you're asking ME to perform it for the first time HERE? I was friggin JOKING!!!"

"The island says it will be successful." Locke replied quietly. "It will bring me closer to it, if my brain is made up of components of the island itself."

Jack looked like he was having a seizure. For one fleeting moment he thought Locke was joking. Then he realised the horrible, disgusting, diabolical truth;

_Locke never, ever, ever, ever, ever joked. Ever. Ever! _

And with that horrible truth, he fainted.

_**Back to Sawyer and Charlie's....um *cough* gay *cough* interesting tournament....**_

"I swear heels were made by the devil himself," Sawyer grumbled, examining the choice of shoes that Sayid had picked out for him. "I mean these could cause serious injuries!" Sayid had to pick the most feminine looking shoes ever; pink, extremely high heels, and glittery. Sawyer began to wonder what was going through Charlie's insane mind when he had suggested this.

"Very stylish!" Sayid complimented him with a massive smirk on his face. "Suits you."

"You say another word Mowgli and I'll beat you into the next life and beyond!" Sawyer promised with a sour look on his face. He was wearing a low, baby pink dress with dangly earrings found by Bernard (With the aid of Tim). If that wasn't ridiculous enough, Sayid had found him a fluffy, feather boa from one of the suitcases and was making him strut up and down.

"Man oh man, if I wasn't married..." Bernard grinned at him. Sawyer scowled.

"You'll be laughing on the other side of your face, Norma Rae, if ya don't shut it!" He snapped. He had to admit though...he looked kinda sexy as a woman. Now all that was left was to find out how bad Charlie looked. And he couldn't wait.

_**Inside Desmond's shack...**_

"JAYSUS!" Charlie shouted, taking care not to say Jesus properly, lest he should appear. "How SICK are you Des?" He had nearly had a premature heart attack when he had seen what was inside Des' shack.

"I am going to make you look fabulous Charlee boy!" Des proclaimed. "What should it matter about my...um interests, when we can beat Sawyer? Together!"

"I do want to beat him bad!" Charlie crowed. "Come on let's do it!" He high-fived a gleeful Des.

"I need to measure ya for this outfit, so strip!"

Charlie stopped in horror. "Don't you come near me!" He warned. "I can bloody measure meself. I don't need no Scottish pervert from the Island of insanity touching me up!"

"Ooh almost an overly defensive attitude I'd say," Des said with a sly grin on his face.  
"TWO WORDS FOR YA PAL!" Charlie shrieked. "PENNY and SICK!"

"Oh right Penny," Des looked forlorn and Charlie took this moment to grab any clothes in sight and to flee. He didn't stop until he reached a quiet, deserted clearing. He let out a low chuckle as he anticipated what Sawyer would look like as a woman. God, he couldn't wait to see what he looked like but first to business. He had to see what _he _was wearing first. The first thing he pulled out was a thong. A THONG? Who wore a thong on an island? Only two people came to mind; Shannon...or that other blonde girl Nikki. They both seemed like saucy girls, not that he thought about them like that. God, no. Charlie stared at the thong in his hands dubiously. How would he fit...wouldn't things get...wouldn't it be rather packed...downstairs? Charlie hesitated before pulling down his trousers and boxers and then slipping them on. Rules of the contest, as laid down by Sayid and Bernard, was that every single item on their body had to be feminine and nothing of manly colour like blue or green unless it was underwear. So he had to derive some comfort from the fact that Sawyer would have to go through this too. Next, came the bottoms. Charlie had to choose between a corset and skirt or a very slutty dress. Hmmm decisions, decisions. In the end he decided to go for the corset and skirt. He didn't want to be seen as a transvestite and the corset was still a girly colour, pink, but in a subtler shade. Charlie attempted to fasten the corset himself but it was becoming a difficult challenge.

"YO TIM!" He yelled as the clunking of robotic feet made its way into the clearing. "A little help?" Tim bent down and started fastening up the corset and with each pull of the strings, Charlie's breathing became raspier.

"This is the fashion for women in London I believe." Tim's robotic and monotonous voice stated matter-of-factly.

"Well women in London must've learned not to breathe!" Charlie wheezed. God, how did women wear these? It was like he was being choked to death! He might just pass out later. Sawyer would get a kick out of it. Soon his outfit was complete. Scarlet skirt, subtle pink corset, scarlet heels and a touch of lippy. Charlie was glad he didn't have a mirror else he might have died of laughing...or embarrassment; one of the two. He asked Tim how he looked but he'd gone. He had to remember where he was meeting with Sawyer but then lost his nerve. They were meeting at the edge of the beach and, courtesy of Sayid and Bernard, there was a beach party to greet them. He laughed nervously and then gasped as the corset dug in tighter. This may just be the death of him, he thought with a grimace.

_**In Jack's 'operating theatre', a.k.a the caves...**_

"Are you sure about this John?" Jack asked dubiously. "I don't want to kill you." _Or do I? _His evil half asked. Locke nodded and re-iterated that it was his destiny to have a brain transplant. They had made the brain beforehand using bits and bobs around the island. Jack was unsure how he was going to start, because simply decapitating John wasn't going to work. He had to be very, very careful about this procedure.

"Let's go," Jack grimly said. He had managed to find something to numb the pain, in place of anaesthetic but it was very pre-historic. He knocked John out with a large rock. Not very mature, but he enjoyed it like he was knocking Locke's faith out of his brain. _That was for getting Boone killed! _He thought savagely as he brough the rock down on his head. Then he got out his tools for the incision into his brain. One wrong cut and John would be catapulted into the heaven he so clearly believed in. He began cutting very delicately, trying to image John as Kate, so he would take this more seriously...

_**Later that day, at the beach. **_

"I knew it! The coward's chickened out." Sawyer declared. He was at their spot waiting, with Sayid for Charlie to show his face but so far, the weasel wasn't there. Then the faint sounds of heels interspersed with groans of pain and wheezing reached his ears and a wide grin split his face as he saw Charlie...or should he say Charlotte, enter the clearing.

"Well, hello there lil lady." He smoothly taunted Charlie. "I should..."

"Take a look at yourself before you taunt me." Charlie retorted. "You look like a male version of the world's ugliest model."

"And what are you? The Queen of beauty?" Sawyer mocked.

"Never mind the banter. Let's do this." Sayid interrupted, itching to show everyone his creations. But what could he introduce them as? Charlie was easy...Charlotte. But Sawyer was difficult. Then he grinned as he thought of a _really _humilating name: Dolly Sawyetta Latisha. It was girly enough with just a touch of class and style. He told them to stay put whilst he introduced them. Then, with utter delight and glee, he danced into the clearing.

"Gather round people! I have an announcement to make!" He grinned.

"Dude!" Hurley was shocked. "You're like _smiling. _What's up?"

Sayid waited until he had a big enough audience before clearing his throat and then announced, "May I present, the stars of the party, the beauties of the ball and the hotties of the hot. Miss Charlotte Stanley and Dolly Sawyetta Latisha!"

Sawyer entered the clearing first, battering his eyelashes and blowing kisses to everyone. Then Charlie stumbled out, fanning himself and re-applying his lipstick. For a moment there was a stunned silence as everyone took in their real identities. Then, almost simultaneously and harmoniously, there was an uproar of laughter. Claire and Kate were in stitches, clutching each other in support, with tears streaming down their eyes as they roared with laughter. Hurley just kept saying dude over and over again.

_"The best thing about bein' a woman..."_ Charlie sung, loudly and off-key.

_"Is the prerogative to have a little fun yeah!" _Sawyer joined in and they started dancing, feeling humiliated, but at the same time reaping the attention they were receiving.

_"Woah-oh-oh go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady!" _They sung together, bouncing up and down to show off their constructed breasts (made out of a fruit). Claire was almost dying of laughter and she collapsed to the floor in hysterics.

"_Men's shirts-short skirts  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction  
Color my hair-do what I dare  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel  
Man! I feel like a woman!" _They belted out the last line together and then laughed.  
"YOU'RE WEARING A FRIGGIN' THONG?" A female voice shrieked. "MY THONG?" Nikki's enraged face went up to Charlie's as she glared at him. Charlie fluttered his eyelashes at her and she ended up giggling. "You keep them though, I don't want them back." She warned. Paulo was looking very serious though.

"How did you get my wife's underwear?" He demanded. Charlie merely danced around him and Sawyer threw his feathered boa around him as they tried to seduce Paulo, much to Nikki's delight. Paulo just stood there, looking as stunned and bewildered as an animal caught in headlights. The night was very much like a hen party, minus the bride to be. Despite their inhibitions, Sawyer and Charlie enjoyed the night and laughed with everyone else at their choice of clothing.

"Who won?" They both demanded Sayid at the end of the night. Sayid looked from Charlie to Sawyer to Charlie again. It was a difficult decision so he decided to use the power of a tie-breaker.

"I can't decide so here's the tie-breaker..." He began. All of a sudden Charlie's eyes rolled back and he collapsed from lack of oxygen. Sawyer grinned as he took off his earrings.

"I take it I won then? Since the runt can't seem to handle being a woman." He asked confidently. Sayid shrugged then wandered off, bored already of what had proven to be a very successful night. He reminded over his shoulder about Sawyer's promise to robot-sit Tim and then disappeared into the night. Sawyer grinned and then gazed at Charlie who was blue in the face.

"I guess I should release the corset now." He mused. Then he shrugged and wandered off in search for more entertainment. As he reached the caves he heard a most unusual sound; Jack laughing. But it wasn't a happy laugh, more like an evil laugh.  
"Finally! I've created you! You my creation will plunder the island and get me medical supplies!" Jack cackled. He caught sight of a gaping Sawyer and grinned. "Presenting, John Locke! The Island version of Frankenstein!" Sawyer stared as Locke sat up and glinted at him.

"What have you done, doc?" Asked Sawyer in shock. It was then Jack laughed a real laugh. A hysterical, uncontrollable laugh.

"What the hell are you wearing?" He spluttered. "Jeez, you really went overboard this time!" He then collapsed into a fit of laughter. Sawyer rolled his eyes and then hoisted up his fake breasts.

"Stop there." He commanded Locke who made to walk off. "You can't leave yet."

The new Locke rolled his eyes and then walked up to Sawyer so they were face to face. He breathed heavily before uttering, "_Don't ever tell me what I can't do, James." _Sawyer rolled his eyes again. Some people were freaks. He was the only sane one it seemed and with that thought, he went dancing off twirling around singing Shania Twain again and again.


	6. Chapter 6 Stalking Jack

**Stalking Jack **

**This idea is not mine but a big big thank you goes to Smutyaoifan for this wonderful idea. And yes the story is EXACTLY what the title suggests. I have no personal antagonism towards Jack by the way...I just like to piss off his character...mwuahahaha! **

**Stalking Jack- **_involving Locke experiencing some weird side effects of the brain surgery, Kate discovering something disturbing, Charlie and Claire patching things up...and toast. Oh and I make a brief cameo appearance as well :P _

"Dudes, what are you doing?"

"Quiet down marshmallow boy! This is a real, deadly, sinister match and you're blocking my damn view!"

Hurley shrugged, unaffected by Sawyer's harsh words. He was used to it by now. He was staring at this supposedly sinister match which was, in fact, nothing more than chess. Yes. They had golf, they had backgammon now, thanks to Smokey, a chess set had been discovered in one of the luggage bags which had mysteriously washed ashore. Charlie and Sawyer were trying it out, and both were equally competitive. _Or stubborn if you looked at it another way, _Hurley thought with a smirk. He still visualised Charlie and Sawyer in dresses and every single time, he burst out laughing.

"Checkmate!" Charlie crowed triumphantly, blocking Sawyer's king expertly. Who said rock stars couldn't play chess?

"Son of a bitch!" Sawyer cursed. Hurley just smirked again and walked off. Sawyer HATED to lose, as Hurley knew well. How did he bloody LOSE at EVERYTHING? It was just stupid bad luck that made him so lousy at everything. He had a sudden urge to piss someone off. Someone who could be wound up really, really, really easily. He averted his eyes to Charlie, who stared at him suspiciously.

"You want to piss someone off, don't you?" He asked matter-of-factly. "How about Jack?" Sawyer gaped and then glared; the little jerk was getting too familiar for his liking. Was his expression really that easy to interpret? Judging by Charlie's smirk, it was.

"Alright, Papa Smurf." He said, equally as matter-of-factly. "What were YOU thinking of doing?"

Charlie just grinned evilly. "Leave this to me..."

Locke wasn't feeling well. His head was on fire and occasionally he saw spurts of red across the sky, that _supposedly _weren't there. But he didn't want to go Jack. No he was done interacting with that foolish mortal. Mortal? What was he on? It wasn't like he was bloody immortal or a god or something. Sometimes Locke's own arrogance annoyed himself too. How he had not been shot yet or killed off in some dramatic, yet exciting event by the Lost writers, he had no idea. A flash of blue, green and then purple streaked across his eyes, causing him to stumble and then trip over.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!???" He wailed. "I'VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU'VE ASKED...!" His rant was interrupted by a smack to his face as a random, angry LOST fan came up and whacked him.

"WE'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE IN SERIES 1, GREATER GOOD!" He screamed. Then he ran off again. Locke looked confused. He never, ever repeated himself ever. Except when he screamed frequently at people that they couldn't tell him what he couldn't do. But that didn't count.

"Hey Jack." Jack looked up and saw Charlie grinning at him. He grinned back.

"Hey Charlie. Not seen you around the caves recently. How are you?" He asked, striding over and clapping him on the back.

"Fine. Watcha doin'?" Charlie asked.

"Just packing some stuff up. You wanna help?" Jack replied with a grin. Of all the losties, Charlie was the least annoying. Of course that was all about to change.

"Watcha doin'?" Charlie repeated. Jack's smile faded slightly.

"What I just said." He said slowly. "What's wrong Charlie?"

"Nothing. Watcha doin'?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "What's Sawyer got you doing now?"

"Watcha doin'?" Charlie repeated looking solemnly at Jack. "Watcha doin'? Live together, die alone Jack. I'm asking you as a friend...watcha doin'?"

"How. Dare. You. Use. My. Saying!" Jack gritted his teeth in annoyance. "I only said that like once!"

"NO YOU DIDN'T!" Angry Lost fan was back again. He pulled a portable DVD player from out of nowhere and highlighted to Jack exactly how many times he'd said the phrase over the course of the show. By the end Jack was, unsurprising, in tears.  
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" He screamed in rage, stamping his foot like an infant. Charlie smiled and then slipped into the shelter of the trees. His work here was done. Jack was confused, annoyed, angry and extremely paranoid now. And all it had taken was 4 words.

"Oh. Not bad at all Chucky." Sawyer had been insultingly surprised when Charlie had told him what he'd done. "In fact, that's almost ingenious!"

"Thanks for the amazing compliment Sawyer. I'm drowning in your kind words." Charlie rolled his eyes. "But you couldn't do better if you tried." His observant eyes caught some strange little movements from Sawyer as he spoke. First Sawyer would cross his legs and then would uncross them. Next he would ever so casually, push a bit of hair out of his eyes and tuck it behind his ears. His fingers traced his lips as if he was re-applying lipstick and then he would go to hoist up an invisible skirt and then quickly realise he was wearing jeans. Charlie bit his lip thoughtfully; he'd have to keep his eye on his friend. He might be getting some side-effects from their last challenge.

"I bet I could." Sawyer rose to the challenge. He stood up and then thought carefully. Jack was an easy target to wind up and he thought he knew just how to wind Jack up. But it would take precision, cautiousness and sensitivity. Sawyer almost barked with laughter at the thought of him as being sensitive. He stalked off at once, whilst the thought was still fresh in his mind. Charlie couldn't help but notice that he flicked his hair up as he walked. A small, precious hand tugged at his sleeve and his heart melted as he saw Aaron beside him in the arms of Claire.

"Hey." She said with a soft smile. Charlie seemed taken aback by her attitude. After all the last time he'd seen her, her fists had been pounding his body. He winced at the memory.

"I'm not here to beat you up again." She assured him, her tone light and teasing. "I'm here to tell you...how funny I thought yours and Sawyer's...um...drag act was." She smiled and he couldn't resist smiling back. "It was very entertaining but Charlie? If you ever steal my clothes again...I'll have to kill you." She bared her teeth menacingly but playfully at the same time. Charlie at once looked horrified.  
"Those...were...your...clothes?" He asked slowly. She burst out laughing at his expression and then lightly pushed him. But Charlie being Charlie...fell over at the lightest touch. He leapt to his feet and then growled softly. Claire let out a soft scream and then he started chasing her and Aaron in to the jungle, all the while hoping Sawyer would manage to find a way to wind Jack up a lot.

Locke wasn't sure what he was making. All he knew was that he had a strange impulse to fuse metal stuff together. The island was taking over his brain and giving him some strange instructions. Earlier that day, he had went up to Rose and told her in Italian that he had thought her husband looked like a giant monkey in a fish costume. Then he had gone over to Jin and hugged him randomly whilst nicking his wallet at the same time. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he didn't like it. The one thing he'd been glad to have done was to burn down Desmond's ridiculous shack.

_Grow a beard now...be daring and grow one. _The sly voice of the island spoke to him. _It will make you look more like a leader than Jack. His beard is never a fully grown one but neither is he ever clean-shaven. _Locke mused on this thought as his hands constantly kept crafting. He should've been an inventor, he thought. He would've made lots of cool things from his childhood fantasies. Maybe a hovercar or a rocket ship with his name on it. _The Lockeatron _sounded cool or maybe, _LockeRockes! _Nah. That dream was as futile as trying to convince Jack to shave. It was only when Locke's hands stopped crafting that he realised what he had built; it was a toaster. Why? _Because, _the sly voice begun, _I bet everyone would __**love **__you if you brought back something other than boar for a change. Now go and make bread! What am I a bloody robot? _Locke thought savagely but he found himself swinging towards the jungle obediently. He was now regretting this brain surgery. Once again, he had to reluctantly admit he was wrong.

"You want me and you...to have sex?" Kate asked, looking incredulously at Sawyer. He was unabashed, blunt and quite rude in his manner, she thought but she had to admire his guts. She wasn't used to having guys being so upfront with her. But still she had her morals, which were telling her right now to kick him in the groin and then walk off whilst she still had her pride.

"Yep. What d'ya say Freckles?" Sawyer asked eagerly. He admitted his manner could've been a touch more delicate but there was no point in beating around the bush in these situations. Kate stared at him and saw he was twitching. His hand kept twitching to his hair and if she wasn't very much mistake..._was he wearing eye-shadow? _She stalked closer to him to take a closer look but Sawyer misconstrued this as her agreeing with him. He took her in his arms and started kissing her. Kate knew she should be stopping this. She should be stopping this. Stopping this, she should be doing. Hell, a girl had her needs. She gave in with a soft moan and then everything faded into sepia.

Jack was walking by, still upset over the whole Live Together Die Alone issue. He'd decided never to say it again. _Ever. _Never, ever, ever again! Well...except in emergencies. He heard a soft moan from somewhere but, being a doctor, he misconstrued it as being a groan of pain. And it was coming from inside Sawyer's tent. There was a reason to go in there for a start. But Jack's doctor instincts were too strong to ignore. He marched in and then gaped in horror at what he saw. Kate's legs were wrapped around Sawyer's waist and he was holding her to his chest and they were kissing, totally lost in the moment. Jack became a traffic light, changing from green with nausea, to red with anger in the blink of an eye. He was physically shaking. He stepped out of the tent, mega pissed and decided to go and yell at a tree to calm himself down. All of a sudden he caught an alluring scent in the wind, something he'd not eaten in ages! Toast! Oh the magic of toast. He smiled, his problems temporarily forgotten as he made himself walk towards the jungle where Locke was making tons of toast for everyone.

"Locke how did you do this?" He asked in amazement. Locke turned to smile at him, but it was a cold, unforgiving smile.

"Don't ever tell me what I can't do Jack."

"I didn't say anything..." Jack began but Locke was too busy to talk to him. Feeling a little dejected and extremely pissed off, Jack decided to steal a bunch of toast whilst Locke was talking to Jin. He ate the warm, buttery toast and felt a little more calm. A little bit. As in his status hadn't changed at all. He was still pissed off. But on the bright side...he wasn't hungry.

A few days later, Kate was still thinking about Sawyer as she walked through the jungle. She'd noticed Jack had been rather cold with her these past few days but at this precise moment she found herself following a strange sound. It sounded like a cross between a cat in pain and an elephant's screech. She was concerned an animal may have been injured and she tried to follow the sound intensely. What she saw beyond the trees almost made her wet herself with laughter.

"Oh, Sawyetta, aren't you a doll!" A female version of Sawyer, or alternatively Sawyer dressed up as a woman, crooned. He or she, stroked her hair and re-applied her lipstick. "My, oh, my aren't you naughty?" Kate stifled a laugh but she had to stuff her fist in her mouth to do it. He bent over and she saw he was wearing her pink thongs. She didn't know whether to be outraged, or amused by this. A strange collaboration of the two caused her to snort out loud. A horrified Sawyer turned round and saw her.

After the awkward silence he spluttered, "It's not what it looks like!" The typical excuse.

"Ok Sawyer." Kate said calmly. "Then what _does _it look like?" She couldn't hold it in any longer. She started crying with laughter and Sawyer's face only made it worse. She literally had stomach cramps from laughing so hard. Angry lost fan, who was incidentally a Jater, who had re-appeared, was going to yell at them for having sex when Jack and Kate should be together, but saw Sawyer and then exploded as the laughter built up in his body.

"Oops, I did it again." Sawyer cried. He realised the double meaning of these words and then looked even more horrified.

"Are you more comfortable as a woman then Sawyer?" Kate choked. "Does that mean what we did three days ago, would now classify me as a lesbian?"

"I only did it to hurt Jack." He muttered under his breath so she couldn't hear him. To his horror, Charlie, Claire, Sun, Jin and Sayid came into the clearing, all eating _toast???_ They stopped short at the sight of him and Charlie's roar of laughter set everyone else up.

"ARGH! Why can't anyone understand me?" Sawyer growled. "So I have a hobby. So what? At least I don't go around painting fingernails pink like Sayid, or go wrestling with imaginary tigers like Sun." Sun and Sayid immediately flushed to their chagrin.

"And don't even get me started on Chuckles here!" Sawyer rounded on Charlie. He saw Claire holding his hand. "Did you know mamacita, that Chuckie here secretly has a diary? A sissy, girly diary?"

"Really?" Claire squealed. Charlie nodded, slightly embarrassed. She giggled and kissed his cheek. Sawyer scowled. His plan to take the hobbit down with him had failed.

"Wait a minute!" Charlie frowned a minute. "Wasn't the whole point of this long and rambly fanfiction...for us to stalk Jack and annoy him? We've totally failed in that you know. Fans of this author will be so disappointed."

"So?" Sawyer shrugged. "Unless he dresses like a woman, I don't care."

"What makes you think the author is a boy?" Charlie demanded. "It could be a girl..."

"A woman writer? Pur-lease!" Sawyer scoffed. "Next you'll be sending women into space, teaching them to fly planes and then making them rulers of the world!"

"Sexist pig!" Kate, Claire and Sun all cried simultaneously, glaring at him in disgust.

_**I can assure you, I am a girl! **_A voice boomed out of the sky. Everyone looked startled, including Sawyer. _**I have the power of life and death over every one of you! Oh and Sawyer? **_

"Yes ma'am?" Sawyer asked sheepishly, turning scarlet in embarrassment.

_**You might want to...um...hoist up your...um fake breasts. **_

Sawyer scowled and looked down at his breasts which were now where his stomach was. Everyone howled with laughter except for Locke whose eyes widened and bowed to the ground.

"All hail the victorious one!" He crowed. "May She rule forever!"

Everyone promptly left the clearing with mutters of 'freak' and 'religious zealot' hanging in the air.

Suddenly Jack entered the clearing, looking rushed and out of breath.

"Leave him alone!" He declared. "It's been six days, and we're all still waiting..."

Angry Lost fan re-appeared after being resurrected from the dead and cried, "WE'VE HEARD THAT SPEECH BEFORE! STOP WITH THE LIVE TOGETHER DIE ALONE THING AND GET A LIFE! Or Kate." He added as an afterthought. "Now excuse me. I have to go scream at a polar bear." And with that, he scurried away, leaving a disgruntled and very upset Jack to stare at Locke.

"What's wrong with me?" He pouted. Locke grimaced as if to say, _don't get me started mate! _

**A.n- Hope you liked it! Wasn't my best admittedly but I had to submit it now because I may not have time to do anymore for a while. I've got a show coming up soon but I'll try and update soon XD thanks for reading my loyal readers :D You may have your choice of a miniature but lifelike character of your choice from LOST as a prize :P **


	7. Chapter 7 Bet you wouldn't

**I bet you wouldn't...**

**A.n- ****Thanks for all the fab reviews so far! Huggles! This is a cross between an idea Grabeels_Girl and JSkaterfan had so thank you to them both for this and all the other ideas they've put across. If I don't use an idea, it's not because I don't like it, it's because I can't find any inspiration to make it into a good chapter :S I'm trying to regularly update this now. **

**I bet you wouldn't....**_Involving some very saucy dares on Sawyer's parts, an undiscovered talent on Charlie's part, Hurley and Jin becoming very mischievous and the re-appearance of our favourite strange duo...Locke and Desmond! Oh and we get the final list of...which characters are gonna end up together! Que dramatic music! Dum dum dum..._

Que the LOST title!

It was quiet. Too quiet. If this had been a Western, Sawyer would have wagered his entire stash that tumbleweed would be blowing past right about now. He frowned, licked his finger and felt it against the wind out of habit. He glanced around but everyone's tents were deserted. Not a soul in sight. Then he heard their laughter. Frowning, Sawyer started walking towards the source of the din and he gaped in astonishment at what he saw. Row upon row of dead bodies, Charlie's and Kate's lying next to each other. Who was laughing if they were all dead? Sawyer glanced around, terrified, and saw the Others staring at him, laughing their head off. One of them picked up Kate's body and started using her as a puppet, her eyes looking blankly at him, unseeing, unfeeling...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Sawyer thrashed around like a lunatic as he started waking up from this devilish nightmare. He started panting and, feeling slightly scared he sat up. He checked outside his tent and saw to his relief that everyone was still alive and well. Jack was arguing with Locke, Desmond was staring longingly around, trying to find Charlie, Claire was cooing over her baby...the normal daily routine was still going on then. The world was still going about it's daily business whilst he was having a nightmare. He felt both disturbed and relieved by this fact. Sawyer made his way back into his tent to change into a different top, seeing as how he'd drowned his favourite light grey, baggy t-shirt in sweat. He should really be reported for shirt abuse. Just the other day he'd ripped his other favourite shirt by going out for a walk and then, cleverly, tripping over a root and landing in a bush. It was something Charlie would do but not Sawyer.

Speaking of Charlie...where was the little munchkin? Sawyer narrowed his eyes. He was too quiet. There was no unusual plotting or scheming that he was aware of...why?

"Watcha doin'?" Charlie's familiar voice called behind him. Three things happened simultaneously as soon as he spoke. Sawyer whipped round, tripped up and then fell to the ground. Cursing like he'd never cursed before, he got up and scowled at Charlie.

"Speak of the Devil, and the Devil shall appear!" He spat at him. "What d'ya want? I ain't got no time for games today!"

"Is there a schedule you ain't showin' me boy?" Charlie mocked his gruff voice and Sawyer scowled again. He really wasn't in the best of moods today, least of all to deal with annoying, little miniature Gollums who forever wanted something to do.

"No. But I got stuff to do!" Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Believe it or not Charlie, I ain't your boyfriend." His tone became very teasing after that remark. "As much as it pains me to break your heart...I don't like guys like that."

"Har de har har." Charlie replied sarcastically. "God, you're so funny Sawyer!" Both of them stared at each other, unsmiling, wondering what to say next.

"I bet you wouldn't tell Kate how you _really _feel about her." Charlie said slyly, a grin entering his face. Sawyer stared at him gobsmacked, for once not knowing what to say. Then a grin entered his face too.

"I bet you wouldn't tell mamacita over there, how _you _feel about _her._" He shot back, gesturing to Claire, who looked oblivious to everything that was going on around her.

Charlie, comically, started spluttering. "What? What drugs are you on mate?" He managed to choke out. "Me....and Claire? What gives you...?"

"Oh COME ON!" Sawyer hissed impatiently. "You HAVE to realise you two are made for each other. As nauseatingly revolting as it is." He added as an afterthought. Charlie snorted.

"How touchingly sentimental Sawyer," he sneered, "That you are keeping up to date with my love life!"

"Look do you want me to bring back Angry Lost Fan to give you the run down on the ships around here?" Sawyer warned. "'Cause I'll do it Bugs Bunny!" He held a list of random names. "See? Angry Lost Fan gave me a list."

Charlie looked intrigued, against his will.

"Does it contain the list of couples who are gonna end up together?" He asked eagerly. Sawyer smirked.

"Thought you weren't interested?" He waved the list around casually. Charlie snatched it and then read it, his eyes widening as his eyes scanned down the list.

"No way!" He exclaimed. "Sayid and....? Kate and....? Oh man this gets confusing!" He chuckled in soft delight at the last two names on the list..._Charlie&Claire. _Sawyer slapped his thigh loudly and, startled, Charlie looked up. Sawyer wore a huge grin on his face and his eyes gleamed mischievously.

"I knew it!" He crowed triumphantly. "You love her!" Charlie turned scarlet but didn't deny it, which of course made Sawyer hoot even harder with laughter. He mumbled incoherently but couldn't find a clever response to shoot back.

"You have to tell her!" Sawyer urged, still grinning. "If you do, I'll tell Kate what...I feel about her." He grimaced as those words left his mouth, as if he couldn't believe Charlie had forced those words out of him. Charlie considered this for a moment and appraised Sawyer doubtfully, not really believing he would. "Deal?" He stared as Sawyer outstretched his hand and then took it.

"Deal." He agreed. "But I'm watching." He added. Sawyer grimaced again but didn't object.

_**Now over to our favourite comical, for lack of a better word, duo. **_

"Um... I hate to break it to you box man but those bugs aren't gonna move brotha."

"Stop calling me that! Else I'll find another hatch for you to blow up but this time...you'll be strapped to the damn computer responsible for blowing it up!" Locke threatened.

"Aw don't be like that Box Man." Desmond grinned. "Box man is better than John. Look I even did a survey with all the LOST fanatics and 99.99 percent of them agreed with me!" He showed him the piece of paper and for a moment Locke seemed like he was going to cry. Then, his face visibly brightened.

"At least I have one loyal fan!" He declared. "I shall make it my life's mission to find...MY ONE TRUE FAN!"

Que dramatic music. Dum dum dum...

"I think that's an impossible task box man..." Desmond began but was interrupted by a fist to his face.

"Um...Claire?" Charlie's voice, nervous and croaky, woke up Claire from her little daydream. She smiled at him as he came to sit next to him. She noticed Sawyer smirking at her from his tent. _Sometimes that guy creeps me out a little, _she thought but she still smiled nonetheless.

"I need to say something." He began but then Sun interrupted.

"Hey Claire are you alright?" She smiled. Charlie had his head in his hands. Claire, unaware of Charlie's silent agony, smiled and the two of them started chatting for what seemed like forever. When Sun had left, Charlie made to start talking again.

"Hey have any of you guys seen my one true fan?" Locke rushed by, hesitating at the foot of Claire's tent. She smiled but shook her head as did Charlie but he looked exasperated.

"You were saying Charlie?" Claire turned back to him, as Locke dashed off again. Charlie tried to begin again.

"Hey Mamacita, how's it going?" Sawyer had seen what was going on and had come over to have a little fun of his own.

"ALRIGHT! GET OUT NOOOOOOW!" Charlie bellowed before charging at Sawyer and pushing him into his tent. He then rushed back to Claire, before anyone else could intervene.

"Listen Claire I need to tell you something." He said quickly. She smiled at him in that dazzling way of hers and for a moment he was breathless.

"IloveyouandIwantedyoutoknowthatpleasedon'tlaughatme." He said in one breath.

"What?" Claire asked looking confused.

"I love you." He blurted out. "Don't laugh at me." He cringed and looked to the ground as if hoping it would swallow him up. To his surprise, she didn't laugh at him. There were no shocked gasps, no nervous titters, nothing. He glanced up and to his amazement, she was smiling at him. She seemed to be forever smiling these days.

"That's so sweet Charlie. I...I love you too." She murmured, looking as happy as he'd ever seen her. Ignoring the gagging sounds from behind him, Charlie leaned in and met her lips. They tasted sweet and beautiful and he felt like he was in heaven. When they had let go they smiled at each other and the gagging sounds became louder.

_**Half an hour later...**_

"Admit it, buster! You have me to thank for that touching, although slightly nauseating, scene between you and the missus." Sawyer declared, jabbing Charlie in the chest with his finger. Charlie rolled his eyes.

"You've not kept your side of the bargain yet mister!" He challenged. "Now it's YOUR turn."

Sawyer had to think fast. "Ok I'll make you a deal." He said. "Give me another challenge ANY other challenge and I'll do it in compensation." Charlie stared at him incredulously for a moment before a sly and evil grin emerged on his face.

"Let's make this interesting." He mused. "We'll get Hurley...and ummm Jin to write down the tasks and put it in a hat. Claire's sun hat oughta do. Then we pull it out at random to see what challenge we get." Sawyer listened to him and then nodded. Then he frowned. "Why Hurley and Jin?" He asked suspiciously.

"Because they are the most neutral out of the camp." Charlie pointed out. "Jack's pissed at both of us, you'll end up flirting with Kate, Sun's still mad at you, Locke and Des are too busy playing mind games with each other...you get the picture." Sawyer nodded carefully. He shook Charlie's hand.

"You're on!"

"WHEREEEEE IS HEEEEEE? Or she?" Locke screeched. "Why aren't I loved?" He sobbed into his hands.

"Believe me box man when I say, it's more than likely this fan isn't even on this island." Desmond replied, absent-mindedly filing his nails. Locke glared at him but didn't reply. He was devastated that he had an unknown fan somewhere and he might never find him (Or her).

"You can't find him Box man. Just face it." Desmond continued. It was like he had released the bull from the pen.

"Don't. Ever. Tell. Me. What. I. Can't. Do." Locke breathed, his eyes turning into slits.

"Yeah, yeah." Desmond didn't look scared. Au contraire, he looked extremely bored. He yawned and then lay back to watch Locke who was proving to be more entertaining than an hour of Exposé.

"The Island will give us a sign." Locke decided after an hour of pacing frantically up and down. Desmond rolled his eyes. Life was anything but dull when Locke was around.

"You say like that like it's a good thing," he muttered mutiniously,earning him a sharp whack around the side of his head. He really needed to find someone better to hang around with...

"What we have to do?" Jin looked confused. Hurley grinned at him.

"Dude, we have been entrusted with a sacred task." He explained. "We, as neutral members of the camp, have been given permission to come up with tasks for Charlie and Sawyer to fulfill. Let's be evil!"

"E-vil?" Jin looked even more confused. Hurley sighed and then asked Sun to come over and translate. Once he understood though, he cackled as evilly as he could and then the both of them laughed together, rubbing their hands together. They _never _got to anything viciously bad and now it was their villainous moment in the sun, so to speak. Sun rolled her eyes and realised a bit too late, that she had unleashed a pair of monsters onto the world. She decided, sensibly, to stay away and maybe go find Claire or something.

A couple of long, torturous hours later, Hurley and Jin wandered over to Sawyer and Charlie who were huddling over a piece of paper. Hurley attempted to peek but they were too quick for him.

"Dudes, it's ready!" He beamed, trying to disguise the glint of evil in his eyes.

"Ta-da!!" Jin added for dramatic effect. Charlie sniggered but Sawyer, for once, wasn't mocking any of them. He was suspicious. He suspected that Hurley in particular would want some sort of payback for all the various fat nicknames he'd received off of him, over their time on the island. He daydreamed over some of his best nicknames he'd given various people; _Babar, Deepdish, Dr Giggles, Oliver Twist, Hot lips, Freckles..._the list went on. He was surprised that no one had tried to assassinate him yet. Or at the very least, steal his stash.

"Ok, Mr Ford. Take it away." Charlie bowed mockingly to him and he glared back in response. He glanced at Jin and Hurley who seemed to be gleefully grinning at him. He closed his eyes, reached into the hat, and pulled out a small scrap piece of paper (shamelessly stolen from the back of Claire's diary). He daren't look at it but what was the worst that Crouching Tiger and Shrek over there could throw at him? He unfolded the piece of paper and gasped in horror.

_Kiss 3 guys. Your choice but it has to be guys. No quick peck on the cheek either. Full on the lips. _

Charlie read it over his shoulder and collapsed on the ground, in hysterics.

"You. Cannot. Be. Serious!" Sawyer spluttered, glaring at a laughing Jin and Hurley giving meaning to the expression, _if looks could kill. _He was incredulous, speechless, horrified. He tried to reason with himself that at least it was his choice and it didn't specify about the use of tongues. It didn't make the choice any easier though.

"Now?" He asked Hurley who nodded in grim satisfaction. "It can't be us two though." He added quickly with a panicky edge to his voice, as if afraid of being Sawyer's victims. "We're neutral, impartial, unbiased, irrelevant to the competi..."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You weren't my first choice anyway, Lardo." Sawyer cut across him. He scanned the area. Luck was on his side as there weren't too many people around. He made his mind up to kiss the first three guys that came into sight, which effectively and thankfully ruled out Charlie too. He just hoped it wasn't... No sooner was the thought in his mind then the very person he didn't want to kiss came into sight. Jack. Sawyer groaned bitterly but he made a promise to himself. He just had to get it over and done with. He strode across to Jack.

"Hey Sawyer." Jack greeted him warily. "Why are you looking like...hey!" Sawyer had grabbed Jack's face roughly and kissed him full on the lips. Then let it go again very quickly. Both of them looked at each other as if, for one moment, they had enjoyed that. Then nausea overtook them and both turned round and fled from each other. Charlie was in stitches. He'd not laughed so hard in ages. Hurley and Jin were crying and hugging each other, each feeling more than gleeful that their revenge was almost complete. They couldn't wait for Charlie's task, whatever it may be.

"So, you kissed Sayid, Jack and Eko?" Charlie snorted. "How did Eko take it?" Sawyer, for the first time in his life (and hopefully the last) blushed.  
"I don't wanna talk about it!" He growled. "Your turn freckles."

"I thought that was reserved for Kate." Charlie said absent-mindedly as he picked a piece of paper out from Claire's hat. He read it and then frowned. He had to admit it was better than Sawyer's but still...a strange task.

_Convince Sayid he needs a haircut. Then give him a really girly style and convince him it's the new fashion for men. _

"THAT'S ALL HE BLOODY GOT!" Sawyer was outraged. "I had to KISS three bloody men! And he got...he got..."

"Did I hear you correctly Sawyer or are my ears playing tricks on me?" Kate butted in, looking like all her Christmases and birthdays had come at once. He looked down and muttered, "Depends on what you heard." Kate still looked smug, as if his confession confirmed something.

"Didn't you dress up like a woman only three days ago?" She reminded him gleefully. "Guys, I think Sawyer's trying to say something. I think...he's coming out of the closet." Everyone started laughing hysterically and Sawyer growled under his breath.

"Ain't you got an adventure to get to?" He snarled at Kate. "I think Timmy fell down a well over that way." Kate rolled her eyes but, nevertheless left. Relieved, Sawyer turned back to face the others and grinned at Charlie. "You're turn, Pooh Bear."

"Cute nickname, Sawyer, really cute." Charlie replied scornfully. He rolled up his sleeves, grabbed a pair of scissors from his bag and then started strolling towards the faint silhouette of Sayid, who was sitting alone by the shore. Sayid seemed to look shell-shocked and Charlie didn't blame him. If _he'd_ been kissed by Sawyer it would've caused endless nightmares for _years_.

"Hey Sayid. Where's Tim?" He started the conversation cheerfully. Nothing like a good burst of friendliness as a starting point in ruining someone's day. And their hairdo.

"With Bernard." Sayid replied absent-mindedly.  
"Would you like a haircut Sayid?" Charlie decided to get straight to the point. He held the scissors in his hand and grinned, trying not to look menacing. Sayid shook his head.

"Oh come on Sayid. There's a really 'in' hairdo at the moment." Charlie wheedled. "You'd look reeeeally good! Women would go crazy over it." He added, letting the bait dangle. Sayid considered this carefully.

"Even...Kate?" He asked hesitantly, watching Charlie's incredulous expression appear on his face.

"You like Kate?" He blurted out in surprise. Sayid nodded.

"Who else have I got? The monkeys? The polar bear?" He asked sarcastically. "Shannon's gone. The woman I professed to love, before getting on this plane is somewhere far away. I have to move on." Suddenly he burst into action, demanding the haircut before he changed his mind. Charlie grinned, knowing Sawyer was watching. He zipped into action, bringing a chair from the fuselage to Sayid in under 30 seconds.

"Please sit, Monsieur." He commanded in a very bad impersonation of a French accent.

"Since when are you French?" Sayid muttered.

"Since now! And shut up before I snip ze lips off of you!" Charlie retorted, racing to his tent to fetch a sheet in which to wrap around his client. Tentatively, he examined Sayid's hair and then tutted. The scissors started to snip and he started humming to himself.

"Where have I heard that song before?" Sayid asked, more to himself than to Charlie. Charlie looked at him surprised. The song he was humming was one he'd made up just before he'd left for Sydney, in order to persuade Liam to re-join Driveshaft. It was called _Angels&Demons _and it was a passionate song about making the right choices in order to get into heaven. Charlie had been quite proud of that song and he could still remember the lyrics. He had to write it down as soon as he had a bit free time to himself.

"Are you done yet?" Sayid grumbled. "I have to go mope some more."

"What happened to your sudden optimism?" Charlie muttered. Sayid just cursed under his breath.

"TA.....DAAAA!" Charlie had finally finished. Sayid glanced into the offered mirror and almost collapsed in horror. He was wearing pigtails! PIGTAILS! He looked like a 5 year old girl! Charlie grinned at him and he began to lunge at him.

"Look Sayid. I told you it was the in fashion right now. You look very...erm handsome!" Charlie hesitated at the last sentence but Sayid didn't notice. He gazed into the mirror and suddenly smiled.  
"I do look sexy don't I?" He said coyly, stroking his new hair fondly. Charlie agreed fervently, not wishing to anger the wrath of Sayid. Sawyer, watching afar, was in hysterics, joined by Hurley and Jin.

"Enjoy your new look!" Charlie bolted before he ended up being polar bear food. He appraised Sayid's hairstyle from behind and realised he hadn't done a bad job. In fact...it looked almost professional, if he said so himself. _One more talent to add to his collection, _he thought to himself wryly. Even Sawyer was looking mildly impressed as he sauntered towards Charlie.  
"Gotta say Charlie," he admitted. "You didn't do a bad job!"

"Thanks Sawyer. Now your turn again!" Charlie grinned. Sawyer grimaced and turned to Hurley who had strode towards him as soon as he realised the competition was back on. Sawyer reached in and pulled out a piece of paper, dreading what diabolical scheme was on there.

_Give your favourite [male] castaway a lap dance! You know you want to..._

"If I said I was sorry about every nickname I've ever called you, would you stop me doing this ridiculous challenge?" Sawyer almost pleaded. This was literally agony.

"How do you know that challenge wasn't designed for Charlie?" Hurley demanded, a little too innocently. "You think we have some kind of vendetta against you?"

"Feels like it." Sawyer muttered mutinously.

"Who ya gonna pick this time Sawyer?" Charlie chipped in. "You can't pick Jack, Sayid or Eko. They'll already be filing out a restraining order." He grinned at his own joke but Sawyer looked far from amused. He looked panicked trying to figure out what guys were left. Charlie, Hurley, Jin, Bernard, Desmond, Locke...ugh! He shuddered. Not exactly what you'd call the best of the bunch. Might as well get it over and done with it!

"YOU CAN LAP DANCE ON MEEEEEEE!!" An all-too familiar voice entered the clearing. It was Ben.

"How the hell did you survive?" Sawyer demanded looking shell-shocked. Ben grinned and winked.

"Let's just say destiny's a fickle bitch." Was all he said.

"You'd really be prepared to face utter humiliation and possibly death depending on Jack's mood, to help me?" Sawyer seemed doubtful. Somehow he suspected Ben was manipulating him, in revenge for the whole 'chocolate bunny' incident. But who was he to question help, when it was offered?

"Deal." He grimaced as he shook Ben's cold and clammy hand. Deep down he was sure he would regret this but...meh what the heck? "But just so you know..." He forewarned Ben. "You're not my favourite guy, ok?"

"I'm not?" Ben sniffled. Then he seemed to straighten up in an attempt to look manlier. "Fine. Just remember though. Destiny's a fickle bitch." He warned. Sawyer rolled his eyes.

"What are you doing box man?"

"SHUSH! I need SILENCE!" Locke cried, being so contradictive of himself it was unbelievable. "I am TRYING to decide what to put on this poster. All I have so far is LOST."

"Oh the irony," Desmond muttered under his breath. "How about LOST BOX MAN SEEKS NEW HOME. IS DESPERATE AND PATHETIC. BELIEVES INANIMATE OBJECTS ARE REAL!"

"GAH! I actually wrote that! You CREEP!" Locke wailed, scrunching up the paper and lobbing it at Desmond, who was in hysterics. "I cannot believe you've not been assassinated yet!"

"That's 'cause I'm scottish and the girls love me." Des grinned. "And I don't repeat myself a lot like you do."

"You don't repeat yourself?" Locke snarled. "You don't repeat yourself? What about 'brotha'? Or 'you're gonna die Charleeeeeee?"

"I've not said that ONCE and SHUSH you're spoiling season 3!" It was Des's turn to wail. Locke rolled his eyes.

"Oh come on! The rest of us are waiting for season 5 to come! " He said spitefully. Des scowled but didn't say anything more. He really wanted a new best friend, one that preferably didn't hurl abuse at him or make fun of him. He sighed. It was a hard life being stuck with a box man who was obsessed with being liked...

Sawyer's arms were looped around Ben's neck as the crowd watched, each individual silently dying with laughter. He was positioned on Ben's lap and he started to sing an awful version of Mariah Carey's 'All I want for Christmas'. As he sung, he leaned back, still on Ben's lap until his head touched the sand. He then started singing, 'My Heart Will Go On' which then became, 'Mamma Mia!' It was like an extremely badly put together mix tape; complete with bad singing. His eyes fluttered at Ben who grinned.

"This is perfect," Charlie muttered to Hurley, who looked baffled. He then proceeded to show his friend the 'list'. There was CharlieXClaire obviously, BernardXRose and the other obvious pairings like SunXJin but then there was odd pairings such as SayidXNikki, KateXSmokey, JackXLocke (the most surprising of them all since they _hated _each other) and, conveniently enough, SawyerXBen.

"Dude! No friggin' way!" Hurley exclaimed before bursting into laughter. "Is that like...for real?"

"It's marked confidential and is in the LOST writer's writing!" Charlie exclaimed. "How real can you get?" Hurley suddenly looked frightened.  
"Dude. You know what happens when you disobey the writer's confidentiality?" He whispered. In response to Charlie's blank look, he hissed, "_You. Get. Killed. Off." _Que dramatic music. Dum dum dum. Angry Lost Fan re-emerged just to hand Charlie his new script. Within the script there was a lot of mumbo jumbo about Jack and Kate captured by Others...ya di da da...Sawyer and Kate have sex unsurprisingly blah blah blah...Wait a minute. Charlie's eyes narrowed as he caught glimpses of conversation between him and Desmond, something about flashes and then the next few words made his heart stop.

**Charlie succumbs to his fate with a sense of revelation and slight fear. Water is gushing in by the ton all around him. He writes NOT PENNY'S BOAT on his hand with the black marker and shows it to Des, who looks on in a quiet desperation and engulfing sadness. Then our favourite rock star makes the sign of the cross before his small figure becomes still in the water. **

So he drowns then. After 3 sodding years on the show, Charlie thought angrily, just because of some little spillage of LOST's precious secrets, the writers decided to kill him off. BAH! He'd have to get them to change their minds somehow...but how? As he looked at Sawyer dancing the night away on Ben's lap, he knew he had to convince Sawyer to work together with him.

A small figure in the distant makes his way across the screen of your computer. As he comes closer, you see it's Locke, looking bewildered, holding his lost fan poster. As you stare at him in wonder, he comes so close you can see his scars and he speaks or rather wails, "Are you my one, true fan?" And so his quest continues...

**A.n- Did you like that? I had great fun writing this piece :D I'm considering making a part two where by Sawyer and Charlie try to convince the LOST writers to not kill Charlie off but it's really up to you guys. After all you're the ones who have to read it! **

**Oh and for you LOST newbies....that list of characters being together isn't real. I had great fun making it up though. I reckon if any of them came true I'd die laughing. Other than the charlie/claire one I mean. **


	8. Chapter 8 Fatal Attractions

**Fatal Attractions**

**(Extremely fatal...) **

**A.n- Thanks for all the FANTASTIC reviews guys! As long as you keep reviewing, I'll keep updating! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed all the way through, but also thanks to new readers for coming on board 2!! This combines loads of your ideas, but I can't possibly credit you by name (too many to name :p) so if you see your idea...give yourself a pat on the back!! **

_**Fatal attractions- **__involving a new figure on the island, some plots to sacrifice Charlie to the Gods, re-appearance of Angry LOST fan and some secret attractions are revealed!_

"I can't believe they are killing me off!" Charlie wailed. Sawyer rolled his eyes. That was all that Charlie had said for the past few hours.

"Relax, Bagheera! At least you get to die a hero." He pointed out. Fatal error. Charlie whirled upon him, eyes blazing, steam blowing out of his ears. Was it just him...or was Charlie's fury a turn on? Oh dear God. Sawyer looked mortified by the thought and Charlie, misinterpreting it as fear, leaned back smugly.

"I tried to convince them, but all they said was I had, and I quote, _'distributed documents of a secretive nature, that was strictly prohibited from the public and/or the cast's attention and this fact was well known by every single cast member'_. Jackasses." He quoted sourly, folding his arms and looking like a sulky child, about to be punished. Sawyer half-smiled, thinking it was endearing to see a more dark side to Charlie. He stopped the thought before it polluted his brain.

"Good idea, insulting them whilst trying to get into their good books. You really are intelligent aren't ya!" He drawled sarcastically, trying, involuntarily, to entice Charlie's anger. God, was he masochistic or what? He was surprised the angry lost fan hadn't arrived yet, to viciously beat him up for not being with Kate.

"Shut up! Red...neck...man." Charlie stuttered in comeback. Sawyer smiled mockingly in response.

"Touché." He replied. A familiar huff could be heard as the figure of the angry lost fan re-emerged from the jungle. Speak of the devil...and he shall appear.

"You've got it ALL WRONG!" The lost fan interjected angrily. "According to the transcript of 'Tricia Tanaka is Dead' _Hurley _says the redneck line to Sawyer. BAH! Do I have to run the whole show myself?"

"Probably, Hermione Granger." Sawyer smirked. "Looks like you've done your studying." These were the wrong words to say. Angry Lost fan became furious and went right up to Sawyer's face, jabbing him in the chest sharply.

"One. Your choice of nickname was unoriginal and in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD! And two. I used to have respect for you, but I don't now since you have DIRTY, INAPPROPIATE THOUGHTS!"

"What's new?" Charlie shrugged. "He's kissed Jack, Sayid and Eko, gave Ben a lapdance and had sex with Kate. Again. He's bound to have a mixture of dirty thoughts. For both genders." He added, waggling his eyebrows mischievously. Sawyer shot him a scowl as if to say, _thanks for that buddy. Screw you. _

"What if they were about you?" Angry lost fan demanded. Charlie's face went chalk white as he digested this. He turned to Sawyer, who just started randomly digging.

"What are you doing?" Charlie asked, momentarily distracted.

"Digging a hole." Sawyer replied. "Ain't you heard the saying, _'Diggin yourself a hole'?" _

Charlie frowned. "Yes but I thought that was metaphorical meaning getting yourself into more trouble."

"Well, Chuckles. I'm making your metaphorical saying, literal. Got a problem with that?"

"Touchy. Remind me not to get on your bad side."

"I've got news for you kid. You just did."

Charlie scowled, momentarily defeated. Then he remembered why he was pissed off and he glared at Sawyer again.

"Oh for the love of God!" Sawyer exclaimed in exasperation. "Feel special Chucks! I never have dirty thoughts about guys! Feel special and then move on! Must be the heat or something..."

"It's raining." Charlie pointed out wryly. He rolled his eyes and then walked off, bored by the constant battle of wits it took to have a conversation with Sawyer. Why did he even bother? Because the other choices of buds were either insane, gay or had burning desires to randomly attack people.

"Hey Locke!" He greeted the figure who walked towards him. "How did finding your one fan go?"

"Not good." Locke replied sadly. "I found her. It turned out to be some woman called Betty Letisha Latishe Helen Stella Anastasia Crupeau. But she's blind. And deaf. So, in Des' survey she didn't know what she was doing, so she ticked the first box she could reach." He put his head in his hands and started sobbing. Charlie decided the only sane thing to do, was back away. Slowly.

_**Back to Sawyer.....**_

The more he wore them, the more Sawyer liked being a woman. The clothes were fairly comfortable, although packed in...some places. But there was something playing in his mind. And it was something to do with Charlie.

Hold the phone. They hadn't done anything competitive yet. And it was...what?...three in the afternoon! That was so unlike them! If they didn't think of anything soon, they might just have to resort to a good ol' game of I Never. Maybe, for today, it was best he avoided Charlie. It might get tense, maybe even result in a brawl. He sniggered as he remembered Charlie being attacked by Kate, Claire and Jack. What a good day that was!

"Hey, box man." Des' voice entered the clearing. Sawyer inwardly groaned. Great, it was this Scottish idiot again. Give me strength, he prayed.

"Isn't that your nickname for Captain Hair?" He asked with a smirk. "You need better nicknames, Braveheart." He changed shirts quickly and then turned to face Desmond.

"Aye brotha. But he ain't here. You seen Charlie boy?" Desmond replied, bored.

"Wow. That took you all of 4 seconds for the conversation to get to Charlie." Sawyer mocked. "Why don't you build him a shrine and sacrifice him to your God?" He rolled his eyes and sniggered at the thought. What he didn't expect, was for Desmond to clap his hands in delight, hug Sawyer and to go off skipping to take his advice. Oops. Well, on the bright side, at least it wouldn't be the lost writers who killed Charlie off. That was a feeble excuse for a defense and you know it, he told himself firmly. Would he care if Charlie died, though? He had to admit, yes he would. But why? Was it because they had become good 'friends', if you could call it that, over the past few weeks? Or was it something more?

"AHA!" A triumphant voice broke Sawyer out of his thoughts. He whirled around and saw Ben staring at him!

"Ben Dover! We meet at last!" Ben cackled, rubbing his hands together.

"We saw each other yesterday. And a week before that." Sawyer pointed out, trying to restrain himself from knocking another tree on him.

"I know. I just always wanted to say it." Ben replied with a grin.

"What do you want anyway, Dr. Evil?" Sawyer asked, bored with the conversation already. Nothing seemed to excite him these days, except for the competitions with Charlie. But that was purely down to the fact it was something to do, not because of the hobbit.

"HA! I wish." Ben sighed longingly. "I'd love a mini-me. Anyway, about that lapdance...."

"Oh please don't go on about that!" Sawyer whipped around and looked agonised. "I'm already getting a load from the munchkin and a random Lost freak, I don't need anymore from the so called wizard of Otherland!" Ben waited for his rant to finish, choosing to sit down and read a random magazing,entitled How to be Evil, and waited for him to finish.

"Are you done?" He asked also bored at this point. "Relax bunny boy. I just wanted to say..."

"Hey Sawyer!" A voice interrupted whatever Ben was going to say and, in relief, Sawyer darted off, leaving a very, very, very, very, very, very furious Ben all alone.

_**We go in to see Jack, who is checking out Locke (ooh-er :P) **_

"How's the head Locke?"

"Just fabulous Jack."

"No need for the sarcasm, Locke." Jack muttered darkly, as he pressed a cold flannel to his head. "We need to..."

"Live together, die alone by any chance?" If he wasn't sarcastic before, now Locke was positively dripping in it. "Angry lost fan really didn't get through to you, did he?" Jack scowled, and was sorely attempted to throw a huge fit and throw his entire medical kit at him.

"It's not my fault, you losers forget that motto all the time, so I have to remind you." He muttered. Locke threw back his head and barked out a laugh.

"As if we could forget!" He scoffed. "You remind us every day. Every day, on average, sixty thousand creatures hang themselves, because they are sick of waiting for you to get a new catchphrase. AND DON'T YOU DARE CRY!" He added, when he saw Jack's lower lip starting to tremble. He smirked, as Jack started to pout and then the tears started flowing. He hiccuped and tried to control himself but then ran off wailing.

"Idiot." Locke muttered. "How has he not been eaten by a polar bear yet?"

_**Our heroes, well Sawyer and Charlie, for lack of something better to do, are playing a good ol' game of...I never but, with a twist.**_

"So let me get this right." Charlie said slowly, trying to confirm the new rules Sawyer had set down for I Never. "If you haven't done what the person has suggested, you have to do it? That seems...awful."

"I know." Sawyer grinned. "Maybe I should go first. Y'know to clarify." He added slyly.

Charlie looked wary but also a tad defeated. He knew before Sawyer had even said anything, that it was bound to be dirty. Or something that involved getting beat up again. Why did he agree to this? He was seriously desperate if he wanted to hang out with Sawyer.

"I never killed a man." Sawyer grinned, taking a swig of a drink, to let Charlie know he'd been there and done it. Charlie paled but then remembered something. He took a swig and grinned at Sawyer's stupified look.

"Ethan?" Was all he said, and then nodded as a look of understanding came across Sawyer's face which quickly became a scowl. "My turn!" He beamed. He considered carefully, trying to think of something that Sawyer would never have done, so he could do it.

"I never worshipped myself." Was the first thing he could think of. Sawyer's face was a picture. Torn between amusement and horror, he struggled to find the right words to say, bugger off. But he couldn't. He'd started this game, so he had to finish it. He knelt to the ground and bowed, aware of how foolish he looked.

"Oh Great Charlie. Iworship you, and offer my entire stack of guns for you! Hail, Victorious One." He gabbled, so as to get it over and done with. Charlie grinned.

"I hope you mean that. I could really use the guns." He chuckled, aware that everyone was in full view of Sawyer's behaviour.

"What!? Why?" Sawyer demanded. "What would a hobbit like you need with a stack of guns?"

"For shooting random people who annoy me, like Desmond." Charlie responded. "And, occasionally you." Sawyer scowled, but it was a playful scowl.

"Ok. My turn." He emphasised it dramatically, knowing he would have no mercy on Charlie. "I never, kissed Desmond." He watched in sheer delight as Charlie turned pale, then red, then purple, finally landing on green. It was like watching traffic lights changing colours.

"Go on then, monkey man." He gestured mockingly. "Time to go greet your lover."

"As much as I love that you've evolved me into a man rather than a boy," Charlie replied sarcastically. "I hope you know that you're going down after this."

"Ooh scary." Sawyer laughed. "Watcha gonna do? Make me eat dirt?" He roared with laughter, and Charlie scowled, really, really wanting to hit him with something. He tried to regain some dignity as he stood up and he stormed off to do this laborious task, a hysterical Sawyer in pursuit.

_**We go to Desmond and...his shrine to our rock god...**_

"Which do you think, box man? The picture of him sleeping like a baby? Or the picture of him playing his guitar as the central picture?" Desmond mused.

"I think this is sick. That's what I think." Locke replied sourly. "I feel sorry for Charlie. I might just forewarn him about this, and then you're for it."

"Don't try to put me off, box man." Des warned. "This was Sawyer's suggestion, not mine." Locke stared at him for a moment, completely bewildered by this new information. Then he roared with laughter. Desmone was almost enraged but then he shrugged and went back to work.

"What is the point to the big fire, may I ask?" Locke enquired.

"For sacrificing Charlie to the Gods." Desmond explained. A big splurt of water gasped out of Locke when he took a drink. He choked and spluttered in disbelief, wondering if Desmond had finally lost it. When he realised the Scotsman was serious, he choked and spluttered some more, suddenly becoming incoherent.

"Des?" Charlie's voice echoed into the clearing, and Locke fell silent, fearing for his rock star friend.

"I refuse to be a part of this." He hissed suddenly. "The Island will punish you." And with that, he was gone.

"Hey buddy!" Desmond greeted Charlie enthusiastically, outside the shrine. No point spoiling the surprise. He saw Sawyer and winked subtly at him, provoking a laughing fit from him.

"Look, first off don't get any ideas from this." Charlie began. "Otherwise you're history." And with that he clutched Desmond's face and gave him a massive kiss on the lips and quickly let go. For a moment, Desmond was speechless. He didn't know what you could say or do in a situation like this. Then he beamed, as if all his birthdays had come at once.

"Sawyer..." Charlie whined. "Desmond's getting ideas. Sawyer?"

"Dearly beloved." Sawyer said solemnly. "We are gathered here today...ow! Son of a bitch!" He was cut short by a swift punch to the guts from Charlie.

"What the DEVIL is going on here?" A new, unfamiliar voice entered the clearing. Well, not unfamiliar to everyone. Desmond winced.

"Crap." He whimpered. "Penny." And sure enough, a blonde, very attractive woman came into sight, hands on hips, glaring at Desmond.

"I came on a sodding helicopter, after searching for this island for 3 sodding years," She half shrieked. "Looking for YOU, still in love with YOU. And now you're starting an affair with a little hobbit guy who looks young enough to be your son!"

"Hey!" Charlie protested. "That was uncalled for!" But he quickly shut up, when Penny turned round to glare at him, eyes filled with enough anger to cause a nuclear war. Sawyer hid a snigger, hoping she might attack him and give him something to laugh about later. He gestured to Charlie and both of them slipped away, whilst Penny unleashed hell on Desmond.

"YOU DID WHAT?????!!" Was all they could hear as they gradually started running back to the beach. They hid their laughter until they were out of sight and then they burst into hysterical laughter, clutching their sides and falling to the ground. Poor Desmond. They wouldn't be surprised if his body turned up later, ravaged and torn to pieces.

"Man, Oh man." Sawyer was weeping with laughter. "I hate to say it, but the man deserved it. Hands down, best game of I Never, ever!" Charlie silently agreed, but he was too weak with laughter to speak. What were the odds of Penny turning up, just as Charlie kissed Desmond? Highly unprobable. But then again, nothing on the island was exactly probable anyway.

"Can we play truth or dare? Tis a better game." He eventually managed to splutter. "I've got a good one for truth, anyway."

"Ok, lay it on me hobbit." Sawyer smirked at the last word, silently thanking the Gods for Penny turning up. If he listened carefully, he could hear a faint manly scream, followed by a string of obscenities.

"Ok then. My question is this. Who do you have a crush on?" Charlie demanded. "I've always wanted to know, seeing as though you've literally shown NO interest in Kate in these past few weeks. Skate fans are so disappointed, so at least tell everyone who you like."

"Do I have to say?" Sawyer sulked. "You'll laugh. Or run away. Or vomit."

"Good God, it's not Hurley is it?" Charlie asked, preparing to do all three of those things. Sawyer shook his head violently, as if the mere thought was an insult. "Tell me!"

"Ok." Sawyer breathed in, as if preparing for an exam or torture. "It's...."

"Excuse me guys!" Jack came running in, looking out of breath. "Would you partake in a survey of mine?" Sawyer looked relieved but Jack misinterpreted it as a yes, and shoved a large piece of paper at both of them. All it said was DO I SAY LIVE TOGETHER DIE ALONE TOO MUCH? The two options that followed weren't yes or no, but instead, no or no.

"Where the hell's the yes box?" Sawyer demanded. "This survey's a bit biased isn't it?"

"Why would you need a yes box, Sawyer?" Jack asked sweetly but with a hard edge to his voice. "Everyone who's taken part, has said I don't say it too much. One person even said he didn't remember me saying it at all."

"What did you threaten him with? Taking away the health service you provide?" Sawyer responded, glaring at Jack. "Come on doc, everyone knows the truth. You say the damn line too, OW!" A punch in the arm silenced him.

"What about you Charlie?" Jack turned to the ex-rock star and smiled sweetly again. "You think I don't say it enough, don't you?"

"I refuse to participate. But if you help in finding out who Sawyer likes, I will." Charlie replied with a grin, noticing Sawyer panicking.

"Ok. You have a deal." Jack agreed. He rounded on Sawyer and attempted to look menacing. "Say who you like, or I'll say the damn line, accompanied with some very heavy breathing!"

"NO! OK!! I'll tell, I'll tell." Sawyer near enough yelped. "It's..." He mumbled the name.

"What's that? Can't hear." Jack exaggerated how deaf he was to get the answer.

"IT'S SODDING CHARLIE. OK?" Sawyer yelled. Then he realised his mistake and blushed. Everyone was staring at him. Sayid and Bernard were literally dying with laughter. Kate was shell-shocked and so was Claire. But the most bizarre reaction of them all was Charlie. He had a half-smile on his face and yet his eyes were horrified. Keeling over, he let out a small gasp of air and then collapsed.

"You killed him Sawyer." Jack announced, after trying to find a pulse on Charlie's body. "I hope you're happy now! You've killed Charlie Pace. He's gone!"

"Not yet he's not!" Sawyer countered, crawling to Charlie's body and resuscitating him, first by the kiss of life and then repeatedly pounding on his chest.

"Wow." Jack whispered to himself. "I'm getting a rather weird but wonderful feeling of déjà-vu." No one noticed and he ran off sobbing again, feeling neglected. Sawyer meanwhile, kept pounding on Charlie's chest until the man came to life again.

"What happened?" He moaned, turning over to one side and vomiting.

"Well you fulfilled one of the criteria I said, to reacting to my news." Sawyer said wryly. "I just didn't expect you to die. Is it really that bad I...?"

"Don't say it! My heart can't take it!" Charlie groaned. "Please, if you value my sanity, do not say those words ever again."

Sawyer looked insulted. "Fine. I won't." He pouted and then turned to one side, only to be viciously attacked by Kate.

"You...you...EVIL MONSTER!" She screeched as she pounded on his chest, his face. Basically, anywhere she could get her hands on. Charlie couldn't help but grin at the irony of the situation. After all, it had been just days ago, when he'd been in a similiar situation to Sawyer. To make the situation more familiar, another figure joined the fight. It was Ben.

"DID THAT LAPDANCE NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU???" He bellowed as he attacked the conman. "I guess it was just friggin' me that felt something special between us! The island joined us together BEN!"

"Ben?" Charlie repeated, remembering their dare, weeks ago. "He's James Ford, a.k.a Sawyer." Ben stared at Charlie in disbelief.

"You lied to me!" He half yelled. "He's Ben Dover! Isn't he?" A look of doubt crossed his mind as he stared at Sawyer again. He scratched his head thoughtfully as Charlie explained the truth about Sawyer, what his real name was and why they had lied to him. Honesty was always the best policy.

"So all this time, I've been baking cakes to be delivered to Ben Dover!" Ben looked mortified. "Great! Perfect! I'm such an idiot!"

"Correction, you're a _gullible _idiot!" Charlie offered. Ben scowled at him but didn't say anything more. Kate, by now, had released Sawyer and had stormed off, claiming she was fed up of being good and was considering swapping over to the dark side.

"Ooh come to the dark side!" Ben yelled after her. "We have cookies!"

"Why do I get the feeling that this situation is very, very familiar?" A disorientated Sawyer attempted to sit up but ended up lying back, clutching his sore head. Ben and Charlie just stared at each other, then burst out laughing.

**What happens next? YOU DECIDE!**


	9. Chapter 9 How to Lose A Guy in 5 seconds

**How to lose a guy in 5 seconds...**

**A.n- SQUEEE! OMG you guys rock!! Seriously! YOU LOOOOVE MEEEE! :DD i'm so happy you love the story, and the comments I've received, nearly made me cry with happiness!! I've taken a few ideas on board but thanks to EVERYONE! You are the reason I keep writing this story! **

_**How to lose a guy in 5 seconds-**__ involving a GIANT hug war, Sawyer and Charlie getting a little too close, a very dirty blackmail letter to the LOST writers...and... does a character die? _

"Sawyer! Sawyer!" Charlie shook his friend awake, urgently trying to tell him something.

"Did I ever tell you, how much you irritate me?" His grouchy conman friend muttered darkly, as he stirred.

"Yep. But say it again, 'cause it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever told me!" Charlie responded sarcastically, trying to stifle a grin at his friend's various bruises. He deserved it, yet Charlie felt kind of sorry for him. The feeling passed after about 5 seconds, and he was back to feeling smug again.

"Ok then. You irritate me." An irritated Sawyer woke up properly and winced as he touched his sore head. Kate really was one feisty little madame, he'd have to make a mental note of that. He frowned as he saw the little squirt bouncing up and down like a child, holding a letter in his hands.

"Who's that to? Santa?" He asked, sarcasm dripping off his every word.

"No." Charlie rolled his eyes. "It's a strongly worded, highly demanding piece of BLACKMAIL!" Que the dramatic music. "I wrote it last night."

"Who on Earth are you trying to blackmail?" Sawyer yawned as he rubbed his eyes. "It's not like there's a secret bank on the island, although I wouldn't be surprised if there was to be honest."

"I'm not demanding money!" Charlie squealed indignantly. "We can't all be greedy conmen like you Sawyer. It's to the Lost writers."

"Oh not that crap again!" Sawyer groaned. "Get over it punk! You're gonna die, and that's that." Charlie scowled at him but read him out the letter.

"_Dear Lost writers_, " He began after clearing his throat. _"Remember me? I'm the guy who's gonna beat you dead, unless you save me. Thanks for reading." _He looked at Sawyer, who just looked incredulous.

"That was pathetic! Here give it to me." He demanded, grabbing the letter and pen from Charlie. He thought for a moment, then a truly wicked smile lit up his features as he began to scribble furiously. Enter a swear word here and then, followed by a threat of such indeterminate power it was sure to hit home, and you had yourself a truly evil piece of blackmail.

"Oh my God! _What are you doing_?" Charlie wailed. "You've totally edited it, and you've put a foul word after _every damn word." _

"You gotta break a few eggs, to make an omelette," Sawyer quoted at him, with a grin. "Besides, now they'll have to take you seriously. Otherwise, according to this, you'll burn all their scripts for the next million series, sell off their ideas to create a parody show and then kill off their main character Jack. Come on! You could ask for anything with these threats laid down!"

"I don't know..." Charlie hesitated, biting his lips. "At least mine was coldly polite. What if they kill me off in a more horrible way?"

"They won't!" Sawyer replied. "You just have to mention killing Jack, and you're gold. Poor fools can't live without precious Jack on their show. Kill him, and you kill the whole show."

"What about me?" Charlie protested. "I know at least half a million fangirls would kill themselves or at least sob their way through a million tissues, if I died."

"Sure, sure." Sawyer dismissed impatiently. "Now go on deliver that letter!" He rolled his eyes as Charlie bit his lip and took a teensy step forward. "Do you want me to hold your hand and go with you?" He added sarcastically, secretly getting a thrill out of this idea.

"Yes. But not about the hand holding." Charlie said quickly. Sawyer smirked.

"Touchy. I'm wondering if you're hiding something." He teased, laughing when Charlie blushed. "What would Claire say?"

"What would I say to what?" The sweet, innocent voice of Claire entered their conversation, and both men jumped. Both men blushed at the same time, one with innocent thoughts...the other not so innocent thoughts roamed his brain. Three guesses as to which of the men this was.

"Erm...we were talking about...pizza?" Charlie gabbled. "Yeah! Pizza! And how long since it's been since we had any..."

"You really are adorable when you're trying to lie." Claire shook her fair hair at him and laughed. Then her expression became solemn. "What are you two _really_ talking about? You're not about to start a secret gay affair are you?" Her mouth stiffened as she spoke these words, but her eyes were filled with laughter at the mere thought that her Charlie would betray her like that.

"Hell yeah doll!" Sawyer grinned, looping his arm around Charlie. "It's National Hug Day and I just couldn't keep my hands off Charlie boy here!" Charlie shrugged him off quickly, as if he'd been burned. His eyes were pleading, saying _I do not know this strange man. He's not right upstairs, if ya get my drift. _Claire let out a precious giggle.

"National Hug Day is it?" She asked casually. "What a good idea!" She went over, gave Sawyer a timid hug much to his discomfort and then threw her arms around Charlie and gave him a peck on the cheek and then waltzed off.

"What have you started Sawyer?" Charlie shook his head in disbelief. "You've polluted Claire into thinking it's National Hug Day, and now you've inevitably started a war that will clash friend against friend and will end up with millions of ounces of dignity being lost."

"Ah rubbish!" Sawyer dismissed. "What's the worst that could happen?"

_Three Days Later... _

Everywhere was silent. No one dared breathe, let alone move. They were waiting. Waiting for the sudden movement that would involve someone's arms being wrapped around them. Nikki and Paulo locked their tent and held each other close, shivering with more than just the cold. Sayid and Bernard took to hiding inside Tim's hollow chest, for fear of the dreaded 'hug'. No one moved. It was dead silent.

"HA GOTCHA!" A voice broke the silence, and suddenly there was uproar and chaos. The victim of the assault, Kate, was shell-shocked, lying back and sucking her thumb in fear.

"SHE'S BEEN HUGGED!! GET HELP!" Locke shouted, randomly pulling up grains of sand, and flicking it at people who bugged him. There were the occasional screams of pain as it made contact with someone's eyes but he didn't care. He hadn't been hugged yet, thank God.

"Who hugged her?" Jack was there, glaring at everyone, hands on hips. "Come on 'fess up! If anyone's gonna hug her, it should be ME! 'Cause I'm important and all that jazz..."

"HA IT WAS ME!" A victorious Desmond streaked through the beach. He leaped on Jack and hugged him tight. "Happy National Hug Day, for three days ago!"

"ARGH! I'VE BEEN TOUCHED!" Jack screeched. "I'M IMPURE! HELP MEEEE!"

"Relax Doc. It's not like you've lost your virginity or anything...have you?" Sawyer seemed horrified by the very thought.

"Of course I have, Sir-Steals-Everything-He-Can-Find!" Jack snapped, seeming enraged by this accusation. "I'm not a 40-year-old virgin for God's sakes!"

"You're FORTY? HA! Old man."

"Shut up! I'm not forty. I was just using an allusion, like you do every single day." Jack's defence was weak and he looked close to tears. Again. Everyone sighed as one, as they prepared for the tears that would inevitably come. Nikki, being sneaky, took advantage of this moment to give Hurley a massive big hug. Hurley screeched and fell back in Jin's arms, who misinterpreted this as a hug and ran away.

"Oh thanks!" Sun snapped at Hurley. "Now I'm gonna have to run after him and speak in stupid Korean that it was an accident. EFFORT!" She huffed and then ran off, secretly glad to escape the war zone that was going on.

"Dude. That was messed up." Hurley said, before passing out. Sawyer turned round to Charlie, arms held open wide, and then chased after him as the hobbit started to run.

"AWWW JACK! COME TO PAPA!" Locke sniffled as he gave Jack a big, big, big hug, long overdue. Jack yelped and then ran off, pausing to give Claire a big hug, before continuing with his escape from the madness. Everyone was either laughing with victory, whimpering in fear, or unconscious due to excessive hugging disorder. Or EHD.

_**Deep in the darkest part of the forest, something evil approaches... **_

"I feel like Charlie tonight, Charlie tonight, Charlie tonight!" Desmond cackled, attempting to be evil (but failing dismally). "I shall hug him, then steal him and SACRIFICE HIM!"

"As much fun as that sounds, was it really necessary to tie me up and hang me over this boiling pot of water?" Penny's sour voice cut across his evil rant. "As much as I hate to spoil your fun, but believe it or not this is not comfortable!"

"Ha. You're amusing." Was all Desmond said as he got to work. "You joke _sooo_ well. Just like the time you played with my heart and told me you were going to get married."

"WHAT?" She half shrieked. "That never would've happened if you hadn't been such a coward and broke up with me!"

"There you go again. Delegating blame when it's clearly all your fault." Des half sung to himself. "Don't make me get Angry Lost fan here!" Penny growled. "Angry lost fan?" Silence. "Angry lost fan? Ok, what have you done with Angry Lost fan?"

"I killed him and ate his liver." Desmond replied, staring at her with a grin on his face. Her shocked face made him chuckle. How gullible she was. "No. Just kidding doll, angry lost fan is fine. He's on a slow boat to China."

"Great. I feel so much better now." She muttered darkly, cursing herself for ever trying to find him. He'd clearly lost it.

_**Back to the warzone that is LOST! **_

"I have an idea!" Charlie announced.

"For the first, and last time Chucks." Sawyer interjected, mockingly.

"Shut up a minute. I've just had an epiphany!"

"How many hobbits does it take to think up an idea? One million, each one replacing the other as their heads explode at the sheer energy it takes to think."

"GIVE ME SOME RESPECT!" Charlie bellowed, furious again. He breathed slowly and became calm. "I was thinking about faking my death. Seeing as though the blackmail letter totally failed. Then they can see what LOST really would be like without me!"

"That might actually be fun to do," Sawyer admitted. "How would you like to die? Food poisoning? Drowning? Head decapitated. Actually, scratch that last one. That would be hard to fake."

"HUG TIME!" Jin bellowed as he rugby tackled Charlie to the ground. Then, giggling like a schoolgirl, he ran off, an exasperated Sun following him. She shot Charlie an apologetic look and then ran off again.

"What have you done?" Charlie shook his head in mock sadness. "You've single-handledly destroyed our camp!"

"All in a day's work." Sawyer grinned. "Now back to the matter of killing you..."

**XxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxX **

"Kate's been in a coma for twenty five minutes. I'm a little worried." Ben consulted Jack, who narrowed his eyes as if to say, _why do YOU care? _

"Oh it's the latest script." Ben explained. "I make out with Kate, who joins my people. We get revenge on Sawyer for his betrayal by toasting his feet into blocks of marshmallow and then feed them to my chocolate bunnies."

"That's all well and good," Jack replied. "But why do YOU make-out with Kate? What purpose is there to me if I'm being the good-looking hero and the hot girl doesn't even notice?" He bit his lip and gazed anxiously at her.  
"No offence Jack," Ben began. "But you need a life. So sod off, and get another girl." He swung Kate on his shoulders and then frogmarched her off out of the caves. Jack stared down at the script. Apparently it was his que to cry when Ben left...so he did. (_At this point in time, the author gets bored of his constant tears and lifts him out of the story for a while to calm down, and think about his actions_).

**XxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxX **

"You ready, Chuckles? 'Cause if you mess this up...you're on your own kiddo."

"I wish you wouldn't patronise me. I may be young but I can still kick your ass."

"Now there's something I'd love to see. Keep dreaming kiddo."

They were in a compromising situation at the moment. They had decided to go for something simple but super cool. The story was that Charlie had been escaping from the hug fest when he had stumbled into a trap by Rousseau and had spontaneously combusted. It could easily have happened to anyone. Sawyer had had so much fun fabricating the evidence. He'd created the trap himself, and made it look like it was easy to set off. Then, and this was the fun part, he'd shredded Charlie's clothes and burned them before telling the twerp to put them on again. Next, he'd got the ashes from the fire and smudged them all around Charlie's face and along his arms and legs, shivering at the contact. He stood back, pleased with his work's progress.

"Now take this." He gave Charlie some white pills. "They'll make you appear dead." Charlie gulped them down without hesitation. He gripped Sawyer's hand, in friendly enough contact but Sawyer closed his eyes in shameful pleasure and tried to distract himself by picturing Kate naked. A grin slipped on his face and suddenly, he could concentrate. He saw Charlie's face droop and then his eyes closed as he fell into a coma like state. Which would roughly last about 24 hours, if Sawyer could do maths right.

**XxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxX **

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I HAVE BEEN HUGGED!" Locke wailed. "I'd been so CAREFUL!"

"Yep. Gotcha good, Locke!" Claire grinned at him. He scowled at her. Aaron let out a small but high pitched giggle which everyone echoed in delight.  
"NO! HELP!" Sawyer's panicked voice entered the clearing. He was holding a charcoal body in his hands and Claire's heart skipped a beat as she recognised the soft, hazel hair of the man she loved.

"NOOO! Tell me he's not dead!" She wailed, running towards the two of them.

"I'm sorry missy." Sawyer sniffed. "I found his body, after hearing his yells in the jungle. It must've been Rousseau's trap. I...I couldn't make it in time."

"We should have a group hug, to mourn for this tragic event." Sayid said mournfully. "I know this sounds insensitive but seeing his burned body, makes me want to eat toast."

"Thank God! I thought it was just me!" Hurley sighed in relief. He and Sayid hugged quickly and then composed their faces, so they looked sombre again. The biggest yell of horror came from Desmond. He saw Charlie's body, and Sawyer and Claire's grieved faces and then threw the world's biggest tantrum.

"NOT FAIR!" He wailed. "The Island has it in for me!" Snarling he picked up a handful of sand and flicked it in Locke's direction, thus provoking a sand war between the two men.

"Nice timing, Dumb and Dumber." Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Having a sand war after your bud has died, is _really _caring." Claire was on her knees, sobbing her little heart out, clutching Aaron close to her.

"Someone needs a hug." A random tall guy with bright, blue shoes, appeared. He went around grabbing random Lost members to hug them and then walked off again. (**A.n- Watch this vid here to get the joke .com/watch?v=2FM8WRsHISA ) **

"I like that dude," Desmond looked after him wistfully. "He seems cool..."

"As cool as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it." Sawyer snorted. "I mean did you see his shoes?"

"Can we discuss this later?" Claire snapped. "We have a dead guy here, and no one seems concerned."

"It's post-traumatic stress disorder, we'll mourn later. Our brains are small. We can only take one thing in at a time." Sayid explained. "Ooh a shiny red ball!" He ran off in a completely random direction, much to the bemusement of his fellow castaways. Sawyer put Charlie down carefully and then, pretending to be sad, went off in another direction.

"Poor Charlie." Claire sniffed. "I know in Lost it's written that I'm only supposed to mourn for one episode and then that's IT, but I'm gonna break the rules." She sobbed next to his body. Hurley came down and patted her, every 4 seconds, then 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 etc...

"Hurley?" Claire's muffled voice said through the sand. "Can you stop using the numbers everywhere you go?" Hurley mumbled an apology, then briefly grinned as Sayid returned. With toast. Claire seemed furious by the lack of emotion but couldn't do anything more than sob into the sound.

_A further three days later, _

Charlie wondered how much longer he'd have to lie like this. By now the pill, had completely worn off and his limbs felt numb with lack of blood circulating the body. Nobody had come to visit him in a while and he wondered if he could get up, to see the results of the show without him.

Deciding his limbs needed exercise, he took a deep breath and sat up. He looked around in some confusion and saw that there was no one in sight. He stood up, wincing at the sudden jolt of pain that coursed through his body and began to slowly walk around. The camp was completely deserted. That was odd. He walked a bit further on and then stopped in pure horror. Claire was dead, lying stretched out holding a bottle of pills in her hand. She'd overdosed over his death. He felt a surge of guilt.

"4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42, Hey it's Sarlie. Oops, I meant Charlie." A familiar voice greeted Charlie. To his relief it was Hurley. But he didn't look so good. He had a long beard, which looked like Dumbledore's and he was shaking wildly as if laughing at a hysterical joke, that no one told.

"Dude, what happened?" He gasped.

"When you died," Hurley explained, in between reciting the numbers. "The lost writers came up and told us we had to go on a long hike, to the barracks. But we couldn't be bothered. We told them we hated you dying and told them to eff off. Well...Sawyer did. Then we decided to mourn in our own way. I went mad," He smiled as if remembering a fond memory from years ago. "Claire overdosed on tic tacs. Minty flavour, extra strong. Sayid went in search of that red ball and was eaten by the Sand monster. Jack still hasn't been dumped back in this story, and everyone else went off in random directions." He finished, hiccuping.

"HA! Take that you evil bloodsucking monsters!" Charlie whooped. "Everyone has been utterly miserable without me! The show has fallen apart!"

"Ok, ok. We get your point." A desperate voice echoes from the sky. "If we promise _never _to kill you off, will you let us reverse this madness?"

"Do you remember my other demands?" Charlie asked tauntingly. "If I remember rightly, I believed I also asked for my own spin off show...The Bloody Rock God!"

"Fine." The voice sounded utterly miserable. "ABC is threatening to cancel us anyway, we'll do anything to get it back."

"Then we have a deal!" Charlie agreed.

**XxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxX **

Everything was-almost-back to normal. The author of the story almost forgot about Jack and dumped him in the first DVD box set she could find. Unfortunately she forgot that she had the DVD Titanic next to LOST and now, Jack is probably on a ship doomed to sink, and might possibly die, unless the author can be bothered to rescue him in time. Depends on her mood :D

Sayid is traumatised from his experience with the sand monster and so vows to stay away from sand forever. Unfortunately, that means he's either confined to the hatch, the jungle or the caves. Hurley still recites the numbers from time to time, and Kate has awoken in Ben's arms.

With these strange events, it's no wonder the show is entitled LOST!

Stay tuned for more Sawyer/Charlie events! Hoped you liked this little update :DD Reviews+Me= VERRRY HAPPY!!!


	10. Chapter 10 Unmerry Lost Xmas

**A Very Unmerry Lost Xmas**

**A.N- JSkaterfan pointed out that my story rapidly became so creative that it was no longer just Charlie and Sawyer story in terms of challenges. Thanks for pointing that out. *Smacks self* I didn't actually intend for it to be a story, more drabbles. So consider this piece, in no chronological order to the rest of the story. **

**Oh and I'm thinking about making bloopers/outtakes to this but I need some feedback. What do you think? Might make a poll and see what I get. Enjoy! **

_**A Very Unmerry LOST Xmas- **__involving some very dramatic operations, Sawyer and Charlie trying to be surgeons, a dramatic change in Christmas tradition, awful cooking from Hurley and....a banana. _

"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all was crap

Then, with a big bang, whollop and a great big bap

The great big Hurley with his wild curly hair

Made to go out, but fell through the stairs

Chuckles, known as Charlie the hobbit

Fell down also, but bounced on the flobbit

Did I say flobbit? I meant Hurley of course

Now I'm done insulting, I feel no remorse

Happy Christmas!"

Sawyer finished his poem in a great mood. Charlie and Hurley, were not, especially after his insults. They stood in front of him, arms folded, prepared to beat him to death with the boar that Locke had just caught. He didn't so much as budge, being the stubborn jackass he was. Yes. It was Christmas Eve on the island and there was a rise in depression, because people weren't with their families or the people they loved. Sawyer, being Sawyer, didn't care either way.

"Ok then. I've got my own Christmas Jingle." Charlie announced. "Here it goes;

Jingle Bells, Sawyer smells

Jack and Locke made out

Charlie rules, and Sawyer drools

No matter what he says, HEY!

Jingle Bells, Sawyer dwells

In a smelly cave

I win this, now you must kiss

Either Jack or Dave!"

"That was ingenious!" Hurley whooped, high fiving his bud and laughing at the scowl on Sawyer's face. "I just wanna know who the hell Dave is."

"I don't know. It rhymed with cave, so I used it." Charlie shrugged, also laughing at Sawyer's face. Tasting his own medicine was bitter. So he turned away from the Chuckle brothers. God, he hated Christmas. He was such a Scrooge when it came to the whole Present festival.

"What shall we do today Charlie?" He turned back to the man in question. "Tis the season to be evil fa-la-la etc." Charlie rolled his eyes, still very much in giggles after insulting Sawyer.

"We should do something outrageous! Something we'd never, ever do under normal conditions." He mused. His eyes fell on a very depressed looking Jack and then it struck him. "BINGO!"

"No! I ain't playing that, I ain't no granny!" Sawyer was very indignant. How dare he even suggest that!

"No. I was just saying that to emphasise that I've thought of something." Charlie explained.

"Go on, dwarf. Blow me away."

Ignoring the height jibes, Charlie continued, "We should ask Jack to train us to be doctors! See who can save the most people. It would be fun, causing other people misery at Christmas." Whoa. That didn't sound like him at all. Sawyer leaped to his feet, and clapped Charlie on the back in unsurpressed glee.

"That's the Christmas spirit! I've taught you well." He whooped. "No turning back now Charlie boy!" Then he proceeded to do a victory dance, slamming down a watermelon in a touchdown fashion. "Watch out people, there's two Sawyers about!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!" Locke went screeching past, carrying what looked like Desmond's dead body over his head. In response to their questioning looks he replied, "It's my pet....Bob. Not Desmond's corpse." Then he ran off again.

"I think I need to lie down." Charlie shook his head. "First I'm becoming Sawyer, now I'm seeing dead bodies everywhere."

"What do you mean bod_ies_?" Sawyer asked curiously. "I only saw the one."

"Earlier on, Sayid did that weird leglock thing when he breaks your neck, on that guy."

"What guy?" Sawyer looked even more confused. "Believe it or not Chucks, we're not the only guys here."

Charlie looked puzzled as he tried to think. "That...guy. Oh God this is annoying now. Who's that guy who used to own a farm? The guy whose daughter's neice's husband's mother's aunty was on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? The guy who, after you bet him your entire stash, failed at downing a can of beer in one?"

"Oh! I get it, now. Dave the rave."

"I KNEW I got the name Dave from somewhere." Charlie whooped. "I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!"

"Stop quoting bloody Homer Simpson and let's get on with it." Sawyer begged. "I wanna kill people!" His voice became a whine and even though Charlie knew he was joking, he still shuddered.

_**Later... **_

"What?! You think I'll actually let you two take care of MY patients?" Jack seemed incredulous when they went to ask him. He started laughing at the image of Charlie and Sawyer as doctors. It was a more ludicrous idea than when Sawyer had suggested a panty raid on Juliet's house in Otherville. Yes, you read correctly, a _panty raid. _

"Yes." Charlie replied solemnly. "We want to ease your burden Jack. We want to help you." Jack still seemed unconvinced, so he decided to use the 4 magic words. "Live together, die alone."

"Ok. I'm on board." Jack grinned. "But you two will need serious training. After all, somebody's life is in YOUR hands. And if you mess up, they die, I cry, and everyone dies a little inside. And of course some sadistic reader laughs at my misery."

"That's exactly what we're counting on doc." Sawyer grinned and then dodged as Jack's fist came towards his face. Ah, pissing off Jack. The ultimate American pastime.

"Ok first off all you need basic first aid training." Jack explained. "I've got a kit here." He turned round to fetch his kit, only to be showered in spitballs. "Ok which *BEEP* hole did that?" He bellowed turning round and looking so vicious, that even Sawyer looked afraid.

"I blame today's kids." Charlie butted in. "No discipline at all!"

"Charlie," Jack's voice became dangerous. "By kids, are you trying to tell me you did it?"

Sawyer hooted with laughter, only managing to get out, "Dude, you just got owned! And by Jack of all people!" His laughter was cut off by Jack who rounded on him.  
"Don't do the crime, if you cannot do the time!" Jack snapped. "That goes for both of ya!" He grinned and then added, "Did I sound too mean? Just holler if I did. Wow, being a teacher is awesome."

"Get on with it." Sawyer demanded. "Some of us have bingo to attend to." He shared a grin with Charlie, which was dismissed by Jack who was impatient to train his pupils.

"Right. First things first, if a patient is bleeding you..." Jack offered.

"Eat them." Charlie answered promptly, provoking a snigger from Sawyer. Jack rolled his eyes, trying not to get angry. He turned to Sawyer who was in fits of laughter.

"And you're fabulous answer is...?"

"If a patient is bleeding, you slice and dice them." Sawyer answered, looking perfectly serious.

"Ok next question." Jack moved on, looking furious. If these two were going to treat it like a joke...there was pretty much nothing he could do about it. "The answer was, by the way, get a plaster or a bandage. But maybe that was too complicated for you. Next question. What do you call this?" He held up a thermometer, praying they'd give him a sensible answer.

"A banana." Was Charlie's answer.

"A thumb measurer." Was Sawyer's. Jack felt like whacking them over the head with his VIS. But he couldn't be bothered to get it out.

"It's a thermometer, you dolts. God, I should just bring out my VIS and kill you both." He replied in frustration. Sawyer and Charlie looked confused.

"What the hell's a VIS and why haven't I got one?" Sawyer asked.

"VIS is a **V**ery **I**mportant **S**tick. And you haven't got one, because...I hate you." Jack replied, not really meaning the last part. "Ok, what does CPR stand for?"

"Can't Pee Right." Charlie replied, stifling a laugh at Sawyer who had gone beserk with laughter.

"Charlie Paints Roses." Was Sawyer's eventual response. By now Jack had gone quiet with rage. But, it was with quiet resignation that he realised he wasn't going to get anything serious out of any of them two.

"Congratulations. You're now doctors." Was all he said before walking off. They thought they caught a sob as he left, but it could just have been the wind.

"YES we're doctors!" Sawyer whooped gleefully. "In just 3 minutes!"

"_Charlie Paints Roses?" _Charlie repeated in between laughter.

"_Can't Pee Right?" _Sawyer repeated, equally amused. Then, simultaneouly, they burst into another fit of hysterics.

"Excuse me?" A small, grey haired man came wandering to the caves and saw Charlie and Sawyer laughing. "Is Jack in?"

"As of now, Jack is retired." Sawyer announced. "He was sick of you all, so has gone to play golf forever. We are now Doctor Sawyer and Doctor Charlie." Charlie almost was in hysterics at the lies that Sawyer was coming up with.

"Oh, ok." The man looked nervous and to be honest, who could blame him?

"What's up Rolf?" Charlie asked, at least pretending he was concerned.

"I have...um a bad heart." Rolf confessed, clutching his chest as if offering proof. "I don't know what's wrong."

"Sawyer, stethoscope please." Charlie announced, clicking his fingers for attention.

"Geez, you act like you've been doing this for years. Jackass." Sawyer muttered mutinously. "Next one's mine."

"Fine. Just get it me please!" Charlie yelled. "The man is DYING here and you're just arsing about!"

"I'm dying?" Rolf looked panicked. "What should I do? What's wrong? Why am I DYING?"

"No it's fine." Charlie tried to reassure him. "We just need to fix your heart."

"What?! Here in the damn jungle?!" Rolf was even more horrified.

"Yep. My assistant Nurse Sawyer, will assist me in the operation."

"WHAT? NURSE?" Sawyer was comically horrified. "Ooooooh. You're going down Midget Man!!"

Charlie proceeded to look at this watch. "Well, it's ten o'clock and you've already insulted me ten times. That's got to be some sort of record, even for you."

"Excuse me but I'm DYING here, and you two are just talking! Help!" Rolf squeaked. Charlie went to Jack's kit and pulled out a pair of gloves.

"Sawyer. Knock the patient out." He commanded, trying to be as calm and collective as Jack when really, he was a bag of nerves. Sawyer clicked his fingers with a wide smile, and pulled out of his stash....a banana.

"Hold still, as this may hurt a little." He told Rolf, advancing on him with the banana. Then, with a series of gasps, shrieks and a lot of banging Rolf was unconscious. Charlie just looked incredulous.

"Who'd have thought it? Bananas can be weapons." He shook his head, making a mental note to never underestimate bananas again. He then lifted Rolf onto the surgery table, preparing to start the surgery. God, how did Jack manage to stay so calm? He felt like he was about to vomit.

"Jack...." A familiar voice could be heard and Charlie recognised Kate's voice at once. He turned to Sawyer with a panicked look, hissing, "Distract her!"

"Righto." Sawyer waltzed off at once.

"Ok Rolf. I'm going to fix you." Charlie muttered, laughing as he realised he'd just quoted Jack perfectly. Must be the gloves or something....

_**Now we are about to see Sawyer's [cough, pathetic, cough] attempt to distract Kate.**_

"Kate!" Sawyer practically sang as he jumped in front of the brunette.

"Ok, Sawyer what gives?" She narrowed her eyes. "If you're attempting to distract me, because you've tortured Jack or murdered him, it's failing."

"How dare you even suggest that!" Sawyer said teasingly. "Do I look like I'd ever do that?"

"Hmmm...lemme think. Yes!"

"I'm hurt freckles, hurt!"

"Wow. That took you all of 4 seconds to reach my favourite nickname in the whole world!" Kate became very sarcastic as she spoke to Sawyer, folding her arms and appraising him coldly. "Where's Jack?"

"Why do you need him? Leave your name and number and your purpose for contacting him and I'll tell you." Sawyer asked.

"What are you? His female secretary?" Kate laughed. "Honestly Sawyer, you couldn't be less subtle than if you placed a huge neon sign here, saying THIS IS A DISTRACTION!" She shook her head and tried to make her way past him. That's when the banana came out again.

"Stop! Place your hands up in the air!" He started waving it around, like he was fencing. Kate was unimpressed.

"It's a banana, Sawyer. Not a weapon." She rolled her eyes. Then all she saw was yellow before the banana cut her down. Sawyer looked horrified. Had he just killed Kate? Oh my God! Ok, Christmas Eve was off to a _great _start. Looking around to see if anyone had witnessed this, he hoisted her over his shoulders and rushed off to the caves.

_**We now go over to our favourite [???!!] duo! **_

"Box man, why did you kill me?" Desmond's ghost hovered around Locke in the hatch. "I'm very distressed by that."

"You were a threat to the Island. I could see it coming." Locke replied. "I do not regret it all."

"Well, in that case tonight you'll be haunted by three spirits!" Desmond's ghost announced. "Unless you give my corpse the kiss of life!" Locke looked at him in disgust as if to say, _Even dead you're still sick! _

"Bring on these ghosts! I'm not scared." He replied. "What's the worst that could happen?"

Desmond smiled menacingly, secret delighted with his chance to be evil for a day. That was The Dream. He was about to deliver Locke, a very unmerry Christmas present.

"Ah. The first one has arrived." He announced. "Farewell!" He disappeared through the wall of the hatch and once he'd left, chaos ensued. The numbers on the hatch wall went crazy, going red to green to violet finally landing on blue. Locke began to think being mean to Desmond was a huge mistake, but he wasn't going to admit that.

"John Locke! John Locke!" A strangely familiar but eerie voice echoed around the hatch. Terrifed, Locke sat up clutching his hands into fists, prepared to use them. A bright light almost blinded him as the ghostly figure of...Charlie came in.

"Charlie?" He asked curiously. "You're alive. Why are you here?"

Charlie's face was covered in scars and bruises like he'd been beaten up and his fringe flopped down on to his head, almost like he'd been underwater.

"I know this seems a little out of order John, " He began, his voice strangely calm for being a ghost. "But I am the ghost of the future. This is what I'll look like soon."

"What? Why?" Locke asked, looking nauseated at Charlie's appearance.

"I am, for now, alive." Charlie continued, looking dreamily off in to the distance, seeing something that Locke couldn't. "But in less than a few months, there'll be an opportunity for me to be a hero. And it will involve me dying."

"WHAT??!" Locke demanded. "You can't die! It would be like...like...like killing a puppy! No one could ever do that! It's just mean, it's sacrificial, it's HORRIBLE!" Charlie's ghost now looked like he was going to cry.  
"I know John. But it's my destiny. You believe in destiny don't you? Well, look at what your precious beliefs are doing to me."

"WHAT?" Locke wailed. "Don't blame this on me! DESMOND GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE NOWWWW!"

Charlie's ghost was immediately replaced with Desmond's who was grinning.

"Are you seriously telling me, Charlie will die soon?" Locke demanded, looking horrified. "He's just a kid!"

"So's the next ghost, who's about to come along." Desmond replied. "At least Charlie dies a hero, unlike this kid, who you MURDERED!" He disappeared again, this time to be replaced by the ghost of Boone.

"Hey John." He murmured softly, his face looking exactly the way it did when he died. Locke whimpered. "Good to see you again. I'm the ghost of the present."

"Why? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" Locke screeched at the ceiling.

"Locke, I bring you good tidings." Boone reassured him. "It wasn't you that killed me! See, when I was up in the beechcraft I had eaten, well one of Hurley's homemade pork sandwiches...and I...well things got gassy up there. THAT was what tipped up the plane."

"So...Hurley killed you. Is that what you're saying?" Locke asked him, not daring to get his hopes up. "I'm not to blame?"

"Well...no." Boone admitted. "Which is a shame because I was hoping to see you in Hell." Locke frowned, trying to figure out why Boone of all people was in hell.

"Why...?" He asked, not quite being able to finish his sentence.

"Was I in Hell?" Boone finished the question. "Because I believed in destiny. Destiny punished me because I listened to you. So effectively, it's kind of your fault as well." He grinned at Locke wryly, who started wailing again. Boone disappeared and then Desmond re-appeared again, observing Locke with a small, smug grin.

"I can stop these visions if you want. But there's one more person who's _dying _to see you. No pun intended." He offered. Curiosity and the desire to stop this madness, threatened to tear Locke in two. In the end, curiosity won and he nodded in grim resignation. As soon as he did the whole room went dark. Thunder and lightning boomed around the room as the next person entered in a cloud of smoke.

"John Locke." The voice of his father became too much for Locke, who collapsed.

_**Back to our amateur surgeons-in-training... **_

"I can't believe it." Charlie had said that over and over again in awe. "I SAVED HIS GODDMAN LIFE!" In a shocking twist, he had managed to fix Rolf's heart. The only bad news was that he had slightly damaged the man's spine, so now he walked like a hunchback.

"Yeah. But now, Quasimodo there is crippled. Good going Doc!" Sawyer retorted.

"Excuse me, but at least I didn't kill someone with a banana." Charlie snapped. "I have more control over my weapon." He saw a glint of humour in Sawyer's eyes, and knew he'd made a sexual innuendo over it. He groaned and then rolled his eyes.

"I didn't mean to kill her!" Sawyer exclaimed. "I did bring her back to life though!"

"Yeah, only for her to choke to death because you took the kissing thing too far." Charlie replied, rolling his eyes again. "Honestly Sawyer, surgery is not a sexual game."

"Ok, ok. Fine." Sawyer scowled. "Next patient is mine though."

"Ok, I feel sorry for the next person who comes in though."

It ended up being Locke, who stumbled in looking green as grass, holding his head and mumbling about ghosts.

"Dear Lord! This man is hallucinating!" Sawyer proclaimed. "He needs a brain surgery."

"Not again." Locke mumbled. "Too much...sugar. Carrots are stalking me." Charlie raised an eyebrow at Sawyer who stifled a laugh.

"Ok Sawyer. This one's all yours. Remember though. I'm winning." Charlie grinned as he went off to the beach to talk to Claire. "Good luck."

"Ok fine, bunny boy." Sawyer muttered. "You're going down." He didn't have a clue as to what he was doing, but he had to improvise somehow. He used the banana to knock Locke out and then he decided he had to operate on the brain.

"Now...what would Jack Shepherd do?" He asked, silently cursing himself for trying to accomplish an impossible task. He gazed at his pathetic excuse of a doctor's kit, which contained playdough, a plastic knife, safety scissors and some lipstick. He was panicking now, not actually wanting to kill anyone.

"Whoa! We got another case over here!" Charlie was back, this time with a green Sayid. "It's Hurley's cooking. He's got food poisoning."

"I'm kinda busy here!" Sawyer snapped, reaching for the plastic knife.

"Ok, well I'm gonna give him some pills. How about these?" Charlie suggested, grabbing some random tablets from Jack's bag.

"Now to make the incision..."

"Right take these and you'll be all better..."

"Where do I make the incision?"

"What are the side affects of these?"

Simultaneously, Charlie and Sawyer face each other and cried, "HELP! I'm not a surgeon, get me out of here!" Then they ran off, leaving a disorientated Locke and a nauseated Sayid alone. Jack emerged out of the trees, with the world's biggest smug grin on his face.

"Thanks guys." He said. Locke and Sayid woke up and then Rolf re-emerged, walking up straight. Everyone started laughing as they realised they had actually accomplished a fully successful prank.

"I can't believe they actually tried to do the operation! And they didn't even suspect Rolf was a robot!" Jack giggled. "The fools! As if I'd actually let them perform operations without a Ph.D."

"It's all down to Desmond, with my case." Locke grinned. Desmond emerged and started laughing, holding up various photos of the panicky expressions on Charlie and Sawyer's faces. "Now, everyone here's the big important question....shall we put these on facebook? Or Myspace?"


	11. Chapter 11 Hug Me Brother!

_**HUG ME BROTHER!!! (Or sister) **_

**A.n- Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far! You are the BEST! I love all reviews, short and long!! :DD you guys make my day, hope you know that! Soz for the delay in updating! Ive been concentrating on school work a lot, as Sixth Form is kind of a big deal :P**

**Disclaimer- Do not own **_**any**_** of the characters that may appear in this story. Not saying anymore otherwise it'll spoil it for ya XD **

_**Hug me brother (or sister)- **__Featuring some very awkward pairings, Locke's new movie, some VERY unexpected characters turn up, and a very weird Jack triangle emerges._

"I just had a thought!" Charlie announced, looking triumphantly around as if expecting everyone to crowd around him at once. Sawyer rolled his eyes, but a sly look emerged on his face, as an insult flew to the tip of his tongue, as naturally as it was to breathe.  
"Well, there's a first time for everything, chump." He said condescendingly, grinning triumphantly. Charlie, needless to say, wasn't amused.

"You lily-livered crony!" Was his response, as he pointed a long, bony finger towards a surprised Sawyer. "Down to the depths with you! Respect me or lose your soul to Davy Jones, savvy?" Sawyer immediately rolled his eyes again, aware that the recent arrival of a DVD called _Pirates of the Caribbean _had heavily influenced a lot of people. For example, Locke was off on a solo voyage across the sea, in a badly built raft, claiming it was his 'destiny' to sail the seven seas. It was looking very unlikely that anyone would ever see him again. Even quiet Sun had been affected, once caught red-handed by Sawyer holding two bottles of rum from the hatch and trying to sing the pirates song.

"Ok, easy there Cap'n Sparrow!" The Southerner drawled. "I'll behave. What is this ingenious thought that has crossed your poor, neglected mind?"

"We should have a hugging contest!" Charlie cried triumphantly, brandishing a stick around fiercely, scaring a couple of innocent birds away from the sand. "You know, convince people we love them in a brotherly and sisterly fashion, and then hug them!"

"Hug?" Sawyer looked blank, as if he had never come across that word before. "Hug? Where did you get this idea of lovey dovey mush from? 'Cause I sure as hell don't remember loads of hugging scenes in your pirate film."

"Jack found _Love Actually _in amongst the old records."

"Ah. That explains _so _much." Sawyer grinned, and Charlie rolled his eyes at his friend's immaturity.

"Don't you dare make a reference to my sexuality. I'm perfectly straight thank you very much!"

"Ok then squirt, answer this question. If you're as straight as you say you are, how come you keep bugging _me_, rather than hanging out with Missy Claire?" Sawyer demanded, a triumphant look emerging on his features when he realised Charlie had no true answer. About a minute and a half of babbling, incoherent squeaks and small, insignificant protests followed, before the younger man fell quiet.

"As I suspected. I may be irresistible, but damn it Charlie, I just don't feel the same way about guys that you do." Sawyer couldn't resist one more jibe before a death glare was sent his way.

"Let's spread the love! I bet I can convince more people to hug me than you can!" Charlie used the magic words, the words he knew Sawyer wouldn't be able to resist.

"Ok fine." Sawyer caved in, begrudgingly. "But two rules. Neither of us are allowed to hug Hurley, 'cause he's too easy to hug. Plus, when you hug him it feels more like you're getting digested alive...OW!" He cursed as Charlie whacked his arm, and immediately shut up about Hurley's weight. "Secondly, the first to receive ten hugs before the other gets to publically humiliate the loser." He already had plans for Charlie's humiliation of course. What kind of conman would he be if he didn't remain one step ahead of his target?

"Deal." Charlie readily agreed, rubbing his hands together in delight. He had a great idea for Sawyer's humiliation too, and he cackled evilly. "Da man is going down!" He exclaimed, taking up his stick again and thrusting it so he appeared to be fencing. Sawyer sighed, wondering if he should tell Charlie that he was standing right next to him, but decided it was futile.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&**

_**Somewhere far at sea...**_

Locke was enjoying his life of piracy so far. Though he had not come across a vessel to pillage and plunder, he had caught a huge big fish for his supper. And he felt more at home on the sea, than he had on the island. The rippling water was a shiny, metallic blue for a change, rather than dark and murky as he'd come to expect.  
'Ho, ho, ho!" He chortled, then frowned. That didn't sound right, what was he, a pirate version of Santa? The song was catchy, but he couldn't remember the lyrics. It was something like '_drink up me hearties...ho ho_?' No that wasn't right. He sighed, and took a long, last gulp of rum before the bottle was gone. A...HA! Time to use the line. _THE _line!

'Why is the rum always gone?" Locke asked mournfully, staring at the bottle before cracking up with laughter at his own brilliance. Truly, he was an evil genius! And with no writers or POTC fans to claim copyright to the quote, he was invincible! Cue the evil laugh.

"I reckon," Locke mused. "I should get my own spin-off show, or star in a movie! Something cool and amazing! It's gotta have a catchy title. _Locke of the Caribbean_? Nah, too conventional. _Locke Actually? _Too soppy. _Locke of the Rings? _Hmm, catchy title but that druggie Charlie Pace was in it, I'd look like a copycat." He scowled, suddenly in a bad mood. He tried out several titles in his head and this is what he came up with, none of them original, none of them inspired his creativity.

_Twilocke_

_Lockarama _

_The Lockesons _

_Locke & Grace _

_Locke's Friends _

No. He was a loser, a loser who FAILED at coming up with cool movie or TV show titles. It was times like these, when he realised he missed his partner Desmond. And when he meant partner, it wasn't anything sexual, although Locke knew that if Sawyer had been here, he would've made all sorts of homosexual jokes and would've had a ball coming up with nicknames for the older man.  
"HA! I've got it!" Locke crowed with triumph. "Onward! To Hollywood, I shall go! For today, a new film has been born! It is called..._Lockiana Jones!" _He punched the air in triumph, then began to cry as he realised his ship, if you could even call it a ship, was sinking. With a mock salute, Locke pretended to remove an invisible hat as he said goodbye to the world. As soon as the 'ship' had sunk, he re-emerged, gasping and spluttering and realised he should've remembered to bring a rubber ring for physical support. Oops.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Charlie was up first. He decided to use his charm, his wit and his loving smile to win a hug from the easiest target in camp. Claire. She was rocking Aaron back and forth, crooning at him and singing softly. He almost forgot why he was approaching her, as he spotted her shiny pink lips, her lovely, alluring eyes and her gorgeous, dazzling smile. _Focus Charlie, focus _he told himself severely.

"Hey Claire." He put on a cheerful voice as he went inside her tent, and she smiled at him so beautifully, his heart skipped about a million beats.

"Morning you," She was also cheerful. "Wanna hold Aaron?" Charlie smiled but shook his head, pointing at the little tyke who was fast asleep. She giggled softly and pressed a finger to her lips as she lowered the infant into his cradle. Then she rose back up and faced Charlie, each of then becoming quite shy. Their relationship was a weird one, sometimes progressing, other times refusing to advance any further.

"How was your morning?" Charlie decided small talk might be a good direction to lead her in, then he would swoop in and demand a hug. In a loving way of course. Gentle and tender were his middle names. Well, they weren't but it was a figure of speech. He had no idea why he was internally battling over what defined a piece of figurative language, but it was time to stop.  
"It was good thanks." Claire replied, her eyes assessing Charlie carefully, and then she sighed. "What has Sawyer asked you to do now?" Damn. She knew him too well, and judging by her tiny smirk, he had to tell the truth.  
"We're sort of doing a hugging competition." He confessed, hanging his head in what he hoped appeared to be shame but what he was really doing, was reeling her in. "I didn't think it was ethically right, forcing strangers to hug us for competition..."

"Ok, stop the crap that's spouting out of your mouth Charlie." Claire interrupted, her eyes alight with wicked humour. "If you want me to hug you, don't make small talk. It drives me insane when you ask me something and you don't really mean it." She moved towards him, her body slim and curved like an hourglass. She kissed his cheek, causing him to blush. Then she wrapped her arms around him and held him for about 30 seconds, before letting go. Charlie smiled dazedly, and then smirked at Sawyer, who had turned away in disgust at the romantic moment he had just witnessed. As soon as Sawyer looked away, Claire lifted back her hand and slapped Charlie hard.

"Ow!" Charlie yelped. "What the hell was that for?"

"For dragging me into your childish games!" She hissed, smirking as she saw his other cheek redden. She didn't mean to slap him that hard, but her hand was stiff after cradling Aaron and she needed to exercise it somehow.

"SHIP!" Jin's excited voice roused everyone and there was a sudden rush to get to the shore. Because of the stampede, several people fell over and immediately dissolved into the sand, never to be seen again. Jack's out of breath voice tried to take charge, but failed dismally as Sawyer's loud voice started singing, _You All Everybody, _much to Charlie's intense embarrassment. He cringed as his friend started strumming an invisible guitar and for a moment, everyone's attention was diverted.

"Ship?" Jin tried again, and only a drunk Sun would listen to him. Sawyer started to breakdance, fuelled by his attempts to receive hugs.

"HUG ME BROOOOOTHER!" Sawyer approached Jack, arms wide open. The surgeon didn't know what to do, and he stared at Kate as they shared a fearful look. _Had he gone mad with the heat? _Jack decided, in a situation like this, it was best to comply with Sawyer's desire. He tentatively walked towards the Southern man and symmetrically opened his arms too and the two men embraced.  
"Dudes. Am I seeing things?" Hurley's question was on everybody's minds. Until the ship caught their attention again. It was colossal, completely black with black sails that were in badly need of reparation.

"Oh my god." Charlie gasped, fanning himself desperately. "IT'S THE BLACK PEARL!"

"Gee, you think?!" Sawyer's sarcastic voice cut across the younger, ex-rock star. Charlie blushed and tried to resist the urge to hit him.

"Wow. That's weird." Jack observed. "Days ago, the DVD of this movie was found washed ashore, and now the actual ship from that film has appeared. Do you think the writer of this fanfiction has deliberately coincidedly included these two events?"

At which point, every single exasperated castaway shared a look with each other as if to say, _is this guy for real? _Then, as one they turned to face the doctor, they yelled as one, "YOU THINK?!"

Jack's face scrunched up in a very familiar face, then he sniffed. "I'm not going to cry this time. I'm NOT going to cry!"

"KATE LIKES SAWYER BETTER!" An angry voice from the crowd shouted, most likely from Sawyer himself. Jack's face buckled and he began to sob into his hands, causing some people to mutter mutinously, mostly about his leadership skills and his inability to hold back his emotions. Some people even began to suspect Jack might've been secretly a woman, suffering wild mood swings and what could only be described as Pre-Menstrual Tension.

"Jin?" Charlie murmured, whilst everyone else was pre-occupied. The Korean man turned to Charlie, smiling at his friend. "Do you know what a hug is?"

"A...hug?" Jin looked nervous. "Is...it...bad?"

"No, no." Charlie assured him. "It's very lucky. A hug is a special...erm...ritual, and if you do it rescue will come!" Jin looked dubiously at him, but Charlie's charming smile wasn't there just for show. The Korean man glanced at his drunk wife, who was muttering something about vampires that sparkled, and he nodded.

"How do...we...hug?" He asked slowly. Charlie opened his arms, shot an open-mouthed Sawyer a quick smirk, and then he walked towards Jin. The two men hugged, and Jin beamed.

"I like this...hugging." He remarked. "Can we do it...a lot?" Charlie was aware of the double meaning in there, and he turned scarlet as he repressed laughter, but he nodded and choked out, "Sure. If ya like!"

**At this point in the story, my loyal readers, who were drinking at the time, spluttered liquid over their computer screens, as they squint at the screen. They'd heard of Jawyer, but Chin? Jarlie? It was just ridiculous. It was even reported, 59 percent of them were scouring Lostpedia desperately for some kind of sign that this happens in the show. **

**Let me assure you dear readers, this doesn't happen...**

Sawyer scowled. That no good hobbit was too sneaky for his own good. The good name of Sawyer a.k.a James Ford was being dragged through the mud. Then his frown, turned upside down. He would take advantage of the new arrivals, putting his hugging frenzy down to happiness at being rescued. A perfect excuse.

The ship, gracefully as a swan, came to a stop along the beach. Everyone held their breath, waiting for the arrivals to...well arrive. The first man to arrive, everyone instantly recognised as Jack Sparrow. At once, a screaming Charlie did an excellent impression of a fangirl by swooning. Claire frowned at him, making a mental note to slap his other cheek later.

"Excuse me!" Jack Sparrow went up to Kate, then staggered back, most likely because he was drunk. "Elizabeth? Mr Gibbs? HIDE THE BLOODY RUM!"

"I'm behind you, you pompous Jackass." An exasperated female voice came into hearing, and a stunningly pretty, though dirty in appearance, woman emerged clasping a sword in her hand. "No need to hide the rum, you've drank it all!"  
"Really?" Jack Sparrow was surprised. "Bugger. Why is the rum always gone?" He muttered mutinously. A cluster of other pirates also stumbled ashore. Some of them looked confusedly at the other castaways, but the majority were either too drunk or exhausted to notice anything.  
"This don't look like Tortuga!" Someone muttered. "Your compass is stupid, Jack!"

"I don't have a compass." Jack Shepherd muttered at the same time that the other Jack cried;

"It never lies, you complete and utter fish head!" The two of them stared at each other in astonishment.

"Whoa. Now this is what you'd call dramatic irony." Hurley muttered to Eko, who was gazing disapprovingly ahead with arms folded. "Whatever that is."

"You're name is Jack?" Jack Sparrow enquired to the other Jack, who looked murderously angry. He nodded curtly and the two men glared at each other. "So, you admit you stole the name?"

"Why would I steal your sodding name?" The doctor spat. "I bet I'm older than you, hence YOU stole it from ME?"

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not! Did not! Did not!"

"Did too! Did too! Did too"

"HUG ME BROOOOTHER!" Charlie yelped, beating Sawyer to the clock and leaping in Jack Sparrow's arms. The pirate looked bemused, then smiled as Charlie whispered something in his ear.  
"You little...muffin thing." Jack Sparrow hugged Charlie, much to Sawyer's sourness. "Now where's the rum you promised me?"

"Follow me!" Charlie grabbed his hero's hand and dragged him through the jungle, aware that death stares were being directed at him.

**&&&&&&&&&&&**

"We at ABC are proud to announce a new spin-off from LOST in the form of a movie!" A random writer guy announced. "It stars the most gorgeous guy on TV!" _Pur-lease the guy doesn't even have HAIR, _were his real thoughts. "John Locke stars in...Lockiana Jones and the Secret of the Lost Island!"

"YAY!" All the random Locke fans were gathered for the screen preview, excited at seeing Hollywood's newest hunk (**Author chokes to death at that statement) **on the big screen. "WE WANT LOCKE! NOT JACK! WE WANT LOCKE! NOT JACK!"

"I told them to say that!" Locke was proud of himself. He had escaped the island, unbeknownst to everyone else, and now he was a Hollywood star. His director, whose name Locke had failed to learn, frowned as he read Locke's profile. He stared at the man in front of him, and tried to word the next sentence carefully.  
"We have to cancel the movie John."

Locke blinked a couple of times. "What did you say?" He asked politely, afraid to let his brain comprehend what he'd just heard.

"The movie is cancelled." The director turned away. "You failed to mention you already had a legally binding contract with ABC's biggest show! You're meant to be filming NOW! The ABC producers are very upset with you."

"I escaped though! Viewers ratings went up 99 percent when I left...oh." Locke suddenly realised why his movie was so popular. Everyone was just glad to see he was off LOST. What a cruel world he'd lived in. One minute of fame was all he had. ONE MINUTE! Oh well, at least he could content himself with the knowledge that he'd had more fame than Jack would ever have.

"No one cancels John Locke." He muttered, silently vowing revenge. Now that his movie was cancelled and he had nothing left to live for anymore, it looked like he either had to hop back to the island and be utterly humiliated at his epic failure or go back and work in the box factory which had ruined him in the first place. Not much of a choice really was it? Of course he could find some out-of-work actor business, but what kind of life was that? No one would want a Hollywood reject after all.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"So let me get this straight." Jack Sparrow said slowly. "Me and my men, and Elizabeth land on a Godforsaken piece of land _yet again, _only this time there are a weird bunch of loons claiming this is a freaky island with mystical powers...and polar bears? Have I been drinking too much or something?"

"No. We are telling the truth." The other Jack interrupted, exasperated. "We're not loons. Although, I can't say the same for some people." He shot a nasty look towards Sawyer. "What I really want to know is, are there anymore people called Jack aboard your ship, 'cause I'm sick of you claiming credit for my name. If I wasn't so very, very angry I would cry!"

"Is he always like this?" Jack Sparrow muttered to Charlie, who nodded fervently, provoking a snigger from Sawyer.

"JACK! Where be ya Jack, you little monkey?" A loud, boisterous voice called. Charlie knew it was Barbossa immediately and it was comical to see both Jacks look towards the entrance of the hatch, as the other pirate stumbled in.

"You called?" The two Jacks said, and Barbossa stared at the present company, his eyes bulging at the variety of people there who weren't pirates. A small, furry monkey landed on Barbossa's broad shoulder much to everyone's surprise. Without hesitation, Sawyer went up and hugged the man and the monkey.  
"YES! SAWYER RULES! BRING IT ON BITCH!" He hollered in triumph, and Charlie rolled his eyes. His frustrated expression turned to a smirk as Barbossa flipped the conman onto his back with one smooth move.

"Ah there ya be Jack." Barbossa remarked, glancing at the monkey fondly. Jack Shepherd was outraged.

"Now wait just a darn polar bear hunting moment!" He demanded. "I know I'm lovable and adorable like a monkey, but there's NO NEED to refer to me as a monkey! I have some dignity you know!" And, predictably, he tripped over his own feet.  
"The _monkey's name _be Jack, you pale fool." Barbossa retorted.

"NO!" Jack hissed. "I REFUSE to deal with the fact that a pirate scumbag and a monkey share my name! I'm leaving the island and NEVER coming back." It was an empty threat to try and see who cared about him, but as soon as he left, there was a loud chorus of cheers and the sound of champagne bottles popping. He started sobbing. Again.

"I'm sorry, but is he gay?" Elizabeth blurted out. "I mean what kind of guy cries like that for heaven's sake?"

"_I_ think it's cool that he can cry." Kate shot back, her eyes glinting dangerously. "It shows he's sensitive."

"Yeah, but there's sensitive and then there's just gay." Elizabeth replied, her eyes cold and appraising.

"What's the bet that those two end up scrapping?" Charlie muttered to Sawyer. Sawyer had an oddly happy expression on his face, slightly delusional perhaps, making the rock god wonder if he should go back and fetch Jack.

"How about a nice hug, you two?" Sawyer confidently strutted into the centre of the room. Kate and Elizabeth, literally only inches apart turned to stare at him. He smiled charmingly and turned to Elizabeth, ignoring Kate much to her fury.

"Now you look like you could do with a nice hug!" His flirting and subtlety needed work, Charlie thought. A 12 foot neon sign saying THIS IS A SUBTLE SIGN, was more subtle than Sawyer. He decided to disappear and not watch the embarrassing display that was sure to follow after the con man's outrageous flirting.

"Who the HELL are you?" Elizabeth demanded. Sawyer stopped in his tracks, feeling somewhat confused that his flirting was failing. Kate hid a smug smile, and everyone else fell silent, knowing that Sawyer's egotistical visions of women and the reality of the world he lived in were about to clash dramatically.

"I'm Sawyer. Have you not heard of me?" He replied, looking questioningly at her.

"No." Elizabeth's tone and manner were ice cold. "And I'm married, courtesy of Barbossa. So don't try anything pal!" She jabbed a finger at Sawyer's chest and the man looked shocked. Never before had his flirting techniques failed before. He rubbed his head in confusion and realised his entire perception of reality may be slightly different than he imagined.

"Can't blame a guy for trying." He protested, not failing to miss a familiar snigger from outside the room. Elizabeth stared at him murderously, before stomping out of the room in a huff. Sawyer scowled then turned to Kate.

"You'll hug me, won't ya Freckles?" He asked, opening his arms wide and putting on a cute puppy expression. Kate's cool look was instantly replaced with a warm one as she leaped into Sawyer's arms. Their lips were inches apart as Kate's head lifted slightly. Vomiting sounds filled the room, causing everyone to snigger slightly. Sawyer broke away from Kate and snarled.

"CHARLIE PACE, YOU BETTER RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" He bellowed. "ENJOY THE SUNSHINE SONNY. IT'S THE LAST TIME YOU'LL EVER SEE IT!" Then he flung himself into a sprint after his adversary.

**&&&&&&&&&&&**

He couldn't believe it. John Locke had managed to worm his way onto a big Hollywood production set, and not just any set. It was the set where they were making the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. He couldn't believe his luck. Granted he was only an extra, but it was still a major part for him.

Until he found out they had to cancel it because half the cast had gone missing, whilst shooting a vital scene during the end of the movie. Locke, being the perceptive guy he was, knew exactly where they were. _Everything happens for a reason. _If he managed to find the cast and bring them back, he might just get a bigger part. With a smug smile, Locke set about trying to find transportation back to the island.

No one was willing to lend him a ship, naturally, but he hoped to find a smaller vessel. A plane crash would just kill a lot of innocent lives and he wasn't _that _insane. A fishing boat or a rowing boat would suffice, only without any money he wasn't able to persuade people to help him.

"DON'T EVER TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!" He would yell after people, who claimed it was impossible to cross the ocean in just a pathetic fishing boat. That motto was becoming old rapidly, and he felt he needed a new one.

"IZZY WIZZY LET'S GET BUSY!" He randomly screamed as he _finally _managed to borrow (cough, steal, cough) from another movie set. As he set sail, he sung random songs, some of them that had nothing to do with the sea.

_"Locke is the best, the best, the best _

_Oh Locke is the best...which nobody can deny!" _He sung cheerfully. Then he set about singing My Heart Will Go On, only changing the lyrics so it now was titled, "My Faith Will Go On." He had no idea about the storm he was rowing into, until a loud clap of thunder alerted him to the weather.

"Oh...dear...Jacob." Was all he said before he was lost in a sea of thunder.

**&&&&&&&&&&&**

"Is this really necessary?" Charlie complained. Sawyer was smirking at him, eyeing him up and down and fighting the urge to laugh. Charlie couldn't run fast enough so that Sawyer had ended up catching him and making endless jokes about the latter man's short legs. Forgetting about the terms of their challenge completely, Sawyer, with the aid of Claire and Kare, had managed to dress Charlie in women's clothing, and hung him by his wrists from some Banyon trees.

"You know, this brings back some awful memories." Charlie replied, wishing he could clutch his neck to stop that awful memory returning. Sawyer's smirk faded a little bit but he didn't let the rock-star down.

"Stop playing with my soft heart, Charlie boy." He scolded. "You made fun of me, now you get the cold platter of justice."

"Can't I just admit you win and we can be friends again?" Charlie pleaded. Claire smirked up at him, wishing she had a camera. Sawyer shook his head, his smirk more pronounced.

"Come on, Mamacita." He turned to Claire. "Let's leave Chuckie here to think about his behaviour." Then, arm in arm, they left the poor ex-junkie to swing.

"Stupid, unreliable friends." He muttered mutinously to himself. For a while he sung to himself, occasionally finding a new tune and new lyrics but because he was unable to write, it was all for nothing. The skirt he was wearing was letting in an uncomfortable breeze around his...'special area'. Somehow, he believed this had been deliberate and he vowed revenge. Then, the loud singing began. Charlie felt relieved as he realised his new pirate friends were on their way.

"Oh my God!" Jack Sparrow slurred. "S'Elizabeth! Gibbsy boy," he turned to his fellow pirate. "Rum the hide. Hide the rum!"

"Oh my god you Jackass!" Elizabeth's frustrated voice cut across him. "That is clearly a man in women's clothing dangling from that tree! And if you say that stupid line one more time, I'm going to cut your throat with a spoon!"  
"Eh? How does that work?" Jack asked mystified. "You're gonna spoon me?" For some reason, this amused him.

"Hello? Dangling man from tree here!" Charlie almost yelled. He should've known the pirates wouldn't have helped. Even Elizabeth just blanked him out. "Last time I ever ask pirates for help," he muttered mutinously.

"BYE!" Jack suddenly yelled at no one. "Going home now! Strange bald guy washed ashore. Said he was a movie star. Sounds like more bloody pirates if you ask me." Charlie became mystified but didn't really care. All he cared about was getting his hands free so he could murder Sawyer.

"Can you PLEASE let me down? My hands are killing me!" He asked, trying to sound nonchalant and casual, like he wasn't bothered about the fact that his hands were about to drop off. Elizabeth, huffing and puffing, cut him down and glared at him, as if it was his fault that all men were thieving, lazy, inconsiderate jerks.

Charlie didn't stick around for too long, after that. He decided to hunt down Sawyer and beat him viciously, using Jack's VIS (Very Important Stick) which he had stolen. Stomping through the jungle was difficult, even whilst in mob mode, and Charlie found he was lost. A loud clunk from behind him made him jump and shriek like a girl. He whirled round, prepared to fling his stick in a random direction, and then breathed a sigh of relief when he realised it was just a chest. Ooh...a chest! Could it possibly have treasure in it? Or was that being too presumptuous?

Being extremely careful, Charlie unlocked the chest using his VIS and gasped when he realised what was inside. Millions and millions (ok, only about 20 really) of DVDs were inside. Charlie's smile widened as a certain title caught his eyes. He had an idea...

_**In the hatch... **_

"Ok Chuckles, what gives?" Sawyer asked grumpily, folding his arms and glancing around the hatch with suspicion. Everyone who was anyone was here, even Locke who had grown a long beard like Dumbledore and who was drinking twice as much rum as ever. Jack Shepherd was folding his arms and sulking at the fact that Sawyer was sitting next to Kate rather than him.

"I found a chest of DVDs last night," Charlie announced, "and I wanted to share with you, a DVD that is very close to my heart."

"Oh God! It ain't the Muppets Christmas Carol is it?" Sawyer groaned. Charlie scowled but chose to ignore him, placing the DVD in. He skipped several scenes until it got to the bit he wanted. A smaller version of himself appeared on screen, a character with curly light brown hair and a mischievous grin who was being referred to as 'Merry'.

"Lord of the Friggin' Rings?" Sawyer raised a questioning eyebrow at Charlie. "Oh come on Charlie boy! There's innocence, there's childlike and then there's just asking for it."

"Asking for what?"

Sawyer snorted. "Wake up and smell the hobbit feet Charlie! You've just given me enough insults and mocking lines to taunt you with for the next few weeks!" Charlie blushed but looked defiantly at the con man.

"Oh ok Sawyer. Is that the way you want to play it?" He asked, jeering at him. "Well I guess I won't tell anyone about your secret CRUSH." Immediately it sparked a riot, with everyone demanding Sawyer for information. Sawyer scowled, regretting endlessly his decision to tell Charlie that particular secret.

"Well then Charlie boy." He said slowly, enunciating every word carefully. "If a secret war is what you want, then that's what you'll get. But I just have to say one thing."

"What's that?"

"At least my feet aren't a measly size six."

"SAWYEEEEEER!!!"

"I thought this was to be called Locke of the Rings?" Locke's quiet voice spoke up.

**Ha Ha! Set you up for the next update lol. This wasn't my best one by far but at least it's an update! Right? Next one will be better I PROMISE! And if not feel free to pelt me with virtual tomatoes until I improve XD**


	12. Chapter 12 Secret Wars

**Secret War**

_Secret war- involves a dark secret re-emerging with unforeseen consequences, Sawyer laughing A LOT, Jack's new vocabulary and a new form of suicide..._

For once, Charlie and Sawyer were nowhere near each other and the silence that resulted from their separation unnerved everyone. Jack was to be seen waving his VIS about wildly, interrogating people at random and demanding to know answers to really random questions. Everyone was waiting for the storm to come, the unleash of the next challenge to hit them...but nothing came.

"Oh for Jacob's sake, Jack!" Locke exclaimed, after Jack had managed to make Hurley break down in tears with his intense interrogation. "You're not on The Bill, you know!"

"No but that would be AWESOME!" Jack replied dreamily, picturing himself as a cop. Somehow penguins entered his daydream and that disturbed him. The penguins were dancing, like the ones out of Mary Poppins. Oh damn. That must be why. He had watched Mary Poppins 12 times yesterday whilst on button duty, pausing the film only to enter the numbers into the computer, a task he found both pointless and futile.

"Why do you say 'oh for Jacob's sake' Locke?" Sun enquired, entering the conversation timidly. "Isn't it normally 'oh for God's sake'?"

"Yeah, but Jacob's my bum chum. My star, my ultra companion who can shoot rocks at turtles." Locke replied haughtily. "We understand each other."

"I still say he's made up." Jack muttered. Those were the worst words he could've said. Locke turned on him with sudden viciousness and snatched his VIS from him and started to beat him with it. Scowling, Jack rose to his feet, snatching his VIS back and whacking Locke on the head with it. Without any hair, the VIS made a beautiful clonking sound against Locke's head.

"Hey, I just thought of something." Jack suddenly brightened up. "We're the first characters in this chapter. Normally, it's Charlie or Sawyer but today it's us! How spankingly beautiful!"

"_Spankingly beautiful_?" Sun spluttered, sweeping back her ebony hair to stare at Jack. "God, what are you on Jack?" Jack's face fell slightly, but he had made a very early New Year's resolution not to cry.

"You should have heard the crap he spouted at dawn." Locke remarked. "He came out with, _Oh my aren't I smexii beast, Kate is a love machine feeding my fantasy, two toes are trouble but 6 are a bubble _and _I won't survive without YOOOO-UUUUUUUU. _I think Jack's finally discovered his feminine side. I caught him listening to Girls Aloud earlier." He grinned and Jack's face fell again, this time the waves of tears threatening to show. He ran off, wailing and cursing Locke with every name he could think of.

"I'm thinking right now, a fish would make a better leader than him." Sun muttered to Locke, who grinned at that image. _A fish as a leader... _now **that **would be awesome.

**&&&&&&&&&&&**

Charlie was thinking. He was trying to make a list of all the secrets that he knew about Sawyer, but he only knew 3, none of them being huge or life altering. Then he grinned. What if the secrets he told were complete lies? No one would know other than Sawyer, and by the time he found out...the damage would've been done.

The figure of Jack came running in to the hatch and, unsurprisingly, he was crying. Charlie raised an eyebrow in his direction, but decided not to ask. Instead, it was time to initiate Operation Humiliate Sawyer.

"Hey Jack?" He called casually. "Did you know Sawyer has a fish fetish?" The sound of a toilet flushing followed by a loud gurgling could be heard. Charlie sighed then got to his feet and followed the sound. He gaped at what he saw. Jack's head was down the toilet (a mockable sight in itself) and he appeared to be drowning. Charlie rolled his eyes and then grabbed his friend's head and pulled it out.

"What happened?" Jack gasped. "Am I in heaven?" He squinted at Charlie then groaned, evidently deciding that he wasn't dead.

"Jack." Charlie's voice was quite calm. "What in the name of PENGUIN FOOD were you doing? Were you trying to kill yourself? Death by toilet? That is...just wrong."

"I wasn't trying to kill myself." Jack rose unsteadily to his feet. "I was TRYING to prove a point."

"That you have the brain capacity of a toilet?" Charlie enquired. Jack scowled at him but then looked at his feet, ashamed of the truth.

"No. I was trying to see if I _could_ kill myself before I actually did."

"Oh. So if you DID kill yourself, you were what? Going to revive yourself _just_ to kill yourself again? Jack, I respect you mate but you don't half spout a load of crap at times."

"I didn't plan that far ahead, believe it or not." Jack scowled. "Besides, it wasn't my idea. I'm a fictional character being tortured by a sadistic author who likes to toy with my emotions."

"Sure, sure. That is **so** like you Jack." Charlie rolled his eyes. "Blaming it on some author who may or may not exist. We make our own luck in life. You sound like Locke."

At this, Jack's eyes bulged. He. Did. Not. Like. Being. Compared. To. John. Locke. End of story. In fact, you could say it was the biggest insult you could ever give him but because it was Charlie, he decided to let it pass.

"What were you saying anyway?" He asked with a sigh. "What's this about Sawyer...and fish?" He really didn't want to know, but if it steered off the subject of him being like Locke, it made him happy.

"Sawyer loves fish." Charlie grinned. "In fact, one time I..." he stopped talking to laugh hysterically at something, and then went up to Jack to whisper something in his ear. Jack's eyes went from bored to horror in a single second and he gaped at Charlie.

"Oh GOD! MY EARS!! MY SPANKINGLY BEAUTIFUL EARS!" He wailed, clutching them as he ran out of the room. Grinning widely, Charlie whooped as he realised phase one was complete. All he needed now was a cool chair, a clone and a cat and BAM! He could pass off as an evil genius.

**Meanwhile...**

Sawyer was trying to plot Charlie's downfall simultaneously as Charlie was plotting his. The only thing was, he didn't have a clue about the ex-junkie and that was kind of the whole point of the 'Secret War' they had embarked on. The aim was to humiliate each other by exposing their deepest, darkest secrets. Sawyer scowled, infuriated by his lack of knowledge. What secrets could he expose of Charlie's when he barely knew the guy?

Ah, HA! Sawyer suddenly realised exactly what he could expose him for. Only it was a deep, dark secret that would probably end up getting both of them in trouble. But who could he tell? More importantly, who would listen? Everyone was aware of the competitive nature of Charlie and Sawyer, and they would assume that they were just pitting petty arguments against each other in order to humiliate them. Whilst that was true, Sawyer didn't like people assuming things that were none of their concern.

"Morning Sawyer." Sun's cheery voice greeted him. She looked very happy and she clutched her stomach with undisguised elation, and Sawyer wondered if shattering her happiness was wise. He didn't want a pregnant, hormonal woman after him, even if it _was_ Tokyo Rose over there. But then again, the image of Sun beating up Charlie was one Sawyer couldn't resist picturing over and over again, and he decided to take a chance. If she asked him how he knew, he could lie quite expertly. After all, he was a conman was he not? Part of that job entailed lying expertly without blushing, screwing up or falling in love with your target.

"Hey Betty. Can I talk to you for a second?" Sawyer greeted her whilst trying not to look too out of character. Sun smiled at him and for a moment, he faltered. Despite what everyone probably thought, he wasn't evil. He wasn't going to enjoy telling Sun who actually kidnapped her, just the consequences of telling her.  
"Sure. What can I get you?" Sun immediately picked up on Sawyer's personality, and he was tempted to throw a tantrum and storm off only he wasn't going to be another Jack. Hell, no.

"You think the Others were behind your attack, don't ya?" He asked. Sun's face turned suspicious, then wary as the tone to their conversation became serious.

"Do you know who it really was?" She asked, her tone becoming bitingly bitter.

"It was the munchkin. Charlie." Sawyer told her. "I know you're gonna ask how I know, but I heard him crying about it in that darn church of his. He seemed so upset over it." He watched Sun's face carefully, trying to assess how angry she was going to become.  
"Why would Charlie attack me?" Sun seemed confused. "What have I done to upset him?"

"Ah, I don't know." Sawyer confessed, trying to get into his 'Con' mode. "I think Johnny boy knocked him up so good that he became messed up. Maybe attacked you out of some sort of sick revenge?"

"Locke was kind of harsh to him." Sun mused. Her eyes became suspicious and Sawyer became gleeful, realising the action was about to begin.

"Why are you telling me NOW?" She demanded, turning on him. "You've had plenty of time to tell me. Why now?"

Sawyer's smile dropped, as he realised this wasn't going the way he planned. Jack emerged and he silently thanked the Gods for providing a doctor on the scene. This was a first. Being happy to see Jack. Sawyer shuddered and turned back to a silently fuming Sun.

"Erm, what's going on here?" Jack asked, looking from Sun to Sawyer nervously. "I haven't got my VIS with me, so please break it up."

"_Please?!" _Sun half shrieked. "Tell that to this Jackass who claimed that Charlie attacked me." She glared at Sawyer who backed away slowly, only to be stopped by Mr Eko, a huge bulk of a man.

"Great!" Sawyer muttered. "I try and humiliate a good bud and what happens? The tribe of I Couldn't Give A Rat's Ass comes and prepares to slaughter you."

"Charlie?!" Jack suddenly giggled. "Charlie attacked Sun? Sawyer that is complete and utter TUSH!"

"Tush?" Sawyer repeated. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"A load of rubbish." Jack emphasised.

"You do know it is another word for butt don't you?" Jack looked mortified but he had to remember his promise. Don't cry, don't cry and everything will be alright, he chanted.

"Have any of you seen Mamma Mia yet?" Eko's voice echoed across the clearing, causing everyone to turn and stare at him. Nobody knew what to say. This was the longest sentence anyone had ever heard Eko utter before and the context of the utterance confused them, to say the least. Half the camp was here now, attracted to the clearing by Sun's shriek.

"What the noodles are you on about?" Jack demanded, causing even more confusion. "I thought we were addressing Sawyer's fish fetish..."

"Wait! WHAT?!!" Sawyer half shrieked. He stared at Jack, who stared back. "I have a FREAKIN' WHAT?"

"Oh come on!" Jack snorted. "Charlie told me about the time you and that fish had sex."

"Charlie said what?" Sawyer's voice became dangerously low, though inside his head a box of fireworks had exploded. Though what Jack said infuriated the Con man, it broke the tension in the clearing. Sun snorted with reluctant laughter until the mental images took over and she fell to the ground, practically dying with laughter. Next to be claimed by the giggles was Locke, whose high pitched girly giggles set off everyone else, and even Mr Eko fought to hide a smile.

"I'm so glad a complete lie has made your day!" Sawyer snapped before storming off, hoping he could run into Charlie so he could beat him senseless. How DARE he make up that stuff about him? Though, he had to admit, it was pretty funny now he thought about it. In fact, Sawyer himself started laughing loudly and he couldn't even find the heart to stop himself. It had been a long time since he'd laughed this hard, and he found himself clutching his sides as he slid to the floor, with his eyes streaming tears of merriment.

"Hey Sawyer. What's u....oh." Charlie realised he was supposed to be running for his life but the sight of Sawyer crying with laughter set him off too. Within a few seconds he was also on the ground, laughing at himself, at Sawyer and at fate itself. The two of them looked pathetically funny, laughing at what appeared to be nothing. Occasionally, one of them would stand up and appeared to look normal again until something that the other one did or said would have them back down on the ground, rolling with fresh laughter.

"Damn you Charlie Pace! That's all I can say." Sawyer choked as he sat up. "A fish fetish, are you serious?"

"It was either that, or you have a secret ambition to go snorkelling with turtles." Charlie spluttered. "But the fish fetish sounded better."

"I'd...get...revenge," Sawyer coughed as he continued chortling. "But somehow...I don't...think I'd do well." He slumped against the back of a tree, fully intending to get revenge but trying to lull Charlie into a false sense of security.

"Hi guys!" A boisterous Desmond came running into the clearing. He smiled at Charlie widely and then smirked at Sawyer.

"You're in a good mood today Des." Charlie remarked. Desmond smiled again.

"Why shouldn't I be?" He asked. "I just had a flash you wanted to ask me something, so I went to find you." He fluttered his eyelashes at Charlie, causing Sawyer to snigger loudly. "Well, Charles? I'm waiting..."

"Oh yes! I remember." Charlie exclaimed. He _had _been wanting to talk to Desmond and he'd forgotten it in his ambition to humiliate Sawyer. "I needed to ask you what you were doing later."

Desmond's eyes practically popped out of their sockets and his grin widened. "I am always free for you mate. What can I do?" He winked at Sawyer who rolled his eyes and started hysterically laughing again.

"I just wanted to know if you could help me with a little project for Claire." Charlie asked. "I wanted to build another cradle for Aaron because his old one is...well dying." He smiled at Desmond, who didn't look so keen anymore.

"'Kay." He sulked. "But why don't you ask Sir-Laughs-A-Lot there? Why me?"

"Because you're the best craftsman I know." Charlie pleaded. "And I **really **don't want to ask Locke or Sawyer to help me."

"What's wrong with me?" Sawyer sat up, looking indignant.

"Don't go down that road." Charlie muttered playfully. Scowling again, Sawyer started muttering non-stop about 'irritating hobbits' and how you couldn't count on anyone in this world. Desmond looked slightly mollified as he skipped away. He started singing _500 miles_ by The Proclaimers as he skipped off, looking meaningfully at Charlie as he danced away.

**&&&&&&&&**

To tell, or not tell that was the question on Sawyer's mind. He was on hatch duty and so far he had a grand total of 3 things about Charlie that he could explode upon the world.

1) Charlie was a homosexual who was having a not-so-secret affair with Desmond. Somehow, Sawyer knew _that _little rumour would please Desmond endlessly and it was a temptation not to go and wed the two of them just to see the Scotsman's face.

2) Charlie used to be a woman. Sawyer loved that one, because he could physically imagine it. Charlie in a dress went better together than peanuts and butter.

Or 3) Charlie sees dead people. Not quite an original plot as it _was _stolen from Sixth Sense, but Sawyer could imagine people freaking out over it.

He sighed and felt sorely tempted to throw his pen and hit Locke, his hatch buddy for the shift. Locke was asleep with his mouth wide open and it was just too good an opportunity to miss. Sawyer aimed the pen carefully, lifted his hand back carefully, and then lobbed the pen. It was a bullseye! Locke woke up in the most violent way possible whilst screaming and clutching his throat. The pen was directly in his throat and he had to either cough it up...or die. All of a sudden it didn't seem such a good idea.

"I hope you 'preciate this Locke in a box," he muttered as he gave Locke the Heimlich Manoeuver. Locke choked up the pen and then fell straight back to sleep, as if nothing had happened.

Sawyer sat back in his chair and sighed, looking more bored than ever. He randomly played MASH on a scrap piece of paper and discovered he was going to end up with Rousseau living in a shack with 19 children and a job as a cheap ass janitor. Super.

"Hey Sawyer." The random voice of Frogurt entered the hatch. Sawyer groaned. Not this guy _again. _He hated Neil a.k.a Frogurt, and thought he was a complete Jackass. But then he remembered something. Neil was well liked and therefore was key in completing his evil plan. For a second, Sawyer felt the urge to put his baby finger up by his mouth like Dr. Evil in Austin Powers and then to cackle evilly but luckily, he repressed this urge.

"Hey Frogurt." He called. "Wanna know something cool? Or disturbing, whichever way you look at it?"

"Sure." Neil replied, staring warily at Sawyer. "Only because I don't know if you've got...fish in here. I'm anxious to leave."

Sawyer scowled, silently cursing Charlie into the fiery depths of Hell where he surely belonged. He took a deep breath, smiled at Neil and then replied, "Did you know that Charlie Pace is a homosexual in love with Desmond except he used to be a woman that saw dead people? He might still see dead people, I don't know."

Neil's mouth was wide open and all of a sudden, the fish fetish became yesterday's news.

"Tell me more!" He asked eagerly, sitting next to Sawyer and looking totally engrossed in the story. Sawyer smirked and started talking...

**On the beach.... **

"Aw." Claire was speechless. There, in front of her, was a brand new cradle for Aaron. It had Aaron's name engraved on the front, and Claire's name on the back. Charlie presented it to her shyly, still not sure where he stood with her. "Thank you so much!" She suddenly bawled, throwing herself in Charlie's arms.  
"Don't forget who actually carved the damn thing." Desmond muttered mutinously. "Bitch." He added, causing Claire to look up.  
"Did you say something?" She asked, her eyebrows raised questioningly.

"I said I have an ITCH." Desmond explained loudly, before storming off.

"He has severe cases of PMT." Charlie explained on behalf of his Scottish friend. Claire giggled before turning back to her son and picking him up from his old crib so he could rest in his new one.

"HEY! I'VE GOT NEWS!!" Neil, a.k.a Frogurt, came running down the beach, eyes wide and face pale. "One of our castaways is a FRAUD!"

"How so?" Someone asked. Charlie and Claire frowned, whilst leaning in to hear more details.

"You know that guy, Charlie?" Neil asked. "Well, according to Sawyer he's a homosexual who's in love with Desmond. I assume he's the Scottish drunk, right? Anyway, not only THAT but apparently he used to be a woman and he sees dead people." There was a very heavy silence after that, with everyone turning to Charlie with amazed looks on their faces.

"Oh come on guys!" Charlie whimpered. "You don't really believe him, do you? I mean consider the source! Sawyer!"

"Of course we don't really believe it Charlie," Sun explained. "It just makes the plot more exciting if we _pretend _we do. So, run." She smiled menacingly at him.

"Stupid imaginary author." Charlie muttered darkly before running off into the jungle.

"I'll give anyone the last of the Dharma Oat Bars if they can catch him." Claire offered, and then the game was on.

**Somewhere not far from here...**

"Oh God! Please tell me you're not here!" Locke whimpered, slamming his head on the table in the hatch over and over again. Desmond grinned in his direction.

"I wasn't even supposed to be in this chapter but Smutyaoifan missed me too much." He explained. Locke stared at him as if he had spoken in complete gibberish.  
"I'm sorry, I though you just said someone actually _missed you. _" He spat, before doodling I HATE DESMOND on a piece of paper.

"Ah, be nice box man." Desmond sighed. "Can't we have any nice conversations these days? You know you miss my randomness."

"True," Locke conceded. "I've never heard someone talk about the colour blue so much. But we are friends. No funny business." He became stern, gazing at Desmond like he wasn't sure if he was completely sane or not.

"Desmond says relax. Do you have msn? We should totally add each other." Desmond looked excited. "My address is Charlies-Only-Guy at hotmail dot com!"

Locke decided it was best if he didn't ask about the meaning behind Desmond's email address. "Mine is Destinys-A-Fickle-Bitch at hotmail dot com."

"Awesome!" Desmond sighed. He high fived Locke randomly and then went to sit by the computer. "Should we see if we can get MSN up?" He joked, but it was the wrong thing to say. Locke went mental.  
"NO WE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT SEE IF WE CAN GET MSN UP!" He yelled. "DO YOU WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO EXPLODE? YOU SELFISH, EVIL, MANIPULATIVE BASTARD!"

"Box man, is it your time of the month?" Desmond asked. "Cause, I don't know why, I'm getting the sense you might be a tad upset."

"Jesus, whatever gave you THAT idea?" Locke asked grumpily. He folded his arms and went to sit in the corner, sulking at the fact that he hadn't done a lot in this chapter so far.

"Did you know 40 percent of students are failing at school because of us?" Desmond remarked as he walked towards his friend. "Grabeels girl told me so." He looked smug. "She was looking forward to our update so much she missed studying for an important test."

"Like I care." Locke sniffed. "I failed all my subjects at school, all because I told my teachers I was too 'special' to pass." Desmond rolled his eyes and stared as Charlie came running in.  
"Sawyer is going to die!" Charlie growled, before hiding in the food room.

"Ooh, can I help?" Desmond asked cheerfully. "He stole my Mizz Magazine and told me it was his to keep." His eyes saddened at the memory but then lit up again as the thought of doing an activity with Charlie was sinking in.

"OH MY GOD! NO FAIR!" Locke wailed. Desmond and Charlie turned to stare at him, bewildered as to why he was behaving like Jack. "I was on, like, Fanfiction dot net, when I saw this random crappy story entitled Conman Versus Junkie, and listen to what this user PI_Kitty says. '_a humiliated Lock is always something I enjoy reading about! Ofc they only want him out of Lost' _OMG!"

"Wow." Charlie grinned. "This user sounds awesome! Should we invite her to the island?"  
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Locke barked. "Anyone who hates me, or wants me to be humiliated, stays away!"

"God, it's like a resurrected Hitler." Desmond muttered to Charlie, who nodded with a small grin.

**In Sawyer's tent...(oo-er!) **

"Ok, what the hell's the appeal with this book?" Sawyer muttered to himself, as he glanced at the cover of _Twilight. _"How the hell does sparkling amp up your masculinity?" He threw the book aside, sick of love stories.

"Sawyer. You are going to die." A familiar voice growled at the front of his tent. Sawyer grinned, knowing his plan had gone spectacularly well.

"Unless you're a pretty lady, can't come in." He called, silently sniggering as Charlie let out an exasperated sigh.

"Well, according to you, I used to be one. Does that count?"

"Hmm." Sawyer thought about it carefully, trying to picture Charlie as a woman. "I guess so. Come on in Charlotte!"

"Thanks for the ultra cool nickname." Charlie replied sarcastically, emerging into the tent. "You know how angry I am with you?"

"About as angry as an irritable grizzly, by any chance?"

"STOP REFERENCING RUDDY TWILIGHT!" Charlie yelled. "I'M BEING SERIOUS!"  
"What shocks me is that you actually know where that quote came from." Sawyer sniggered.

"What?" Charlie asked defensively. "It's a pretty cool book. Emmett kinda reminds me of you a bit."

"I've not got to that bit yet!" Sawyer covered his ears. "Go away monkey man!"

"Ah! Direct quote from the movie!" Charlie pointed at him in triumph.

"AS IF YOU BLOODY KNOW THE MOVIE TOO!"

"IT WAS COOL!"  
"Yeah, well so's your mum but I don't go and see her every night."

"THAT'S TAKING IT TOO FAR SAWYER! TOO FAR!"

**We'll leave our protagonists to squabble for a bit...hope you enjoyed this latest update!! LUV YA!!**


	13. Chapter 13 Invasion of the Lost Fans

**The Invasion of the LOST Fans **

**Ha. You guys love me! So, in return for your love and reviewing I am going to plop you in the story somewhere HA! You may get killed...or you may find love XD depends on who loves me the most lol **

_Invasion of the LOST fans involves a very familiar character arriving, totally random people bombarding every lost character in sight_

It happened about 4 days after the new people arrived, them being Miles, Daniel, Charlotte and Frank. Charlie had been feeling sick of Desmond predicting his doom, following him around and saying "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, CHARLEEEEE!" in various accents, so he was actively avoiding the Scotsman. For once, he was nowhere near the conman or even Claire.

Sawyer, for once, wasn't in a fighting kind of mood. The new Chinese looking guy, Miles, was pissing him off, trying to ruffle his feathers. Mission accomplished seeing as how Sawyer was in a very bad mood. He wasn't even in the mood for doing a challenge with Charlie. Come to think of it, he hadn't even seen the squirt for a while.  
"I feel pretty, Oh so pretty!" Sang Desmond, as he cartwheeled past. Sawyer rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. He was stuck with a bunch of loonies- and a crybaby (Jack)- and he had to put up with it.

"Oh my God! Life here sucks," complained the red haired girl, Charlotte. Sawyer was man enough to admit that he could see why Daniel, the geekish nerd, was visibly lusting after her, but his sights were on something else. That can of beer by his reading glasses. He grabbed it and gazed at it lovingly,before gulping it down him, hoping he could drown every single emotion he felt.

"Today will be a sunny day with clear skies ahead," Frank noted, standing on one leg as if he were a flamingo. "Sky temperature approximately 48 degrees with no turbulence ahead."

"Will you _shut it?" _Sawyer snapped. "You're not in the air anymore, Captain Bird's Eye." Frank looked startled at the unfamiliar voice and looked around wildly before putting it down to his imaginary friend...Jasper.

Desmond was trying to find Charlie to tell him that the flashes had stopped, but he couldn't be bothered anymore. In fact, he was giving up on Charlie full stop. No more unhealthy obsession. A small figure could be seen in the distance, huffing and puffing and carrying a clipboard. Desmond's face lit up as he realised who it was. It was...angry lost fan.

"Hey Desmond!" Angry Lost Fan greeted him, and he stared. He hadn't realised that Angry Lost Fan was in fact a girl, but then again he'd always assumed Sawyer was too...until he'd walked in on a very..erm...'private' moment shall we say? "I'm back!"

"Yo!" Desmond high fived her and then grinned. "Glad you're back! Where you been?"

"Watching season 5 of Lost, what else would I be doing?" Angry Lost Fan grinned. Then she frowned, suddenly aggravated about something. "Not there's much of a season, since CHARLIE DIDN'T DROWN LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO!" She sighed. "I love Charlie but his survival has meant Miles, Faraday, Charlotte and Frank have had to hitchhike to the island. Are they here already?"

"Aye, but none of them have a clue why they are here." Desmond informed him. Angry Lost Fan sighed, tapping her pen against her clipboard in impatience.

"Do I have to sort out everything around here?" She sighed, looking...well angry. "Everything's just gone to pot y'know. Jack is trying to fly off the island, Sawyer is drinking himself to death, Frank is reporting the weather every half an hour...and someone here is going to die within 48 hours if I DON'T SEE MY LAWYER!" She added, sighing again as the body of Jack flew into Desmond and knocked him to the ground.  
"Sorry," the doctor mumbled. "Thought I'd nailed it that time."

"Nailed what? The ground?" Desmond snorted, feeling a sense of vindictiveness at Jack's sour expression. Everybody loved taunting Jack; it was the only thing left to do that was any fun.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Jack screeched, holding his head up and looking at the sky. "A FRIGGIN' ROCK FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND LANDED ON MY HEAD!"

"Well done Pi_Kitty." Desmond muttered over and over again.

"Why do people hate me?" Jack wailed. "I'm a good person."

"Yeah but you cry a lot and you are doomed to die in season six anyway," Angry Lost Fan informed him. "You get hit by a blimp."  
"WHAT?!" Jack shrieked. "A BLIMP?!" He deliberated for a second about that ridiculous excuse of a death, before suddenly gasping.

"What is it?" Desmond demanded. "Have you finally discovered that you suck and cry too much for a guy?"

"No..." Jack scowled at him. "I just realised that in previous chapters of this story, the author refers to Angry Lost Fan as being a BOY but here, she's a girl. THIS STORY LACKS CONTINUENCY!" He yelled in triumph and proceeded to do a victory dance before a second rock fell out of the sky and hit him on the head for abusing the author of this perfectly alright story.

"Oh crap, this is all I need!" Angry Lost Fan groaned, all the whilst ignoring Jack. "Friggin' fans." She turned away, making a note on her clipboard and turning back to a confused Desmond.

"What do you mean_ fans_?" He asked slowly. "It's not...fangirls...is it?"  
"Hundreds of them," Angry Lost Fan said grimly. "Look, here come the first batchful now." A helicopter suddenly emerged from the sky, opening its doors and allowing hundreds of girls to parachute on to the island.

"How do all of them fit in that itty bitty helicopter?" Desmond asked in amazement. Angry Lost Fan sighed.

"It's Lost, mate," she replied sourly. "You hardly ever get answers on this show." She proceeded to turn around and walk off, ignoring Jack's cries of pain and misery.

"JACK!!! JACK!!!" One fangirl ran up to the doctor and grinned at him. He grinned back, elated that he had finally found a potential friend.

"Hello! Will you be my friend?" He asked, pouting playfully in an attempt to look adorable.

"I'm Pi_kitty," the girl replied. "That's all I'll tell you about myself and it's not even my _NAME!_" She laughed and then suddenly glared at him. "First, I need to give you something..." and she swiftly punched him in the face.

"What was that for?" Jack demanded, trying (and failing) not to cry. "What did _I_ ever do?"

"Be a cry baby! Now where's Locke so I can hurl rocks at him?" Pi_Kitty asked. Once she was directed to where Locke was, she stalked off.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"CHARLIE?" Sawyer looked panicky. "There are FANGIRLS on the island! FANGIRLS!" He flapped his arms to emphasise his point. Charlie rolled his eyes, unaffected by this news.

"So?" He asked, staring lazily around. "You're a likable character. You'll be swarmed by beautiful girls and probably get free beer. What are you complaining at?"

Sawyer paused for a moment, digesting this information. The hobbit had a good point actually, and he did love his beer. Perhaps this was a good thing for once.

"We need to change this in some kind of a challenge, otherwise this story lacks continuency," he said slowly, following another train of thought. Charlie nodded understandingly and the two men thought for a moment.

"We can see who can get the most girls if you like?" Charlie suggested slyly. "Every girl loves a hobbit, do they not?"

"Absolute crap!" Sawyer declared. "A man with muscles, _that_ is what pleases the girls!"

"Hear, hear!" A new, unfamiliar voice cheered. Sawyer and Charlie simultaneously turned round to find the source of the voice. A big, big man with pale skin and honey coloured eyes grinned at them and flexed his own muscles towards them. Sawyer eyed them enviously before asking the man who the hell he was.

"I'm Emmett," the guy replied, waving lazily at them. "Emmett Cullen and I'm going to totally steal all the girls."

"Aren't you in the wrong fandom?" Charlie enquired. "This is _Lost _not _Twilight._"

"What?!" Emmett looked ruffled to say the least. "But I was told this was Isle Esme. Oh crap!" He started whimpering and looking around in confusion, before running off at a very fast speed.

"It's Jack on drugs," Sawyer grinned and Charlie blinked at him before roaring with laughter.

"OH MY GOD!" A girl's voice screamed. "IT'S THE SEXY HOBBIT FROM LORD OF THE RINGS!" A random girl came into sight and threw herself on Charlie, much to his shock. She hugged him tight and started to bawl. "I love you! My undercover name is AlexaGeorge-AKA-Jill-Pole and I love sexy hobbits!"

"See, Sawyer?" Charlie smirked at his gobsmacked friend. "Hobbits **are **what girls love!"

"Well, you get weirdos in every breed," Sawyer scoffed, shaking his head fervently.

"OH MY GOD!" Another voice screamed. "SAWYER IS HERE!" And with that, about a hundred girls started running towards Sawyer and jumped on him. Some of them started dragging his shirt off so that his bare chest was showing. This provoked more screams and more fainting fits. The conman smirked back at Charlie as it was _his _turn to become gobsmacked.

"Hi, Sawyer!" One girl spoke to him, trying to be seductive. "I share your name, you know!"

"Really?" Sawyer's voice sounded muffled by all the girls who were hugging him. "What is your name?"

"Mrs. Sawyer," the girl replied, grinning. "But only on fanfiction dot net, not in real life." She sounded upset at that fact and started sobbing at this news.

"AH! CHARLIE'S ALIVE!" What a surprise. More fangirls, this time for Charlie. It was at that moment that Charlie and Sawyer realised their challenge had to change. They were about equal in numbers now, so it was more of a case of who could survive this day, rather than who could acquire the most fangirls. They whimpered as several girls produced marriage certificates for them to sign and tried to shove rings on to their fingers.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **

Locke wasn't having a good day. First of all, a random fangirl called Pi_Kitty had started hurling rocks at him, followed by other fangirls who surprisingly hated him or were annoyed by his behaviour. If that wasn't bad enough, the author of this story had dropped a rock on him, claiming that she was fulfilling someone's request. "Hello, box man!" Desmond grinned, looking utterly relaxed with two girls next to him. "This is Grabeels_girl and Smutyaoifan who **adore **me." He stressed the word 'adore' as a way of taunting his former comrade because, when it came to fangirls, it was every man for himself.

"We love Charlie too!" Grabeels_girl added and Smutyaoifan nodded. "We just love the Scotsman too!"

"Say the line!" They pleaded at him. "SAY THE LINE!"

"Ok, ok," Desmond sighed, pretending that he found this sort of life wearisome. "See ya in another life, brother!" This provoked more giggles and little cries of 'yay' from the girls. Locke rolled his eyes as he dabbed at his bruises.

Even Ana-Lucia, a very quiet member and reclusive member of the camp, had her own fan. She walked past, talking earnestly to her fan.

"Yo, this is Warrior_princess922," she introduced her fan to Locke and Desmond. "She loves my character, and she has a brilliant name!" She beamed, an out of character gesture which caused Desmond and Locke to exchange a glance, which said, _can this author really get away with this kind of stuff? _

"Ana's awesome!" Warrior_princess922 declared, smiling widely. "I'm her biggest fan!"

"No! I am!" Another voice joined the conversation. It was a scrawny girl, with glasses and crooked teeth.

"Who are you?" Everyone asked simultaneously.

"I'm Wickedgal08, the author of this story!" The girl declared proudly. What did she get for this confession? A pound of tomatoes lobbed at her, people screaming 'you suck' at her and a vicious death glare from Locke.

"WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE GET TOMATOES?" Wickedgal08 screamed. "THIS SHOW DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, NOR DOES THIS STORY!"

"Well, you're the one who actually wrote this story," scoffed Ana. "If that is, indeed, true."

"Hey! I brought you into this story, I can easily write you out of it!" Wickedgal08 shouted, before poofing out of the story herself. Desmond beckoned for his fangirls to follow him as they exited,and Ana and Warrior_princess922 followed suit, leaving Locke all alone. Again.

Meanwhile, Sawyer and Charlie were trying to avoid the fangirls but were failing miserably. They were everywhere. Every time they rounded a corner, there would be another fangirl, waiting for them. It seemed the girls knew the island better than they did themselves.

"I must be the world's biggest bigamist," Sawyer panted as he ran alongside his friend. "Look how many wedding rings I've got on!" His fingers were literally covered in millions of rings.

"Yeah, but they're all either Haribo rings, or hula hoops," Charlie pointed out. "Just eat 'em off!" He waggled his bare fingers as a way of example and Sawyer copied him. They hoped that if they could run to the beach, they could at least have witnesses to help them in case they had to resort to violence to clear off the fangirls.

"Did you see what that one girl did to me?" Sawyer panted. "She took my shirt! She just...just...took it!" He was shirtless now, meaning that girls were even more attracted to him.

"Excuse me!" Charlie squeaked in protest. "That..that AlexaGeorge girl and Blackwolf1480 held me down and tattooed me!" He showed Sawyer his back, which was now labelled **HOBBITS R SXI BEASTS. **Sawyer roared with laughter at his friend's misfortune, until Charlie told him his own back had been tattooed with the words **WE LUV SAWYER, SAWYER IS OUR GOD. **

"Dudes! You got owned!" Hurley laughed as they reached the beach and told everyone about their adventures. Sun and Jin laughed at the whole 'bigamy' situation and Kate was laughing at how many lipstick marks were on both of their faces.

"It's not our fault we're the most popular characters on _Lost!_" Sawyer snarled. "Girls are just attracted to us for some reason."

"Yeah, and I bet you're just _loving _the attention." Kate smirked. "I don't know what you're complaining at myself." She appraised him carefully and smirked when Charlie showed her, Sawyer's tattoo.

"Ok, missy!" Sawyer snapped. "How much abuse have _you _received today?"  
"Lots actually," she confessed. "People keep coming up and demanding to know who I'm going to end up with. I've got Jaters, Skaters and all sorts after me!"

"Ooh, our hearts bleed for you!" Sawyer and Charlie snarled at her. Kate rolled her eyes, but didn't respond.

"No, no, NO!" Jack screamed as he ran into view. He was being mobbed by Skaters who, in turn, were being mobbed by Jaters who, in turn, were being mobbed by angry PB and J fans and Despenny fans because Jate and Skate took up more screen time than any other couple. This was surely the definition of a vicious circle.

"IT'S KATE!" One of the Skate mobbers called loudly. "LET'S GET HER AND SAWYER TOGETHER!"

"NO-OOO-OOO!" Some other girls came into sight, sobbing loudly. "SAWYER'S **MINE**!"

"How are you alive?" Charlie turned to Sawyer, who just shrugged and then fled back into the jungle. Charlie chuckled, until he saw his own crowd of hobbit lovers and then his smile faded.

"This story just gets weirder and weirder," he remarked aloud.

"DON'T OFFEND THE AUTHOR!" Grabeels_Girl shouted at him. "She gave us permission to cause havoc amongst you guys! WE LOVE YOU CHARLIE!" She added as an afterthought. There came a chorus of 'hear, hears' and then it was Charlie's turn to flee.

All in all, it had been a very, very, very, very, very (insert many more verys until the word loses all meaning) weird day.

"Hold up!" A couple of new figures arrived into view, panting and looking very forlorn. "DON'T YOU DARE FORGET ABOUT US!"

At this point, everyone was bored and turned round to see who the new arrivals were.

"I'm Blooming Sparrow," explained one of the new arrivals.

"And I'm JSkaterfan," the other explained. "We were forgotten and abandoned by this SO-CALLED author!" They glared at the sky in obvious annoyance. "So we decided to invade the island and we're going to take you all hostage."

"Yeah?" Hurley asked, looking doubtful. "You and what army? Yay, I got to sound sexy!" He beamed and clapped his hands together joyfully.

"Us and this army," Blooming Sparrow replied with an evil grin. A great rumble that sounded like the Earth was splitting in two, announced some new arrivals were coming. Everyone felt nervous to say the least, and they all joined hands in preparation to run.

"FLY, MY PRETTIES, FLY!" JSkaterfan cackled as millions upon millions of more fangirls came storming towards them.

"Oh..." Hurley began.

"Shit." Desmond finished.

**A/N- Ha! Hope you enjoyed that! For those of you that weren't mentioned, you will be making a cameo appearance soon. This is shorter than my normal extracts but I hope you like it!! :DD Funnily enough, I can actually see this is happening. I must be insane or something... :P **


	14. Chapter 14 Following the leader

**Following the leader, the leader, the leader... **

**A/n- HA HA you guys rock! I hope you all know that. This is the biggest response I have ever got to a lost fanfic and I hope you guys continue to read this. WOOO! The first part of this story is an idea I borrowed from Pi_Kitty, so thanks to her for that *hugs* Oh, just to explain one thing. Some people are confused as to how Ana magically appeared in the show again without a reaction from people. This story jumps in time because it's not set in one particular series. **

**This one is set in season 3 if you want to know. **

_**Following the leader includes some dirty cheating tactics from Kate, someone from the camp mysteriously disappearing, Miles discovers someone isn't who they appear to be and Locke getting abused. Again. Oh and we see Ben and Juliet again!!**_

Dedicated to Pi_Kitty for this chappie because she's given me some fantastic reviews and this idea was sort of hers :D I'm gonna start dedicating my chapters to my loyal readers.

_**Roll the LOST titles!! **_

It was just another relatively normally day on the island. Surprisingly, everyone had simultaneously fallen asleep even though it was the middle of the afternoon. Maybe it was the midday heat making everyone drowsy but whatever the reason, it couldn't have been a fiendish plot by the author in order to corrupt the plot and nature of the show for her own devices. Absolutely not, the very idea was scandalous....and true.

For one of the castaways, falling asleep was the worst thing they could've done. Jack was having a very pleasant dream about ruling the world, as you do, when he suddenly woke to his shirt being torn off. At first, he grinned because some, delusional part of his brain was coming to its own conclusion that some more fan girls were coming to drool over him. Fat chance.

"Oh no!" He suddenly cried as he gazed into the eyes of his would-be kidnapper. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" He was aware that, over the course of the show so far, he'd been kidnapped far too many times for his small brain to comprehend. Just as he comprehended the fact that he couldn't possibly comprehend the complexity of the show he was working on, he was yanked up in the air and mysteriously disappeared. POOF! And the Jack was gone.

**-------------- **

Later in the afternoon, Sawyer and Charlie were having a massive debate over Kate and Claire and how they behaved in front of them.

"I am always right!" Sawyer proclaimed. "I think, and half of the world agrees with me, that you don't show your feelings for Claire too much and that's why you'll never be more than friends." He folded his arms smugly, convinced he had formulated the perfect argument.  
"What do you mean?" Charlie demanded. "When Claire was- gulp- kidnapped I cried over her. I didn't cry when you, Kate and Jack disappeared, ergo I care more about her than I do about you three LOSERS!" As if to prove his point, he shaped his fingers into an L-shape and stuck them across his head, waggling his eyebrows at his so-called adversary.

"LOSERS?" Sawyer shrieked, causing Locke, who was sitting nearby, to somehow stumble backwards in surprise. "Ha! I have done more macho things than you could ever dream of doing!"

"Give me a 'for instance'." Charlie narrowed his eyes.

"Ok. There was the time I helped build the raft to secure rescue for everyone."

"The operative word here being _helped. _And that mission failed, so that is a pathetic example!"

Sawyer scowled. "Alright, what about the time I dived from the helicopter to..."

"DU--UDE!" Charlie leaped to his feet and stuffed his hand over Sawyer's mouth. "_Spoilers!" _

"We're on SEASON 5! Anyone who's not caught up by now should be shot!" Sawyer retorted. At this point, he casually flicked a rock over in Locke's direction and was satisfied to hear a girlish shriek coming from the bushes.

"NO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOO!" Kate's panicky voice interrupted their conversation. She ran into view, fists in her mouth and shot them a terrified look before continuing on her way. The two men exchanged a bewildered look, before getting to their feet and following her to the beach. She was obviously panicking over something and whatever it was, it had got her frazzled.

"JESUS WOMAN!" Desmond suddenly screamed. "WILL YOU CALM DOWN AND CHOOSE A FRIGGIN' GUY!?"

"What?" Kate looked confused. "Have you been sniffing Charlie's 'magic dust' again?" Desmond nodded and then proceeded to wink in the ex-junkie's direction, earning him the finger and a stream of profanities.

"You told me you quit!" Claire spun around and backhanded Charlie viciously. Sawyer sniggered and immediately found the blonde, Australian was wrestling him to the ground. Locke grinned as chaos began to fall over the castaways and proceeded to punch a fellow survivor who'd once called him 'Jack' by accident.

"Oh for *beeps* sake!?" Kate snapped as she rolled her eyes. It was just typical really; Jack had only been gone for three minutes, if that, and already people were starting to argue over the most stupid and pathetic of things.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER?!" Desmond suddenly screeched, pointing viciously in Sawyer's direction. The conman smirked and beckoned at him tauntingly. The Scotsman let out a string of swear words and curse words, plus the odd random insult such as 'you mother crushing, bag of horse poop' and then flew over to Sawyer in a swift, agile movement, clutching him by the neck and shoving him back on the ground.

"I need a whistle," Kate sighed. "But I don't suppose the island is magic enough to conjure me up one!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY FATHER?!" Locke screeched at Kate.

"I didn't say anything about your father!" She yelled in exasperation. "I was talking about the island, so unless you're suggesting the island is your biological father..."

"For once, you hit the nail on the Jacob!" Locke retorted. "But I should also tell you..." he put on his best deep voice as he prepared to give Kate the most life-altering news that she'd ever, ever, ever receive, "I. AM. YOUR. MOTHER!" He looked pleased with himself at how deep and masculine his voice sounded.

"WHAT?!" Kate screamed at him. "How is that even POSSIBLE?"  
"Well, Claire and Jack are related." Locke shrugged. "Charlie's got a monkey for an uncle and Sawyer has a daughter, so I just thought I'd offer up some more diabolical and whacky theories about our people's families."

"What. Did. You. Say?" Claire growled. "Jack. Is. My. _BROTHER? THIS IS SO MESSED UP!?!" _

"This is Lost." Sawyer muttered under his breath and Charlie, the only man who had heard him, nodded fervently.

**-------------- **

"Right. Have we all calmed down now?" Kate asked calmly, appraising everyone. She eyed Sawyer appreciatively, who winked at her and licked his lips seductively. Charlie, seeing this, choked on his laughter and ended up on the floor with his hands around his neck as he struggled to breathe.

"Somebody call the doc," Sawyer sighed. "The chipmunk here needs reviving again."

"That's the whole point of this meeting!" Kate cried in exasperation, glad that they had finally come to the problem she'd been trying to tell them. "Jack...HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!"

_**DUM, DUM, DUUUUUM. **_

Everyone looked around in interest as to where the scary noise had come from. Jin had been in the process of battering a fish to dish, but had become distracted by the noise and had ended up slapping Bernard around the face with it. Rose had suddenly launched herself at Sun, crying out like an Indian and the bitch fight that evolved from that, distracted everyone from Kate's meeting.

Needless to say, Kate was pretty pissed off.

"Thanks for reviving me," Charlie called out sourly. "I had to thump my own damn chest. How does Jack do it, seriously? And more importantly, where the hell is he?"  
"Jack is gone," Locke replied dreamily. "He has gone to a better place, far away from here. And me!" He added as an afterthought. Kate looked as though she wanted to slap him, as her hand was trembling by her side.

"Is he dead?" Charlie enquired. Kate shook her head and proceeded to explain that Jack's tent was deserted and all that remained of his stuff, was a small note.

"What did this note say?" Claire asked eagerly. "Was it mine and Charlie's fabulous note that somehow never, ever got found during the course of the show?"

"No." Kate snapped. "This is what it says." She took the piece of paper and proceeded to read off of it. "_Dear all, _

_Jack has been kidnapped. You won't ever get him back. HA HA! Oh and by the way...I CAN SEE YOU ALL!! HA HA HA HA HA! _

_Signed, As If I'm Going To Tell You My Name." _

Kate's lips trembled as she finished the note. She looked around at everyone's faces, assessing everyone's reactions to the news that their glorious leader was gone. Nobody, to her outrage, looked particularly bothered by this piece of tragic and outrageous news.

"What's so funny?" She snarled when she saw that Charlie and Sawyer were snickering about something. "Come on, share it with the group!"

"Nothing, nothing." Charlie replied hastily. "It's just that..." he started to crack up, "I was thinking of naming _my_ child, As If I'm Going To Tell You My Name!" He roared with laughter and so did Sawyer. In fact, half the camp ended up hysterical with laughter.

Locke, however, was immobile with shock. His eyes kept darting around in fear and his arms were wrapped around his chest as he started rocking backwards and forwards, muttering, "We're being watched. No one safe," over and over again.

"Methinks we need a new leader," Charlie announced, rising to his feet in an attempt to look heroic. "A better one. Like me!" Immediately, that statement provoked an uproar. Half the camp were laughing at the idea of Charlie being leader and the other half...well they had formed a mob just for something to do.

"I'll tell you what, chuckles," Sawyer replied slowly. "We'll have an election. I'll run against ya, cause otherwise this story becomes pointless. We are meant to be against each other, after all." He winked at no one in particular. Ben suddenly came charging out of the trees and suddenly yelled, "TA-DAAAA!"

When no one reacted, he took a gun and shot Locke. "See the amazing undead man!" He announced. "I've shot him about 54 times and he's not died once! I AM AMAZING!" He did a touchdown dance until someone, most likely the author, threw a pineapple at him to calm him down.

"Ben wants to run for leader too," Juliet came into the camp as well, her long blonde hair tied back. She winked at Sawyer meaningfully and then rolled her eyes as Ben attemped to impress her with cartwheels. "I can't understand why, since he has a perfectly good camp of his own."

"Ju-li-et," Ben whined childishly. "I've manipulated _everyone _in that camp, it's getting boring now. I need some new victims to torture." Here, he eyed Charlie meaningfully and made a hanging gesture, causing the younger man to leap to his feet and flee the scene, yelling, "IT BURNS US! IT BURRRNS US, PRECIOUS!"

"Does _anyone _know what he's on about when he yells that kind of stuff?" Kate asked everyone in exasperation, grabbing her hair in frustration. Everyone shook their head apart from Sawyer, who slyly hid his copy of _Lord of The Rings _behind his back...

**-------------- **

"My fellow Americans," Sawyer began but he didn't get very far due to the fact that people were yelling at him about their true nationalities.

"_I'm Australian, _you_ koala bear!' _Yelled Claire, waving an angry fist in his direction.

"We're _Korean, _you _noodle brain!" _Sun and Jin chorused, glaring at the conman with the utmost loathing.

"Yeah, and _I'M BLOODY BRITISH!" _Charlie screeched. "You..._MASH POTATO HEAD!" _

Sawyer groaned and then began his speech again. "Ok then, my fellow people of different nationalities and racial background..."

"HE SAID RACIAL!" Locke yelled in shock. "He's being _racist _and the punishment for that...is death." He chuckled under his breath and ignored the fact that Kate was rolling her eyes at him, Charlie was sniggering at his traditional beliefs and Sawyer was banging his head against a tree, looking utterly frustrated.

"Ok, ok!" He eventually yelled. "I _was _going to tell you what I would do if elected as island president but you're such a bad audience, I'm going to keep it short and sweet. Vote for me and you'll be entitled to 0.000001 percent of my stash, whereas if you don't your total percentage remains at a pathetic zero." He finished, glaring at each individual who had dared to interrupt him during his speech.

Ben was next. His speech began in an interesting manner, including some threatening gestures towards Charlie and then a big smirk towards Claire and the baby she held in her arms.

"Ok, you know who I am and who I represent," he began, smiling darkly at everyone. "It's clear that if you want to live, you vote for me and if you don't, I'll make sure that every single one of you ends up as an extra on Doctor Who." He cackled evilly, smirking at Juliet who looked bored at his behaviour.

Claire, who'd made an "I LOVE CHARLIE" banner, glared at him and raised her banner up high. Sun, who'd done the same with an added "BECAUSE JIN SMELLS OF FISH", decided it was time to show off her cheerleading skills. She did a backwards flip and then 3 consecutive cartwheels, singing:

"_Give me a C...H...A _

_The man who plays guitar all day _

_Give me a R...L...I _

_The best for president guy _

_And finally we end on an E _

_The best British star in history! _

_GOOOOO CHARLIE!!" _

"I don't understand," Jin muttered slowly. "She...loves...him?"

"I wouldn't read too much into it, Brucey," Sawyer muttered to him. "Just last week, she was singing about how Locke should marry the island, you should get a proper job and that I should stop reading so much or my eyes will explode."

Jin's eyes widened in surprise and he stared at his wife in awe, not sure what to do with a singing, cartwheeling wife.

Ben ended his speech and allowed Charlie to pass by him, whispering, "rope is very easy to make my friend," and laughing cruelly as he watched the younger man wince.

"My fellow Americans, Australians, Britons, Koreans, Canadians and others," Charlie began, noticing the previously insulted people smiled at him in approval. "I do not ask for much in life, only the strength to help others and be counted upon to be a reliable friend."

"Oh, pur-lease," Sawyer muttered. "Not the soppy, 'I have a dream' speech again."

"Now ask yourselves this," Charlie continued, ignoring the interruption. "Would you rather have a liar, a conman and a dark, evil human being as your leader, or someone that you can trust and rely on?"

"Trust _you? _You stole Aaron, you _babynapper_!" Someone, probably Sawyer, yelled.

"I earned my redemption," Charlie shot back. "Because I knew I was wrong. Sawyer, he keeps conning and conning and as for Ben, well he's an Other. Doesn't that sum up everything that's wrong about him?"

Claire cheered and whooped for him and Sun continued to wave her arms and sing joyfully about Charlie, completely forgetting that he had been the one who had attacked her, once upon a time.

Charlie concluded his speech with a winning smile and then went to stand by Kate, who squeezed his hand reassuringly and then smirked at Sawyer who looked more than just a bit pissed off.

**-------------- **

"How do you play, boxman?" Desmond asked, glancing at the game before him in bewilderment. Locke smirked at him, glad to have an advantage over the Scotsman.

"Two sides. One dark, one white." He explained slowly, as though addressing a moron. "That's all I told Walt and that's all I'm telling you. BOO-YEAH!"

"Did you really just yell '_boo-yeah' _?" Desmond asked distastefully. "I thought 9 year old boys did that. A grown man can't-"

"Don't. Ever. Tell. Me. What. I. Can't. Do!" Locke snapped.

"Jeez, how did I know _that _was coming?" Desmond muttered. Bored, he decided to flick a random rock up against the tree, not knowing that it would bounce off and hit Locke on the head.

"That is the second time that's happened today!" The older man wailed, running out of the room whilst muttering about the unfairness of life and how he should've accepted the other job he'd been offered on _Grey's Anatomy_.

"Morning Desmond," Kate came over to the scotsman and smiled at him. "How are you today?"

"Cut the crap, sista and tell me who ya need to con and why?"

Kate frowned slightly, wondering if she was becoming too much like Sawyer. She shook off that thought and smiled again, a tight, thin-lipped smile. "I need you to help me rig the voting system, so that Charlie becomes leader and not Sawyer."

"Why?" Desmond looked genuinely curious. "I would've thought you would have wanted Sawyer to win, not Wonderboy." He smiled triumphantly at his first successful attempt at a nickname. Kate rolled her eyes. She did not need another Sawyer on her hands.

"Yeah, but having Sawyer as leader is suicidal. We might as well surrender to the others, succumb to our fates and call each other freckles until the end of the world," she explained. "I want someone I can mani-, I mean I can depend on and rely on."

Desmond frowned but didn't say anything. He knew the real reason Kate wanted to rig the voting system; Charlie wasn't the brightest colour in the paintbox and he would be easy to manipulate if he thought he was doing it for a good reason. Hence why Kate wanted Charlie as leader not Sawyer.

"Ok," he said cheerily. "Let's do this sista! I've always wanted to dabble in politics." Kate smiled and whispered her plan into his ear.

**-------------- **

"Are you dead?" Miles enquired a frightened survivor by the name of Alicia. She shook her head and stared at him as if he were mad. He frowned and then moved onto the next person.

"Miles?" Dan ran up to him. "I've just had a woman collapse in my arms, convinced she was dead. Why are you asking people if they're dead or not?"

"Because I can sense a dead person here!" Miles spat. "Or someone who isn't a true Lostie. One of the two." He glared at everyone, finding no one innocent.

Dan, for the first time in his life, rolled his eyes. "I don't think frightening people is going to achieve anything. Besides, you've not asked the main people yet. Y'know, Charlie, Sawyer or Kate."

"NOT FORGETTING MEEEE!" Ben swooped in and smiled. "You gotta love Ben!"

Miles rolled his eyes. "Linus, you still owe me 3.2 million dollars. Remember, you dared me to run naked through the jungle and you promised you'd pay."  
"Yeah but Ben isn't exactly the most honest person in the world is he?" Interjected Dan, quietly laughing when Ben sent him an evil glare. "And you know it Mr Linus, so don't go looking at me like I came into your house on Christmas day and pissed on your dog."

"I don't have a dog."

"Irrelevant."

Miles shook his head at the absurdity of some people and decided in one thing, Dan was right. He needed to ask some of the main people what their life status was.

"Well, King Kong," Sawyer snarled, when asked. "Judging by the air that's entering my lungs and the fact that my chest is rising up and down, all evidence points to me being _alive._" Then he went away, muttering something about 'irritating hobbits', 'nosy chinese delivery men' and the fact that he could never get a moment's peace to himself.

"I'm alive, thank you very much." Kate spluttered, indignant of the question. "And I've no plans to change my status!"

Miles was fed up of being treated with contempt and mockery. There was a mystery to be solved and he had yet to ask Charlie, the woman with the baby and the Korean folk about their life status. There was a foul stench in the air and it wasn't to do with the fact that Hurley had made himself a thick sandwich with God-only-knows-what inside it.

Claire stumbled over her answer, not sure why the question was being asked. The Korean people stared at him as if he was a Martian asking for directions to the nearest beach. All that left was Charlie.

"How can I help you mate?" The Briton was cheerful enough, reminding Miles that he was the one to vote for.

"Are you dead, Charlie?"

Charlie froze and stared at him. "Why would you think I was dead?" He asked slowly.

"Because I have a feeling that someone here isn't who they appear to be, either referring to their life status or the fact that they are in another piece of media." Miles explained, puffing his chest out arrogantly and giving the Briton a smirk.

"Ah, that would be me," Charlie confessed. "I was in Lord of the Rings."

"The Lord of the what now?" Miles was confused. Charlie sighed emphatically and then grabbed the Chinese guy and shoved him against a tree, tired of people looking blank at the name of his last big movie.

"_Lord of the Rings! _It's a series of books written by one of the greatest authors ever," he snarled. "Became a set of three films. I played a hobbit by the name of Meriadoc Brandybuck, a.k.a Merry. It was a big trilogy on-screen and the last film won 11 Academy awards! I doubt anything anyone else has done has reigned in that kind of success." He ended on a smug note and his eyes became steel as he dared Miles to challenge him.

"You were meant to die," Miles replied quietly. "I wasn't referring to the media. In a few days now, the Others will come up with another diabolical plan to steal Hurley's cookie recipe and then Jack, if he ever returns, will end up making another plan to kill them by brutally making voodoo dolls of them and then shoving them down a well. He'll ask you to go down into the ocean and fetch something from the station and you'll end up drowning."

"Ha! And Kate will finally make a decision between Jack and Sawyer." Charlie snorted. "Dream on, mate. You just want some hobbit love, doncha? Admit it."

Miles glared at him, wondering if this guy was actually being serious. When he realised he was, he smiled sheepishly and said, "yeah."

"Well, tough. You ain't getting any." Charlie smirked. "I know I play a questionably heterosexual hobbit but that doesn't mean you can take my innocence away."

"Innocence?" Miles snorted. "This isn't prison, Charlie the Virtuous but fine. I'll go bother the fat guy, 'cause at least _he _talks to me." With his pride ruffled and dignity shattered, he stalked off to bother someone else.

**-------------- **

"Gather round, gather round!" Kate called. "It's results time!" She skipped around, looking unusually happy and no one thought to ask why. The votes were fixed, Charlie was the sure winner and she was looking forward to making sure certain demands were fixed in place. For example, making sure everyone sung about the joys of sex every night.

"I think this is going to be a disaster," Jin spoke to Sun in Korean. "I don't think anyone will win and no one will be happy that I managed to persuade people to put in a new candidate."

"Who'd you put in?" Sun asked but Jin merely smirked and went over to the makeshift stage where the results were being announced.

"Ok," Kate cleared her throats. "The results are as followed. Sawyer, no votes."

"_Son of a BITCH!"_ The conman cursed and he took out his anger by kicking Hurley in the back of the knees so he ended up tumbling over.

"Ben, one vote."

"HA! Victory is mine, fools!" Ben cackled. Some people rolled their eyes, others merely ignored the chocolate bunny obsessed man.

"Charlie, 12 votes." That promptly wiped the smirk off of Ben's face.

"And, it seems we have a new candidate." Kate stared in shock at the number of votes this last candidate had received. "Vincent the dog, 30 votes." Shit. How did that happen? Where was Desmond and why hadn't he fixed the votes?

"Shorry, shishta!" Speak of the devil. He emerged, looking out of his face and clutching a bottle of whiskey. "The whishkey jusht called out to me and I-I couldnae help myshelf." He slurred his words and then giggled at Charlie's face, which was a picture of disappointment.

Kate began to lunge at him, infuriated by his lack of propriety and his alcholicalism, if that was even a word.  
"Leave him alone!" A very familiar voice called out. Kate spun round, Desmond fell over and Charlie started stammering as though he had seen a ghost. It was Jack. A taller, more rugged Jack but Jack all the same.

"We've been here for six days..." he began.

"Erm, try 3 months you jackass." Sawyer corrected him.

"And all we're still waiting. Waiting for someone to come and rescue us."

"Er, no. We've given up, in case you haven't noticed."

Jack ignored this interruption. "We need to start figuring things out."

"We have. We've figured out you're a jackass and we were about to elect a new leader."

"WHAT?!" Jack finally looked shocked. He glared at Kate who blushed but didn't give him an apologetic look. "Who did you elect to replace me, huh? HUH?"

"Erm, the dog." Charlie took over and enjoyed the look of absolute shock and anger that flooded the doctor's face.

"YOU THOUGHT THE DOG WOULD BE A BETTER LEADER THAN ME?!!!"

"Run," Kate commanded everyone under her breath. And they did.

**A/n- sorry for the delay but my comp has had...issues. I know this hasn't got a lot of charlie/sawyer in it but this idea just toyed with me. Reviews will make me update faster, *hint* *hint* :DD**


	15. Chapter 15 The Fanpire Strikes Back!

**The Fanpire Strikes Back! **

_**Inspired by and dedicated to **__**Mrs Sawyer.**_

**Geez you guys are the ****BEST!** _69 _**responses to a **_14 _**chaptered fic! I cant do that kind of math!!! If I could individually throttle you with a hug I would! Lol, some of your reviews make me giggle, some make me want to scream with happiness and ALL of you are just plain ****awesome.** **My writing doesn't make this good, it's **_**you guys and gals. **_

_**The fanpire strikes back:- **__includes Charlie finding a new career, Sawyer getting attacked...again, Jack finally making a new friend and a series of strange incidences occurring to our losties. Could it be our fanpire is striking back? Sit back and find out... _

-----------------

"HA!" Charlie almost wet himself laughing, so full of mirth was he. He stared at the screen before him and then rolled around in the chair, yelling with glee. It was at this point that Sawyer walked in. He stopped, took one look and then half turned.

"God, it's like a zoo in here." He muttered. The sound of his sarcastic voice alerted Charlie to his presence and he leaped from the chair and ran to hug Sawyer, to both of their surprise. "O...kay. You feelin' lonely or do I just look particularly gay today?"

"Both." Charlie smirked at him. "Mostly the latter one though." He ducked as Sawyer made to swat him. "What shall we do today my partially homosexual friend?"

"You do know that half of the world's population of girls will kill themselves if that was true?" Sawyer retorted with a smirk. "Now, are you going to tell me what you found so funny?"

"I have just read the most funny fanfiction e_ver!_" Charlie declared, wiping away a tear of joy. "Funnily enough, it was about you."

"Ok, lemme see!" Sawyer shoved Charlie out of the way and stared at the computer screen. Yes, it was a story about himself but what was so...? Oh God. He groaned and then yelled in annoyance at the fact that, according to this story, not only was he gay with Sayid, he was married to fourteen different women, all identifying themselves as _Mrs Sawyer _and he owned a pet dolphin called Floppy.

"It's absolutely hilarious." Charlie choked, grabbing the chair for support as the waves of laughter caught up with him. "And, the funny thing is, I could _actually _see this happening!"

"God _no!_" Sawyer vowed. "Ok, let's find one of you." He clicked off the story and browsed the various stories on **Fanfiction **_dot_ **net**. The first one he found was a fluffy Charlie and Claire story, the second one was too disturbing for words but he couldn't torment Charlie with it because, well, _he _featured heavily in it. "_A-HA! _Charlie boy, prepare to eat your own words."

Charlie stared at the chosen story and read the first line carefully: _"On a hot summer's day, Charlie decided to go for a long swim. Jack came up to him and suddenly put his arm-" _As soon as Charlie read the next few words, he was out of the hatch and running as fast he could, screaming "_MY EYES! MY EYES!" _It was sick, _sick! _

"This gives me an idea!" Sawyer cackled, slipping away after his comrade with a huge smirk on his face.

-----------------

"Ok, so we both yell Yatzhee?" Jack asked cautiously. He was slowly but surely gaining friends. Well, I say friend_s, _so far he'd only managed to convince Sun that he was a good guy and yet she was as mad as a bicycle with five wheels.

"Yes." Sun replied impatiently, itching to play this new game.

"And we both flap our wrists?"

"_Yes._"

Jack stared at her doubtfully. "And you'll do it too?"

"Of course, that's how it's done." Sun replied, thinking to herself about what a total idiot he was and concealing a secret smile. Of course she wasn't going to do it and Jack was a fool to believe that she would.

"Ok, on the count of three?" Jack took the lead, as usual, and Sun smiled in encouragement. "One...two...three." He rolled the dice, flapped his wrists and yelled, _"YAHTZEE!" _

"Gay." Sun muttered, not doing it herself.

"You suck!" Jack retorted, fuming at his own idiocy. All of a sudden, his head shot up and his nostrils flared. He flickered his gaze left, then right and finally focused in on the sky.

"What is it?" Sun snapped, noticing he resembled a cow at feeding time.

"Haven't you noticed it?" Jack murmured. "There's something afoot in the wind. The huddled masses are yearning to be free, to launch themselves upon the weak and needy and satisfy their hunger by preying on those who cannot defend themselves."

"Have you been at the plane fuel again?" Sun asked, staring at him as if he had gone mad.

"No." Jack said shortly. "But if you think I'm mad, look up at the sky and tell me those helicopters aren't filled with fanatical people ready to throw us all into chaos."

Sun did as he had bid and stared up at the sky. Yes, she could see the helicopters and yes they were filled with, dare she say it, _fans. Not again_. She grabbed Jack's hand and led him into hiding, both of them screaming in terror. All Jin could think as he watched his wife run away with yet _another _man was how he should've married a fish instead. It would've been a hell of a lot more loyal.

-----------------

"So, we are competing against each other for who can write the better fanfiction?" Charlie asked dubiously. "Ok, but what are the rules? Does it have to be about anything specific?"

"Use your imagination chuck." Sawyer replied with a grin. "But if it's anything about me, I'll kill ya."

"The same to you, my good sir." Charlie replied with a mock bow. Both of them turned aside and sniggered.

"I'll be-eth the judge." Locke reminded them. "If a single bad word enters the text, I have stolen Jack's VIS to punish you. Just look at what happened to the last man who caused me to lose my temper." He gestured to a dancing Eko, who was chanting, "I'm a good boy. Locke rules all" over and over.

"Fair enough." Sawyer agreed to the deal, followed by a suddenly hesitant Charlie. "Any restrictions on how-" he stopped in mid-sentence because he wondered if he was just imagining his name being called, or rather _chanted_. Charlie stared at the ceiling, noticing how it shook as if a thousand legs were marching or running on the earth above the hatch. Even Locke became apprehensive.

"I'm going to go check this out," Sawyer decided. "You stay and work on your piece, Charlie." And without another word, he went off on another adventure. He went out the door and didn't realise he had stumbled into a trap until his feet went flying and he was hoisted upside down. A group of giggling girls, some as young as _8, _surrounded him.

"What shall we do?" One asked with a wicked grin. "Paint his toenails?"

"Nah." Another disagreed. "We've already done that to Desmond. Come on girls, we should do something totally outrageous. Something that will knock the others_ dead!" _

Another girl stepped out of the crowd, her face filled with an unsurpressed joy at seeing Sawyer upside down. She reached out, tugged off his shirt and stared in wonder at his beautiful body.

"Hello, Sawyer." She smiled. "Isn't it a coincidence? My name is _Mrs Sawyer _and I'm going to have some fun." In her hand she held a can of red hair dye, spray on style. Sawyer thrashed and tried to cut himself loose but it was futile. "Mrs Sawyer" grinned and cut him loose herself. The other girls pinned him to the floor, holding him down whilst she sprayed his hair a magnificent fiery red. And with a touch of pink for good measure.

"_NOOOOOOO! NOT MY HAIR!" _Sawyer moaned as he realised he was going to be the laughing stock of the island. Presuming everyone else had survived that was. Well, if he was going down, might as well take down Chuckles as well. "Charlie's down there, inside the hatch."

"_ARGH!" _A girl by the name of Alexa George yelped with excitement. "I need to see the hobbit dude!" She promptly disappeared, fuelled by the excitement of seeing her hero again. The last thing they all heard before she disappeared was the words, "_I LOVE THIS PLACE!" _Or it could've been _hobbits_, they weren't really paying attention.

"Who else is down there?" Mrs Sawyer questioned her 'husband'. "Some of us have bones to pick, fights to start etc."

"Only Johnny boy and Eko." Sawyer choked. "Please, I'm prepared to tell you _absolutely anything! _The secrets of Lost, who ends up with who, why everyone ends up dead, anything!!!"

Pi Kitty, a familiar sight to Sawyer, stepped forward, a pile of rocks in her hand. "Goody!" She squealed, "Now I can keep on inflicting pain and misery to Jack and Locke!" She skipped off and also disappeared.

Sawyer suddenly wished he had never stepped outside of the safety of the hatch. He just hoped the rest of the survivors were faring better.

-----------------

"What's the damage?" Jack enquired gravely. Sayid, after further inspection, reported five cases of kidnap, three of which had ended up with the castaways returning covered in lipstick marks. The other, as yet, had not been found. He also reported Jin being tied up and being forced to say, "Others" in his Korean accent over and over again as well as Desmond being escorted off by several girls to the jungle.

"Where's the smoke monster where you need him?" Sun demanded angrily. "Or Angry Lost Fan!"

Speak of the devils. As she finished speaking, the two she had just mentioned came running (or in Smokey's case, flying) towards them.

"Sorry we're late!" Angry Lost Fan called. "We were called into a sudden meeting. Smokey's just been offered a large part in season six!" She beamed proudly.

"I'm happy for you?" Jack offered, his eyes glancing at Smokey warily.

"Thanks." Smokey's big, deep voice was one they had all, surprisingly, missed. "We heard fans were coming. We came to save you."

"How do you intend on doing that?" Sayid asked, frustrated. "I tried torturing a girl who called herself "WarriorPrincess922" but she kicked my ass. Another girl, Grabeel's Girl, ended up setting me on fire and then running off with Desmond and finally, Pi Kitty threw rocks at me!" If he had been Jack, he would've been emotionally scarred by now but he was man enough to realise their problem couldn't be solved with tears.

"Where's Desmond? What happened to him?" Sun asked, glancing around.

"He went off with Grabeel's Girl and Smutyaoifan, of course." Jack shrugged. "Just like last time. Hurley's upset because all the chocolate has been taken, so he's crying in a corner somewhere. Shannon and Boone randomly appeared again because apparently someone claimed 'no one is really dead on this show' and dug them up." He chuckled lightly before becoming serious again.

"I say we make a bunch of Sawyer and Charlie dolls, then hurl them across the ocean." Sun suggested. "Then yell that Sawyer and Charlie are drowning and see what they do then."

"Why them two?" Sayid narrowed his eyes. "Why not the _real men?_" He shook his head when Sun glanced dubiously at Jack.

"Because it's all about them," she replied bitterly. "And I didn't get to cartwheel _once _during this chapter. I can't do it when fanatics are here." Out of frustration, possibly dislike as well, she whacked Jack around the back of the head with a wet fish, then did the same for Sayid, only because he'd been left out.

"Angry Lost Fan, will Sun's plan work?" Sayid asked, indignant at Sun's rash actions.

"Yes but you'll need to do it within twenty minutes." She replied, consulting her script.

"Why?"

Angry Lost Fan sighed impatiently. "Because I said so, dummy. Now shut up and go save the world." She beckoned for Smokey to follow her and then they both disappeared into the jungle.  
"THAT WAS HELPFUL!" Sayid yelled, gesturing wildly until he whacked his hand against a tree. _Then _he burst into tears.

-----------------

Charlie stared at the screen, almost done with his story. This is what he had written so far:-

_Charlie, the greatest guy ever, was walking Vincent when he saw Sawyer dressing up like a woman. He threw a wet fish at him and laughed as he spontaneously combusted. With Sawyer gone, he could rule the world. The End._

He worried about whether it was too long. Sawyer's was probably going to be much better, shorter and sweeter. Locke was either continuing his crossword, randomly flicking pencils at Charlie or getting out the VIS and pretending he was Jackie Chan.

"OH. MY. GOD!" Someone shrieked. Oh no, he'd know that voice anywhere. Alexa- he didn't have time to finish the thought because his hands and feet were tied up and he was being dragged out of the room. On the plus side, he did get a wonderful shot of Locke being used as target practice with rocks being the choice of weapon. Slightly cheered up, he whistled to himself until he found himself being tied up with a mysterious, fiery red haired man with about fifty rings on his fingers and a thousand lipstick marks all over his body.

"Stay right there!" Alexa George commanded, her voice breathless with excitement. "Gonna get my gal pals here!" She rushed off, leaving Charlie and his companion all alone.

"How did you get dragged into this mess?" The ex-rock star enquired, gazing at him sympathetically. "You clearly were on another TV show-"

"Ok, stop goofing around, Charlie. It's me." Sawyer replied bitterly. "Guess my look didn't give it away, did it?"

"_Nooooo!_" Charlie gasped. "Is it really you, Sawyer?" The embarrassed silence that followed confirmed it. First, tears began rolling down his face, followed by a rumbling in his throat. Then the laughter erupted. Charlie couldn't believe that Sawye had _friggin' red hair! _This was the best moment of his life...e_ver! _He erupted into hysterics, rolling around with laughter until he thought he would die.

"Yeah, ha de ha ha." Sawyer replied, rolling his eyes. "You should've heard what they're planning for _you_." That wiped the smirk off his adversary's face.

"What are they planning for me?" Charlie whispered, his face a picture of fear and terror.

"Nothing. I just wanted to see your face." Sawyer snorted, loving the art of lying and conning. "Can you remember your fanfiction story, munchkin? I've got mine in my head."

"Yes I can, it's a masterpiece." Charlie said proudly. He relayed his story to Sawyer and watched his face flicker between anger and amusement, finally settling on the latter emotion.

"Well, that's just swell." He replied patronisingly. "If _only _you'd written it down, we could've stuck it on the fridge in the hatch!" Charlie scowled, clearly feeling the sarcasm.

"Ok, let's hear yours then, Mr Dickens." He said, stung.

Sawyer coughed loudly and then proceeded to tell his story. "Once upon a time," he began. "There was an annoying flea called Charlie. Sawyer, the best bachelor the island has ever seen, proceeded to squash him and everyone called him a hero. He laughed, drank beer and ended up with Kate. The end."

"Ooh that was good." Charlie admitted. "Bit long wasn't it?"

"That's what _she _said." Sawyer shot back, roaring with laughter at his own crude sense of humour. Charlie rolled his eyes.

-----------------

Sayid walked around the beach, shock on his face and his eyes welling up at the sight before him. Jin was now a beautiful purple in colour and had gone mad from his experience of being kidnapped. He was sitting, cross legged, singing 'I Feel So Pretty' over and over again. Further along the beach, Vincent was being petted and fondled to his heart's content so there were no problems in _that _department. The fan girls had taken the bait, just as Sun had predicted. With the wails of '_NOOOO! NOT AGAIN!' _and '_If Sawyer drowns, I swear I'll NEVER watch Lost again!' _they had rushed onto their helicopters, currently searching the ocean for Sawyer and Charlie. Sayid was doing the same but on land. He'd not seen them two all afternoon, it was getting a bit suspicious.

"Please help me!" A desperate Boone was on his knees, wheedling and whining at Sayid. "I just wanna go back to my cool grave and _rest! _No one will let me though."

"No time to play bury the Boone at the moment," Sayid muttered. "Gotta find Sawyer and Charlie. You seen them?"

"Nope." Boone replied. "Shan't tell you nothing!" He then proceeded to storm off, muttering under his breath the words 'stupid torturer'.

Sayid scoured the beach and realised that he was going to have to search the entire jungle for a con man and a sodding junkie. Super. He saw that Claire was being harassed by fans, either yelling at her to get back with Charlie or asking whether she was dead or alive in season five. Sayid shook his head and decided intervention was foolish.

It turned out that he only had to walk for about ten minutes into the jungle before he found them. Well, he found Charlie but he had no idea who the red haired man was. Another character from another TV show perhaps? Then the man's head turned and Sayid realised it was Sawyer. He was stunned into silence.

"N-nice hairdo!" Was the last two words he ever said before the internal laughter caused him to explode.

Whilst Sawyer looked shocked at this, Charlie kept smiling because inside Sayid, there had been a secret stash of candy. All along Sayid had been their very own pinata!

"Great, what do we do now?" Sawyer asked sourly. "Our only hope, albeit was Sayid, is now dead due to too much laughter and we are still tied up!"

"I've been loose all this time." Charlie announced. "The girls must've forgotten to tie me up." Sawyer stared at him incredulously. "What?!"

"You mean," Sawyer spoke slowly through gritted teeth. "That we've been tied up for _five hours _for absolutely _nothing. _We could've escaped at any time?"

"Yes, yes, yes." Charlie dismissed the idea impatiently. "But I thought it would be good for our relationship to get a bit of interaction going." He quickly untied Sawyer after seeing the look on his face.

"Well, if it's interaction you want," Sawyer pretended to be thoughtful and calm. "Cop a load of this." And with that, he swung his fist back and punched Charlie in the face. "Is that good enough for you?" He smirked and said aside, to the fanfiction readers, "you don't know just how _long _I've waited to do _that!" _


	16. Chapter 16 How to Kill A Life

**How to Kill A Life **

_How to kill a life: involving one of our lost castaways dying in a very, very, very strange way, Jack and Locke arguing over golf, the extent of Desmond's alcoholism being revealed and Jack receiving many, many, many paper cuts. _

"Ok, I've got one," Sawyer suddenly said, as he lazily flicked a fly away. "If you had to, if you _had _to, kiss a guy, who would it be and why? And this guy has to be on this island, by the way."

Charlie thought carefully about his answer, not really wanting to think about which of his male friends he'd want to kiss. It was, however, an improvement on I Never, where the poor Briton had been humiliated as Sawyer had named everything he'd seemed to have done, every one of his worst deeds came into light. First it'd been, "I've never kidnapped a baby", progressing to "I've never attacked a Korean woman in the middle of a thunderstorm" and ending on, "I've never done the whole 'sex, drugs 'n' rock 'n' roll' phase".

"Probably you," Charlie confessed, blushing as he spoke.

Sawyer looked like he was thoroughly enjoying himself as opposed to feeling discomforted. "And why?"

"Because Jack is just, well ugh, really," Charlie listed, "and Sayid would probably torture me if I even tried to kiss him. I'd never get to the kissing part. Locke's just an old, bald git who I'd love to hit with a shovel and I think Sun would murder me if I tried to kiss Jin. Oh and Hurley...just no in that department. Bless him," he added as an afterthought.

"Yeah but why me?" Sawyer pressured. "I mean I know I'm a sex God and all, but why would you, Charlie Pace, select moi?"

"Because you're a git," Charlie replied simply, with a small grin. "And you enjoy watching me suffer and plus you're the closest friend I've got at the moment. Everyone else seems to be avoiding me for some reason."

"Probably 'cause you said you'd actually kiss a guy." Sawyer suddenly grinned. "You know you did have the option of saying "no one", Charlie. It's interesting that you didn't pick that up."

He didn't get chance to chortle because a mop of blondish brown hair charged towards him and performed a spectacularly painful head butt in his stomach. With a loud '_oof' _he fell to the ground and watched, somewhat pitifully, as Charlie attempted to beat him up. The actual fall made him wince in pain but the ex-rock star's attempts at getting comeuppance were truly pathetic, almost laughable really.

A loud _cha-ching _noise made them both freeze. It seemed to come from further down the beach, past where Jin and Sun usually fished. Nobody else, it seemed, had heard the noise so they both rose to their feet. Sawyer strode down the beach followed by a slightly more intimidated Charlie. As they turned the corner, they saw a strange looking machine plopped precariously in the sand, slanted to one side as though it was going to fall over.

"Cool, they got my request for a Pacman machine!" Sawyer crowed in delight. He ran over to the machine and hugged it, before realizing that it wasn't a Pacman machine after all. It wasn't really an arcade game of any sorts. It was just a dull, grey machine which resembled more of a washing machine than an arcade game.

"What's that sticking out of it?" Charlie asked, pointing to a slip of paper that had popped out of the machine. He went over and picked it up, reading it aloud as Sawyer looked over his shoulder.

_Hello boys, _

_You don't know who I am so don't ask! Because you're absolutely hopeless at coming up with fun challenges, I thought I'd step in. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write down the most creative death for a character you don't like or find annoying. The only rule is that there are NO rules. Enjoy. The winner gets to see the death performed exactly as they have written it and afterwards, unfortunately, we'll resuscitate the character. _

_ Have fun! Please place finished entries inside the machine once you've completed the task. The Big Three will decide who has written the most creative death. The big three, of course, being Jacob, Smokey and Angry Lost Fan. _

_Byeeeee!! _

Charlie stared at the piece of paper and then at Sawyer. Both of them wore identical gob smacked expressions. On the one hand, they were astonished that the island had magically conjured up a machine just to entertain them with and so, knowing there had to be a catch somewhere, they weren't sure whether to trust it or not. On the other hand, the idea of writing a creative death for their enemies was very tantalizing. So much so that Sawyer started stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"I say we accept this challenge, mon ami," he declared. "After all, it's better than just playing I Never and Truth or Dare all the time."

"I agree," Charlie replied. "Especially after that last dare you gave me." He shuddered. "I don't think Hurley's too happy with his straight hair."

Speak of the devil, he thought as a straight haired Hurley walked by. Sawyer hid a snigger and gave a mock friendly wave as Hurley turned to look at them.Hurley glared at both of them and stalked off, his new hippy look causing the few people that were on the beach to stop and stare.

"That was priceless," Sawyer chuckled. "I can't believe you managed to get away with it! How did you do it? Get him while he was sleeping?"

Charlie shook his head. "During his snack time."

They both grinned knowingly and then decided to get started on their pieces. They shot off in opposite directions, both of them wanting their work hidden from the mocking eyes of the other. Sawyer shot off towards the hatch whilst Charlie decided to grab his guitar and find a cool spot in the shade somewhere.

Sawyer couldn't decide between killing off Jack or Frogurt, the annoyingly whiny man who lived between Hurley and Jack. His frustration became so great that he decided to write down all the names of the people he knew and pick it out of a hat he, erm, borrowed from Claire. What? Blue was _his_ colour and girly hats were the new caps this season, according to Angry Lost Fan. He grabbed some sheets of paper and ripped them into small pieces writing down the names of everyone he knew on to them. He then placed the papers into the hat and shuffled it vigorously. After a good shuffle, he closes his eyes and reached in and carefully picked out a piece of paper. When he saw whose name was written on the piece of paper, he half laughed, half moaned aloud. Crap.

_Claire Littleton. _

Charlie was going to murder him for this but, he reasoned, Chuckie might've come up with a more creative death than him. There would be no need for Claire to be slaughtered and he would get off Scot free. Hopefully. Things never went the way you planned on this island, as Sawyer himself realized by now. Who was he kidding? He was going to get battered into hell and beyond.

Meanwhile, Charlie had already selected his victim. He'd failed at beating up Sawyer...now he was going to kill him. Literally. A loud, uncharacteristically evil cackle escaped his mouth and he quickly stifled it. He looked around and then started writing. How creative a death could he write up in an hour? Several ideas popped into his head, none of them creative enough.

"Heya, box man," a Scottish voice slurred. "Oh, wait. Wrong person. It's Charrrr-lee."

"Hey, Desmond," Charlie replied grumpily. "Leave me alone ya pillock."

"Watcha writing?" Desmond asked, swinging an empty bottle of whiskey around and around. "Is it a poem about me?"

"Funnily enough, Des," Charlie snapped, looking annoyed. "It's not. I'm trying to kill Sawyer and you're not _helping!_" He picked up his pen and paper and stormed off, leaving a slightly drunk Desmond behind.

The Scotsman swayed a little bit, looking like he was going to throw up and then he suddenly grinned. "Nah. He's fibbing. It's a poem about me for sure. Doesn't wanna give it away." He chuckled in childish delight and then skipped away, humming _Wonderwall _loudly as he did so.

-----------------------------------------

"I wasn't!" Jack shrieked.

"You were!" Locke insisted, sounding frustrated.

"I bloody well wasn't!"

"You bloody well were!"

"I bloody, bloody, bloody wasn't!" Jack looked murderously angry, so much so that Kate and Sun took two steps back as the men started glaring at each other.

"Jack, you were _out_!" Locke informed him.

"But how do _you _know?" Jack wanted to know.

"Because I saw it," Locke replied in a tone that suggested Jack was either mad as a hat or blind.

"No you didn't," Jack retorted. "You weren't even there! John, you weren't even on the _field._"

"Yes, I was."

"No, you weren't. John, you were in the _caves._"

Locke flushed as he realized this was true. "Ah, yes," he admitted. "I know, er, Sayid told me."

Jack sighed, as if he were dealing with a mere child instead of a grown man. "Sayid was Captain of the _opposite team!_"

"Ah, yes," Locke admitted. "But he promised to let me play next time, so I didn't want to ruffle his feathers."

Kate and Sun exchanged a look as if to say, _men! They'll pick a fight over anything, including a stupid game of golf! _

"Everyone knows I'm great at golf," Jack insisted. "Ask anyone. Charlie, Hurley...they'll both tell you I'm great at golf!"

Locke rolled his eyes. "Great examples of golf experts," he said sarcastically. "A man who can't even bend down to pick up a golf ball properly and a British man with about as much golfing experience as an empty chocolate bar wrapper."

"And you're, what, a champion?" Jack returned. "God, Locke, you're so delusional it's unbelievable. Sometimes, when I see you, I just want to-"

"Cry?" Locke suggested mockingly. "Shoot yourself? Yell at a tree?"

Jack scowled at him, clearly unimpressed. "Ha, ha, ha," he responded bitterly. "I was going to say punch you in the face, actually."

Locke gave him a _yeah right _kind of look, snorted with disbelief and then wandered off. The two men, Kate and Sun thought, were obviously going through some kind of man period. The classic signs were there; the violent mood swings (really, really violent), the constant yelling, Jack's crying phases lasting longer than a few minutes, Locke's phase of worshipping everything that wasn't man made causing him to challenge Jack's scientific beliefs on a daily basis...it was all there.

"I'm going off to yell at a tree," Jack suddenly announced. "Now that Mr Unadventurous over here has suggested it, I actually feel like doing it." And with that, he stormed off.

"That's our dear, beloved leader," Locke simpered mockingly, also storming off but in the opposite direction but not before muttering, "Desmond would make a better leader and _that's _saying something!"

Kate shook her head and turned to share an exasperated look at Sun, who had vanished.

"Why does everyone leave me standing in the middle of a BITCHIN' jungle?" She yelled, stomping her feet and looking extremely sulky.

"Because we don't like you very much," someone replied, laughing really loudly.

"Sawyer!" She yelled. "Get the BITCHIN' HELL out here now!"

"Bitchin'?" He questioned, as he emerged out of the bushes. "Freckles, that's a naughty word, y'know. Some of us with sensitive ears don't like to hear that kind of trashy talk."

She rolled her eyes. "Ha, ha, Sawyer," she sarcastically replied. "Joke's over. What the hell were you doing in the bushes?"

"First of all, enjoying the marvellous argument between Captain Hair and the Doc," Sawyer chuckled. "Secondly, admiring the fantastic painting of "Miss Fugitive Yelling In The Jungle" and thirdly, I needed inspiration."

He sat down and beckoned her to sit by him, pulling her down when she refused. A small, reluctant laugh escaped out of her mouth as she tumbled into his arms. Pulling away, she sat up and stared at him, frowning at something he had just said.

"What do _you, _of all people, need inspiration for?" She asked. "It's not like you compose epic love poems or are a secret Shakespeare. Far from it." She laughed at the thought, causing a small, insincere scowl to emerge on the conman's face.

"Alright, freckles," he said, frowning at her. "What do _you _think I need inspiration for? I was gonna tell ya, but now you're not cool enough to know."

Now it was her turn to frown. "I don't want to know you're little secret," she said coldly. "I've got plans with Jack."

If she was trying to hurt him, it wasn't working. He tilted his head to one side, as if to examine her and then threw back his head and roared with laughter. "You mean the guy who's now yelling at a tree? And not even a fully grown one as well! You sure know how to pick 'em, Kate!"

She punched him lightly in the shoulder and stalked off, fed up of men, the jungle, men, the island and men! Sawyer grinned as she flung her middle finger up at him before she disappeared and then frowned as he stared at the blank page before him. Several times he made a start but became angry and scrunched up the page, flinging it in Jack's direction. Everytime he did this, he would have the immense satisfaction of hearing Jack scream, "ARGH! PAPER CUT, PAPER CUT!"

-------------------------------------------------

Charlie wasn't having any better luck with his piece, although he had come up with an opening sentence. _Sawyer was walking along in the jungle, looking like a prat in his chicken outfit. _It was a good, hilarious start and he hoped he'd get his way and see it performed. He envisioned it now and it put a huge grin on his face.

"What you smirking at, Chuckles?" Someone's voice, deep as a mountain cave, boomed.

"Go away, Ben," Charlie replied without looking up. "Just because you never hit puberty doesn't mean you have to go scaring the living bejesus out of people."

Ben came out of the clearing and pouted. "Aw, why'd you have to be mean?" He whined. "I was bored and so was Juliet so we thought we'd come and visit you awful lot."

"Leave me out of this," Juliet intervened, walking next to Ben and rolling her eyes. "I'm just here because I can't get the hell off this island."

Ben rolled his eyes but chose not to answer. "What ya doin?" He inquired, looking over Charlie's shoulder at what he'd written. "Hey! You stole that from my book!"

"What book?" Juliet and Charlie asked simultaneously. They stared at each other and narrowed their eyes, not too keen on each other.

"My book," Ben replied, "called Why Being An Other Kicks Ass! I'm in talks with the Big Three at the moment about publishing it. Needless to say I think it'll be a bestseller."

Charlie stared at him as if he were crazy. "You know about the Big Three?" He asked in a hushed tone. "_The _Big Three?"

"Yeah, but we're working on a better name. So far, we've narrowed it down to the Three Lostkateers, the Fellowship of the Island and the Lords of the Island. Personally, I should've been one of the three but when I asked Jacob 'what about me?' he went, 'what about you?' and I nearly killed him."

It took Ben five minutes to realise that no one was particularly listening. Juliet was off catching butterflies and Charlie was singing _Good Vibrations_. Annoyed beyond anything, he whipped out his gun and fired it three times into the air. Juliet spun around in alarm and Charlie was now on the ground, crouching over his guitar in a protective stance.

"I'm talking!" Ben complained. "You ignorant English and your ways! I hate you all so much, I'm thinking of hiring a freighter full of mercenaries and killing everyone on your island, just like Charles did!"

"Way to ruin the season four plot, Ben," Juliet replied scornfully. "You couldn't keep a secret if your life depended on it. God, it's just like the time you told Jack, Locke, Ana-Lucia and Sayid you were an "Other" months before they were supposed to find out! No wonder you got the crap beaten out of you that day!"

"I'm not liking your tone," Ben snapped. "At least I didn't have an affair with someone's husband!"

"I'd be extremely worried if you had," Juliet replied coolly. "Although...I wouldn't be surprised. I think it would explain a lot if you ended up swinging both ways."

A loud and vicious fight broke out between the two "Others" and so, Charlie sneaked off. He ran and ran until he'd reached his favourite spot and began writing again. As a musician, he found writing a story quite tricky but he managed to come up with a good plot and a good, creative death. At one point, his pen ran out and he threw it in a random direction, before hearing a random outburst of "ARGH PEN CUT! PEN CUT!" He found another one and continued writing it.

Eventually, he'd finished his masterpiece and he admired it. It wasn't that long but it was to the point and it was hopefully the most creative (and violent) death in the history of deaths! He laughed as he re-read it and briefly wondered who Sawyer was going to kill off. It was definitely between Jack and Locke, Charlie decided, because both of them were extremely annoying in Sawyer's - and pretty much everyone else's - book. If he'd known that his friend - his_ friend_ of all people - was plotting to kill off the woman he loved...well, he might just have gone crazy and killed everyone with his bare hands.

However, being blissfully unaware of his friend's antics had its advantages. He could now relax in the sun and not have to deal with any kind of trauma, or any kind of problem whatsoever...

"Come back here, boxman!" Desmond roared, as he burst into the clearing. He was clutching a bottle of whiskey like it was a lifeline and he appeared to be suffering from a dangerous blend of anger and intoxication.

"Locke's not here," Charlie replied curtly. "At least, I've not seen him. What's he done now?"

"He only went and nicked some of me whiskey!" Desmond exploded, his flesh an amusing beetroot colour. "He nicked 156 cases of whiskey! _**156**_! That was going to see me through to the weekend!"

"It's Thursday," Charlie pointed out. "Are you telling me you can drink 156 cases - cases with about ten or twenty bottles each - in _twenty four hours?!_"

"Aye," the Scotsman snapped. "An' if it wasn't for the fact that I've got another 36 cases hidden away somewhere, I'd be _**REALLY ANGRY!**_" He panted angrily, which made the situation remarkably ironic.

"Yeah, it's a good thing you're being remarkably calm now," Charlie retorted, who'd spotted the irony..

"Look have you seen him or not?" Desmond started to slur now and he was swaying on his feet.

"I just said I hadn't!" Charlie snapped. "Don't you think you've had enough to drink, anyway?"

"Me? Drinkinnninge?" Desmond, comically, sounded outraged at the mere premise that he was drunk. "Me? Your oldest pal and matey? I'd never drinkinnninge! How dare you accuse me of drinkinnninge!? Why I'll tear you limb from limb!" After this short, drunken speech, Desmond stood on his tiptoes and tried to attack Charlie but ended up falling flat on his face. Charlie nudged him with his toe and discovered he'd fallen into a drunken stupor. It was just typical Desmond behaviour really, hence why he wasn't really surprised.

"Is there anyone normal on this Godforsaken island?" He muttered.

-------------------------------------------------

"Sawyer, dude, chillax!" Miles scolded Sawyer as they sat together in a companionable silence. "You're taking this challenge too seriously."

"First of all, I'm not taking this challenge too seriously," Sawyer retorted. "Two, who the hell are you? And three, this is Charlie's girl I've gotta 'kill' off here! He's going to kill me, literally, when he finds out! Maybe I should just pick someone else."

"Oh no, no, no," Miles argued. "You can't defy the logic of the hat! It doesn't work like that!"

"Then how does it work, Sherlock?" Sawyer snarled. "It's just a hat! How can a hat be important? Jeez, you're starting to sound like Captain Hair." When Miles stared at him blankly, he rolled his eyes and said, "I'm talking about Locke, idiot!"

"I've had this kind of talk with Hurley," Miles replied. "I do NOT want to have it with you! The hat is part of the timeline we are-"

"Ok, either you're spoiling the rest of the show," Sawyer said slowly. "Or you're just really good at spouting rubbish at inappropriate times. Which is it, chief?"

Miles scowled and stalked off. Grinning in amusement at having lost another irritating twerp, Sawyer whistled cheerfully to himself before realising why he was in such a foul mood. The piece of paper with Claire's name on it constantly haunted him. It was never right to kill or harm a lady, so what kind of sick, twisted, individual was he in going through with this? He growled and flung the piece of paper in another random direction.

"OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!" Jack's furious voice yelled. "What kind of immature creep keeps throwing paper and pens in my direction, eh?"

Sawyer chortled and then became serious again. He wished that he had never come up with the stupid idea to pull names out of the hat. Why hadn't he just put Jack and Frogurt's names into the hat and picked from there? WHY? He felt so stupid.

"Yo, Sawyer!" Drat. The munchkin was back. "You finished your piece yet?"

"Sort of," Sawyer confessed. "It's a work-in-progress at the moment. You?"

"Yep." Charlie had a really smug grin on his face, the kind of grin that fills you with dread the moment you see it.

"You picked me, didn't you?" Sawyer said with a resigned look. "How do I die?"

"Not gonna sa-ay!" Charlie sung, his grin widening. "All I'm gonna say is that I can't wait to see it performed. It will be the most legendary death in the history of deaths!"

Sawyer rolled his eyes.

"Who'd you pick anyway?" Charlie inquired, looking inquisitively at the page. Sawyer scrunched it up and blushed, for the first time in his whole life. What a moment for his body to give him away. He was a conman as well, which made things a whole lot worse.

Charlie, apparently, hadn't noticed the conman's slip and was meandering his way back to the machine along the beach. All of a sudden, a cacophony of yells filled the air. Sawyer could pick out two key voices from the chaos - Desmond's and Locke's. He shrugged, not really interested and raced ahead to catch up with Charlie.

"Ooh, this is going to be awesome!" Charlie was childishly excited and Sawyer rolled his eyes again.

They approached the machine and placed their entries inside, jumping as it made a loud, annoying whirring sound. Sawyer sighed in relief, thanking the Gods or whoever was up there for allowing that piece of paper to disappear from between his fingers. Now Charlie would never know the dreadful atrocities he'd committed that day.

"Receiving data," the machine said robotically. "Charlie has selected Sawyer for the competition, whilst Sawyer-"

"Oh, crap," Sawyer whimpered.

"-has chosen Claire," the machine finished. Charlie's eyes, filled with fury and disbelief, turned on Sawyer.

"YOU CHOSE TO KILL OFF A WOMAN?!" He yelled angrily. "WHAT THE HELL MAN? CLAIRE IS SO NICE TO YOU AND YOU JUST THROW IT BACK IN HER FACE. I OUGHT TO KILL YOU!"

"Request accepted," the machine responded. "Charlie has won the competition and the death will now be performed.

The fury left Charlie's face and a look of smug anticipation replaced it. He watched as his vision came to life.

_Sawyer was walking along in the jungle, looking like a prat in his chicken outfit. _

"I'M GONNA MURDER YOU, BOY!" Sawyer growled as he found himself surrounded by feathers. This was unbelievably humiliating, even worse than the time Hurley, of all people, had beaten him up in front of everyone.

_All of a sudden, the smoke monster arrived, juggling saws, guns, knives, forks and grenades. Sawyer couldn't run because his feet were glued to the ground. The smoke monster swept him away and sliced him into millions of pieces and when it rained, it rained Sawyer which gave true definition to the song "It's Raining Men." The end. _

Sawyer sighed as he heard what his fate was and resigned himself to the worst. The smoke monster came and went, carrying the Conman off with a whizz and a bang and a clutter of metal. Charlie smiled as the clouds began to burst and little drops of Sawyer fell to the ground.

"Hey!" Kate shouted from afar. "This rain looks like Sawyer! It's raining men!"

A smug grin crossed Charlie's face and he sat down to watch the display. At one point, Claire came and sat next to him and he shuddered as he thought about losing her. Then, as the skies cleared, he watched as a disgruntled Sawyer came stumbling out of trees, like nothing had ever happened. He caught sight of Charlie and a scowl flooded his face.

"Oh crap!" Charlie squeaked and ran off, followed by a furious Sawyer.

**A/n:- I am so, so, so, so sorry I've not updated for a while peeps! Ive been busy with my other fics, as well as school n life. This chapter is a bit crap so I apologise for that :( the next one will be better! :)**


	17. Chapter 17 Torturer versus Mamacita

Torturer versus Mamacita! 

**A/n: - Ok, I'm sorry for not uploading in a while, well a long while actually, but a comment from JSkaterman made me realise something. This fic is one year old! So for this chapter I decided to finally respond to earlier reviews and do something a little different. Charlie and Sawyer will be in it of course but they won't be heavily in it. To decide who would star in this chapter, I was sad enough to use an online randomizer to determine the outcome – sorry Sayid and Claire…you two are now pitted against each other! **

_Torturer versus Mamacita features a very dark, competitive side to Claire, a reference to a very familiar British show, some very bad attempts at singing, Locke having a severe leg accident (again) and a carefully - *cough* badly *cough* - constructed stage which isn't at all dangerous…_

L.O.S.T

"I don't believe you," Ben informed a disgruntled Locke. "I don't believe you ever were in a wheelchair."

"_What?!_" Locke squeaked, standing on a wooden table that had randomly appeared from nowhere along with a number of other things on Lost. "How can you even _suggest_ that? Why would I lie about being in a wheelchair?"

"Well," Ben hedged. "It's conceivable you wanted to commit benefit fraud for attention, or maybe you're just a lazy, bald git who needed sympathy like I need my Juliet."

"Why are we even having this discussion?" Locke shot back. "Why am I even talking to you when _you're supposed_ to be making me chocolate brownies?"

"I'm just milking in the fact that we're first to be mentioned in this chapter," Ben beamed. "I'm so lovable that if you look in the dictionary –"

"You'll find that the word gullible has been removed," Locke informed him. To his amusement, Ben's eyes widened in shock, surprise, horror and disbelief.

"No, they can't have done!" he wailed. "That's my favourite word ever! I need that word!" He then raced off to find the nearest dictionary to see if that had happened.

Locke chuckled and then decided to hog the camera's attention by doing a series of back flips. Now that he was in the centre of the frame, so to speak, he planned to usurp the moment.

"No!" he screamed, as one of his stunts went spectacularly wrong. "My legs! My _legs!_" His legs had twisted into some sort of odd shape and now he resembled a half empty tube of toothpaste.

By now, everyone was used to him either breaking his legs, falling out of buildings or getting shot at by savage people so he received no help. Locke scowled and prayed for a miracle. He scowled as Sawyer and Charlie came walking through the jungle. He'd prayed for a miracle and got a couple of scallywags as a result of that prayer. He was seriously considering suing the lost producers for the damage done to his precious legs, only… he couldn't very well _walk_ now could he?

"I'm telling you you've got it _wrong!_" Charlie was near enough yelling. "You're such a belligerent _jerk!_"

"That's a nice thing to say on our anniversary, sweetheart," Sawyer returned with a sarcastic smile.

"Anniversary?" Locke looked blankly at them. "Have you two been secretly dating or something? Don't tell if you have – the thought is disgusting. Have you, though?"

Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Oh _please,_ Indiana Jones," he scoffed. "Even if I did swing that way – which I don't – I have better taste than a man with webbed feet!"

Charlie threw his hands up in the air with exasperation. "I do not have _webbed feet!_" he exclaimed angrily. "I fell asleep and you thought it would be funny to _glue _my_ toes _together!"

Locke chuckled. "You two really do torture each other, don't you?" he asked. "Now if you're done being babies, can you _please_ take me to Jack? I need a leg transplant…again."

"Again?" The Briton shook his head in amazement. "John, we're running out of people we can lure to the caves to have their legs chopped off just so we can give _you_ legs. I think people became a _tad_ suspicious when you started walking around with Eko's legs."

A grin appeared on the older man's face as he remembered walking around with Eko's legs. He'd felt more powerful, more dominating as he'd strolled through the camp, half white American and half African-American. He'd attracted some stares, naturally, but he'd learned to ignore them.

"Eko was quite content with his wooden legs I made for him," he argued, still grinning. "He can play fetch with Vincent as merrily as he likes now." His smile became vacant as he started to daydream about the island, Jacob, the island, Taller Ghost Walt, the island…

"Hello?" Sawyer snapped his fingers in front of Locke's face. "Weren't you curious, O Mystic One, about the fact that today is mine and Chuckles' anniversary?"

"Go on then," Locke grumbled. "Tell me what the commotion is about. It's not something stupid is it? Like the anniversary of the day you realised you are both insane?"

"No silly," Charlie replied in his best camp voice. "It's the anniversary of the day we started competing with each other, and the day some unknown author recorded our antics down." He stared dreamily up at the sky.

Sawyer rolled his eyes again. "We wanted to do something special for the day," he explained. "Something big that would blow everyone's minds away! Then we thought…sod it! We've earned a rest from the mayhem and madness that seems to go on around here."

"We're going down the beach if you want to come," Charlie chipped in. "Apparently Sayid and Claire are having some big argument and everyone's getting excited about it!" He slurped at his coca-cola which had randomly appeared in his hand. "I just hope Sayid knows what he's getting himself into. Claire got so mad at me once because I thought Aaron would like a homemade present for his birthday so I got him a stick. As punishment she made me dig a hole and buried me in it up to my neck and left me there for a whole day!" He drank again. "Woman's a psycho in my opinion."

"And this is coming from her _loving_ boyfriend," Sawyer said sarcastically to Locke. "So, are you coming with us or what?"

"Well I _would_," Locke replied slowly through gritted teeth. "But I can't _walk_ can I, genius? I look like someone's attempted to flatten me and then gave up half way through!"

"See you then." Charlie and Sawyer walked off, choosing to forget (or ignore) Locke's frantic gestures for help.

"JACOB WILL BURN YOU!" he screamed but to no avail. He sighed and wondered how long he would have to stay like this. Where were the islands' healing powers when you needed them? He tried to fling rocks in Charlie and Sawyer's direction as payback for the numerous rocks which had crushed his bald head but his unusually accurate aim failed him. He decided to pass the time by singing Christmas carols...in an unusually bad voice, I might add.

* * *

The rumours were true. Claire, a usually calm and gentle woman, was literally red with rage as she glared at Sayid. Sayid himself was chanting over and over in his head _don't hit a woman; never hit a woman_ to keep himself calm. The disagreement had been an unusual one, in regards to each other's partners. Sayid had come over to complain about Charlie's guitar being in the way to which Claire had made some sort of snide remark regarding Shannon's stuff being around even when she was six feet under. Thus the verbal wars had begun.

"You hairy bellied, torturing, psychopathic _monster!_" she yelled. "How dare you presume to tell me who I may or may not date?"

"I'm just suggesting you date someone with a bit less baggage!" Sayid shot back. "And I mean that in the most _loving_ way possible. Jack is a good catch…" he suggested cruelly.

"If you think that, why don't _you_ date him then?" she retorted, half tossing Aaron to a shell shocked Sun as her fists began to clench. "You go from one woman to the next like I go through peanut butter!" She began to drool at the mention of her favourite snack.

Sayid gasped in a girly fashion. "Why must I be everyone's piñata to take a swing at?" he complained. "I loved Shannon but I loved Nadia too…"

"But which is better?" Jacob's voice rumbled, seemingly out of nowhere. "Shannon or Nadia? There's only one way to find out – FIIIIIIGHHHHT!"

All of a sudden both girls came running out of the jungle. Shannon looked just as she did when she died, except more ravishing somehow. Nadia looked unnaturally furious and she leaped as gracefully as a ballerina as she pinned Shannon to the ground. The two women started to wrestle as their bodies slammed down in the mud. _Someone_ (namely Sawyer, who'd just arrived) whooped and cheered as they scrapped like puppy dogs.

"Oh for _heaven's_ sake!" Claire sighed in exasperation. "When Sayid mentions their name they automatically come back to life, but when _I_ mention Charlie he fails to come back to life!" She looked as if she was about to explode.

"Er, Claire?" Charlie offered nervously.

"Not _now!_" she snapped. "I'll get back to yelling in shock that you're here in a _moment!_"

"At least I'm not dating someone with about as much musical talent as a rock," Sayid threw in.

"At least _I'm_ actually dating someone!" Claire retorted. "You're dating collection reads like a who's who of dog crap!" She smirked and folded her arms, sure she'd outsmarted him.

Sure enough, Sayid seemed to be rendered speechless by her out-of-character abusive tone. Then a sly smile crept onto his face.

"I'm presuming this argument stems from which of us has the best partner, agreed?" he enquired. "Since, as you put it, my partner is deceased," he glanced at the two women scrapping and raised an eyebrow, "or rather, wrestling the other love of my life, I'll pick someone else and pit them up against _your_ guy in a competition. The winner gets bragging rights."

Claire considered this carefully. "What becomes of the loser?"

Sayid grinned. "The loser has to agree to go on a date with the winner's choice. And it has to be a _proper_ date and not just a walk along the beach," he added. "So we're talking about a candle lit dinner, romantic music and all that jazz."

Without even considering it any further, she stuck out a hand and shook his firmly. They smirked at each other and everyone seemed shocked at the sudden animosity between the pair of them. Charlie and Sawyer glanced at each other, curious as to what the competition was going to be.

"What I'm proposing is a _friendly_ singing competition," Sayid said, "since you claim your man has a _beautiful_ voice." A sneer curled his lips. "Personally, I think he sounds like a Muppet on helium."

"Hey!" Charlie moved forward, prepared to fight if necessary but Sawyer held him back.

"Fine," Claire agreed. "But I'm curious as to how _you_ sound so we're making this a _duet_ singing competition." Her smirk never wavered as she spoke. "I'm with Charlie, so you might as well surrender now."

"Yeah but I've got _Sawyer_, so _you_ might as well quit now." Sayid grinned. "Sawyer has the looks, the charm and, for all you know, could possess the voice of an angel."

Sawyer smirked before realising what he was being dragged into. "Hang on, Captain Fluffy Bunny Act," he protested. "Me and Chuckles here are having a break from competitive acts. You can't just drag us in whenever you please!"

"I'll force everyone to give you your stash back," Sayid said without hesitation.

"Done," Sawyer replied quickly, then shot a _what-you-gonna-do?_ look at Charlie who rolled his eyes in response.

"Are you guys _serious?_" Jack complained, storming into the centre of the group. "With all the stuff we have to deal with, _this_ is what you want to waste your time on?"

"It's called _having fun!_" Hurley chipped in. "You should try it sometime, Jack."

A murmur of laughter rang throughout the group. Sawyer chortled loudly and then shot Jack a flirty smile when the older man glared at him.

"Well, you're going to need three unbiased people to judge," Jack sighed. "So that excludes any of this lot!" He shot an out of character smirk at the others, causing someone to chuck a JACK-STINKS badge in his direction, knocking him out.

"Is there a doctor in the house?" Sawyer mocked. "Oh wait, he's unconscious!" He suddenly broke into girlish laughter

"As much as he annoys me, he's right," Sayid conceded. "Who shall we get to judge our Island Factor competition?"

Claire thought carefully for a moment. "Well, I suppose you need Simon Cowell for something like this," she reasoned. "But what about the other two spots? They need to be Lost related…sort of."

"I'll do it," Richard offered, stepping out of the bushes as if from nowhere, as he regularly did. He waved at Sun, who giggled and fainted much to the disapproval of Jin. "I'm done curling my eyelashes anyway." He shrugged.

"Ooh, I'll do it too!" Daniel Faraday joined in, looking unusually excitable. "I can be unbiased and analytical." Charlotte, who'd come in with him, whispered something in his ear. "Oh, I mean _critical!_"

"But you know me!" Sawyer protested. He considered that and then smirked. "Never mind. Please continue."

"Can I build the stage?" Hurley enquired. "Me and Desmond can do it because he found some tools in the middle of the jungle. Because it's Lost we'll be, like, super quick."

Claire smiled and gave him her consent and soon the Canadian was off like a shot. The crowd began to disperse with mutters of excitement at the upcoming event. Charlie and Sawyer, secretly excited about being in competition with each other again, shot off with their partners to discuss the songs they were going to sing.

Nobody was there to greet Ben who came charging down out of the jungle, dictionary in hand.

"John, thou art wrong!" he crowed in triumph. "I checked all 345 dictionaries in our library and not one of them was missing the word 'gullible'." He looked around and suddenly realised he was talking to no one. "I could've sworn this camp used to have more people," he muttered.

He walked around for a bit, hating the silence. A familiar pout crossed his lips and, out of anger, he whipped out his gun and started firing in random directions. One of the bullets met his mark and someone yelled in the distance. He turned round and saw someone in a parachute fall to the ground as limp and lifeless as a rag doll. Out of curiosity and _not_ because he cared, he trotted over to the scene of the accident and pulled back the parachute to reveal a familiar face. Then he screamed.

"Ew, _demon_, DEMON!" he squealed and then ran off. The figure who he'd accidentally on purpose killed was none other than Simon Cowell, which meant that someone else would have to step in and take his role. They were a bit hard pushed to find another obnoxious, critical, overbearing and arrogant being like Simon but, luckily, they found someone who fit the bill near enough perfectly – Jack Shepherd. Charles Widmore was the first choice but, for the purposes of protecting the island and its inhabitants that quickly became a big no-no.

"Why do I get dragged into these things?" Jack sighed, putting on his martyr face. The author of this fanfic was almost, _almost_, tempted into throwing a rock at him, but that would've spoiled the competition.

* * *

Hurley and Desmond, meanwhile, were busy with the construction of the stage. Hurley was carefully (and by carefully I mean hazardously) chopping down trees, whilst Desmond measured out the bits of wood and cut them into usable pieces. Now and then one would strike up a conversation, which usually revolved around Charlie for some reason, and then they'd get back to work.

"How does one put up a stage?" Hurley mused, secretly revelling in the fact that he was actually taking part in a competition without actually suffering in the process. "Er, Des? I don't think you're supposed to use the wood for _that_."

Desmond stopped in the middle of carving a bottle of whiskey. "And why not, brother? The rum is always gone – you wanna explain that to me, eh? Why can't a man dream? I have a dream where millions of these bottles lie next to me in bed and I gently open them up and drink them all."

Hurley stared at him in a mixture of disgust and bewilderment. "Dude, this was not what Martin Luther King had in mind," he replied. "The whole 'I have a dream' speech was about tackling racism and you've just destroyed that iconic speech." He shook his head. "Can we get back to this please? I want this to be something I can look back on with pride, not guilt." He imagined the stage collapsing with people on it, resulting in the deaths of his friends and it would've been his bad luck yet again that was responsible.

"Chill," Desmond advised him. He picked up the axe and took a big swing at another tree. "Making a stage is easy work. I'm thinking we should have done this when the Others staged their big musical. What was it called?"

"_We're The Scariest Thing Since Jaws,_" Hurley recited, concentrating hard on _not_ getting splinters. "Featuring ripped off hits such as _Ben's Summer Nights, Hopelessly Devoted to Jacob, Consider Yourself an Other _and _Ben's Favourite Things._" He shuddered. "I'll never forgive Locke for putting us through that. I still remember Ben's high pitched rendition of _the Never Aging Richard_."

"This is nice isn't it?" Desmond suddenly said, looking surprisingly cheerful. "We never get a moment alone together." He whistled a random tune as he sawed and hammered and bashed away at the wood.

"Dude, I've heard what you put Charlie through," Hurley said, with a nervous tremor to his voice. "I'm _not_ going to be your new obsession. I think I liked you better when you were an obsessive drunk."

"Love me or leave me," Desmond suddenly sung. "Make your choice but believe me, I love YOUUUUUUUU!" His voice rung across the jungle in one note of shrillness.

Hurley started to bash away loudly at the wood, hoping he could drown out the Scotsman's awful, _awful_, voice. No such luck. He resorted to plugging his ears with giant leaves and then continued to work.

All of a sudden, Sun and Jin ran into the clearing, looking distressed and very, very ill.

"We were walking, when he heard these awful noises," Sun explained, as Jin assisted her explanation with charade type gestures. "It's – dare I say it? – _their rehearsals_."

"Body count?" Desmond asked, concern touching his brow.

"Sixteen of the extras nobody cares about," Sun recounted. "They all just dropped dead as soon as the singing started. Nikki and Paulo rose from the dead and then buried themselves back in the sand as soon as they heard the singing." She looked unusually distressed. "And Vincent dived into the water, never to be seen again."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hurley suddenly screamed. He looked very distressed. "We've survived _five seasons_ of confusing mystery and ambiguity and now the _dog_ dies! We're all doomed!"

"I didn't say he died," Sun replied, bemused at Hurley's behaviour. "He just swapped sides. Traitor," she added vehemently. "He swapped another thirty thousand seasons of Lost for another show. I think it's called Top Dog."

"Well now the dog's gone, the whole show will go to pot!" Hurley rambled in a panic. "The dog was about the only bit of sanity in the show, along with Bernard and Rose." He shuddered. "Aliens will be landing now and trust me…this will end in all of us running through the jungles without any clothes on."

"How's the stage coming along?" Jin suddenly asked. Everyone stared at him. "What?"

"You speak English?" Sun seethed. "So the charade gestures were, what, for fun?"

"Pretty much," he chuckled. "I learned from Sawyer and Miles and Juliet but that's not for another minus thirty years, so we're ok."

"_Minus thirty years?_" Sun asked. "I don't get it."

"Jin's wised himself up on the season five scripts," Desmond answered. "I don't get where we are now though. It's like we're going back and forth all the time!"

"Well, we can only assume this mysterious, omniscient author is trying to make this story seem as real as possible by constantly going back and forth in different periods of time," Angry Lost Fan replied, emerging through the trees. Her appearance caused Sun and Jin to explode with joy (literally), Desmond to burst into tears and Hurley to fall backwards and roll down the hill. Because of his size, we'll assume he rolled for a long, long time so we'll get back to the present moment.

"What are you doing here?" Desmond asked.

"Well, you're trying to dabble in plot lines that have nothing to do with anything as of yet," Angry Lost Fan replied patiently. "So I had to intervene. I'm just here to distract you with dancing bunnies until you forget the spoilers implanted by Jin."

Dancing bunnies, followed (unsurprisingly) by Ben, came dancing into view to the Wizard of Oz theme and Desmond laughed as they did clever little flips and cartwheels and, once he was sufficiently distracted, Angry Lost Fan disappeared.

"Oh _no_," Desmond groaned once the bunnies were gone. "The bloody whiskey's gone!" He looked around. "And Hurley's gone too." He looked around again. "And Angry Lost Fan." He looked around one more time for good measure. "AND SO HAS MY BLOODY SANITY!"

With a drunken roar, he grabbed his hammer and started working on the stage again but, because of his drunken state, bits of wood ended up in the wrong places and he accidentally (Oh come on, who am I kidding? Nothing on this shows is an "accident") carved the face of Charlie into the wood and, for good measure, he carved the words "you're gonna die Charlie" underneath. Once he realised what he'd done, he spent the next gazillion minutes trying to fix it but, as a snide and still disabled Locke pointed out, the island wouldn't let him.

"Stop it, box man!" Desmond yelled. "This has to be absolutely right or I'll be responsible for the deaths of a torturer, a crazy mum, a man who's already dead and a sarcastic conman!" He suddenly stopped as he realised something. "Do those people really sound like people we want to be rescued?"

"You can't just segregate people because of their _personalities_," Locke objected, wondering if he should have his own leg documentary because of the amount of trauma he'd put them through. "Why do you think there are laws about segregation around?"

"Nobody said segregating people with personalities was not allowed," Desmond huffed as he continued working. "I believe segregation laws applied to _race_ and not whether someone is a total prick or not." He eyed Locke carefully and then spotted that the older man's legs were in a condition that no legs should ever be in.

"Look all you want," Locke snapped, after spotting Desmond's smirk. "I'm in the process of getting help but it took me about an hour just to crawl from about two minutes further on to here."

"Good luck with that." Desmond chuckled and then got back to work. Some people were so deluded it was unbelievable. He gazed at his handiwork so far and was worried by the fact that it didn't resemble a stage at all. What it _did_ look like was a mess. This was going to take much longer than he'd hoped for.

* * *

Evening settled in and soon the survivors meandered their way through the jungle and came across what appeared to be a mangled pile of wood. It was only later that they realised it was supposed to be a _stage_. Out of the darkness, Daniel, Jack and Richard walked into view and took their places behind an equally badly constructed table as they waited for the event to start.

Behind the scenes, Charlie was being lectured by Claire on the dos and don'ts of a good performance. Whilst he was miffed at her forgetting that he had performed on stage pre-island life, he knew not to say anything.

"Sayid's right about one thing," Claire said, gazing at him critically. "You do have a Muppet style voice, so leave the high notes to me, ok?"

Charlie glared at her and then nodded curtly. "As long as you leave the dancing to me," he negotiated. "Seeing as how you _dance_ like a Muppet."

They exchanged deathly stares and stood there stubbornly, locked in a silent stalemate.

"You're on in five," their technical producer, a.k.a. Kate, informed them. She suddenly giggled. "I've always wanted to say that!"

Sayid walked in and removed his ear plugs. "You scared, Claire? You scared that I've got the winning act?" he taunted.

"No," she retorted. "Because judging by the earplugs in your ear, your act isn't the best singer and you've forgotten to account for the judges. They're supposed to be unbiased but I think all of them have a grudge against either you or your act."

"How so?" Sayid asked, his eyebrows rising with worry.

Claire smirked. "Well, Jack and Sawyer have a deep, life long grudge which they must uphold in sickness and in health and for better and for worse," she recited. "Daniel is still upset with Sawyer for slapping him and then threatening his girlfriend and Richard is upset that you ruined the good name of hostiles by pretending to be one and then inflicting a young Ben on them."

"Ah," Sayid responded, visibly deflating. "Well, maybe the judges have something against you and your act too."

"How so?" Claire asked, her own eyebrows rising with worry.

Sayid inhaled deeply. "Well, let's see. Charlie lied to Jack about Naomi, so I'm sure he's still upset about that because Jack is the king of holding grudges. Richard's never met either of you but I'm sure he doesn't like the fact that Charlie lives again because he feels like he's taking his thunder and Daniel is fed up because you flirted with Miles who is his one and only friend."

Claire rolled her eyes. "Mine were _real_ reasons, Sayid," she pointed out. "But if that's the way you wanna play it, then bring it on!"

"Ok, five minutes is up!" Kate called. "Get your butts on stage before Rousseau steals the mike and starts re-recording her transmission. And she plans to make it twice and long and accompany it with a song! LOOK! You can see her edging her way through the crowd." She started to panic and pushed Claire and Charlie on stage.

"Hello," Charlie began nervously. "Welcome to the first – and hopefully last – Island Factor contestant. First of all, a big thumbs up to Locke there for taking the _entire day_ to get here."

A loud but distant, "Screw you!" was the response he got.

Claire took over. "Ok, the point of this is to show Sayid that I have a better partner than him, both in singing and in real life…"

"Real life?" Charlie repeated. "What am I, a cartoon?"

"Whose side are you on?" she hissed. "I _defended_ you and this is how you repay me!"

"Good introduction," Hurley muttered to Rousseau, who stared at him with a crazy look in her eye. "Er, you ok? You look like you're going to…" he didn't have time to finish his sentence as Rousseau took that moment to pounce on him.

"This just in – it appears that Rousseau is needlessly raping Hurley. But on with the show," Charlie announced. "We'll be singing _let's play a love scene_ and, if you vote for us, we'll order a helicopter from EBay and get you all out of here!"

"Wait a second!" Jack snapped. "So you've had the power to do that and yet we've been stuck here since time began? YOU SUCK!"

"Is it a good sign when one of the judges tells you they think you suck before you've even started?" Charlie whispered to Claire.

"Funnily enough, Charlie, it's _not!_" she snapped. "And bribing the judges before we've even begun? Shame on you! And before you ask, it's not a good sign that your co-competitor is mad at you before we've even started singing!"

Fiercely glaring at each other, they started the song.

"_You were the honest friend,_" Claire began. "HA! Honest is the least likely word I'd use to describe you! _I was the great pretender. I hid my feelings 'til the end._"

Charlie scowled at her, furious that she was interrupting the song with needlessly hostile commentary.

"_Now I want to say what it means to me, how I could never be the same without you,_" he sung and then decided to add his own commentary. "Yeah your incessant nagging and whining have made my life simply the best!"

Claire snarled underneath her breath. "You are the sweetest boyfriend ever," she simpered sarcastically. "I love how well you lie and how great you are."

"And I love how you hide your feelings away and lead guys on!" Charlie returned.

"Is this part of the act?" Daniel asked, looking confusedly at his fellow judges.

"Honestly, I don't know," Richard replied with a frown. "But methinks it's time to reapply the eyeliner. God knows it's been thirty minutes since I last did so."

Jack just sat there thinking, _am I getting paid for this?_ I'm pleased to report that he isn't. Not a single cent, dime, dollar, buck, pound, pence, frank or any other form of new or old currency.

"_The way I know I REALLY feel about you,_" Claire muttered, anger seeping into the song and unnecessarily poisoning a beautiful love song.

"_The way I know I'll ALWAYS feel about you,_" Charlie sung through gritted teeth.

They proceeded to the chorus and, once they'd finished, chose to celebrate their brilliant performance by viciously attacking each other, thereby joining Hurley and Rousseau in the circle of rape.

Sayid and Sawyer came on stage next, both of them confident that after their opponent's performance they had a shot at winning. They'd picked an unromantic song, thereby removing any chance of a rumour that they had started an affair together. But, because they'd spent more time on gloating over how they would win and on their warm-up exercises, they completely forgot the words of the song and ended up performing a weird island rap to the judges.

"Sayid and Sawyer win!" Jack announced. "Purely because they did us all a favour and didn't sing and they didn't try to _bribe_ us like Charlie did." He looked particularly moody and people began to pick up on it.

"Cheer up, Jack!" Hurley called. "Join us in the rape circle. Face it, your ex-wife left you, the Kate thing's not happening…" he caught sight of Jack's morose expression. "I don't think we need a third."

"It's Jack's time of the month," Sawyer explained, smirking at Charlie who looked murderously angry in amongst the rape circle. "Look…the moon's out!"

"If Jack's a werewolf, then I'm Clint Eastwood," Richard declared, standing up and slamming his hands on the table causing it to collapse.

"I never said he was one," Sawyer protested. He grinned. "But it's interesting to see how your mind works. You'll be saying he's a vampire next."

Richard didn't reply, he just flung his eyeliner at Sawyer and took satisfaction in watching it stain his exceptionally blue shirt.

"And here I thought the munchkin was the only annoying squirt here," Sawyer growled. "Chuckles, looks like you've got competition."

"Don't say that! DO NOT SAY THAT!" Charlie yelled, breaking away from the vicious circle of rape. "_I _am the annoying one. _I _make up the worst insults and use them at you." He suddenly looked pathetic. "I don't like this break," he admitted.

"Say it," Sawyer commanded. "Say it!"

Charlie got down on one knee and gazed up at Sawyer. "Will you, James Ford a.k.a. Sawyer, La Fleur and Red Neck Man, be my opponent for the rest of our lives?"

Sawyer pretended to wipe away a tear. "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" he declared and the audience erupted.

"It's a beautiful moment," Daniel whispered to Richard who nodded.

Jack, predictably, started to cry and Locke, who still resembled toothpaste man, started to crawl away in order to fashion himself some more legs. Claire and Sayid glared at their traitorous partners and then stormed off, still bickering loudly.

Charlie and Sawyer, arm in arm, marched off towards the beach in order to come up with their next challenge, whilst Desmond watched and wept as his stage collapsed before him. He cursed and stormed off, muttering something about 'dancing bunnies' before he allowed the darkness to consume him.


	18. Chapter 18 Previously On Lost Quiz

The "Previously on Lost" Quiz…

**A/n: This chapter is dedicated to my little sister who loves this story and is my inspiration for this story. If you want to thank someone for this update, thank her. Remember this does get OOC at times - but that's why you love it, right? (: The ending kinda sucks, 'cause I wasn't sure how to end it but never fear! Another great chapter will arrive soon.**

_The previously on lost quiz features Desmond finding the caves, Jack and Locke getting stuck in a tree, Richard fulfilling a lifelong ambition and Claire's date is revealed… _

"Damn it!"

Charlie looked up from his guitar, almost lazily. His companion, the infamously bad tempered Sawyer, was rummaging through his stuff furiously. Shirts, books and even the odd pair of boxers flew out from the opening of his crude, makeshift tent as the conman's search continued to prove to be fruitless.

"What you lookin' for?" he enquired loudly, to ensure he'd be heard over the ruckus that Sawyer was making.

An incoherent response, sounding suspiciously like "leave me alone, you worthless squirt", was all he heard. He grinned, loving it when something trivial went wrong in Sawyer's world, meaning that the latter man's attention was diverted away from mocking people.

"If you don't tell me, I can't help," Charlie pointed out.

Sawyer's disgruntled face popped up and glared wordlessly in his direction. Sweat was literally _pouring_ down his face and he was about a step away from becoming Jack and bursting into frustrated tears.

"Don't you have anyone else to bother today?" he snapped. "Besides…why would _you _help me?" He quickly withdrew back into his tent and resumed his search.

"Because I'm bored," Charlie stated simply. "Plus, I want to spare you the embarrassment which will _inevitably_ occur if people spot your…underwear hanging about the beach."

A long pause followed that statement.

"I don't buy it."

Charlie looked confused. "Buy what?"

"This nice guy act," Sawyer responded. He then quickly changed the subject as something came to his attention. "WHY THE HELL DID I STEAL JACK'S STUPID MEDICAL LICENSE?"

"We pretended to be doctors, remember?" Charlie reminded him. "You knocked Kate out with a banana, I nearly killed that Rolf guy and we generally just failed at saving people. Now, tell me what you're looking for or I'll sing your least favourite song ever."

Another long pause stretched out between them, like an open road in the outback.

"You wouldn't…" Sawyer popped his head outside his tent and glared furiously at a smirking Charlie. "How do you know what my least favourite song is, anyway?"

Charlie tapped his nose thoughtfully. "That's for me to know and you to get paranoid over until you go INSANE! Or give into my demand, one of the two."

Sawyer smirked at him. "I ain't buying the bluff, champ," he stated firmly. "If you _really_ knew my least favourite song, you'd have sung it by now."

Charlie smirked, waggled his tongue mischievously and proceeded to sing _We Go Together_ in a really loud, high pitched voice. He danced around Sawyer's tent and continued to mock his opponent until something grabbed his ankles and made him go flying.

He fell to the ground and, winded, slowly turned round to see a hysterical Sawyer sliding to the ground out of laughter.

"Ok," Charlie snapped grumpily. "You've made your point – you're a complete and utter _ass._ I don't care what you're searching for. I think I'll just go find Kate and see if she can get an answer out of you."

Abruptly, the smirk flew off Sawyer's face and his eyes glazed over with panic. Then, in the space of a second, his cool façade was back.

"If you _must _know, twerp, I'm trying to find the bottle of MacCutcheon's whiskey I had stashed away here," he replied. "Coulda _sworn_ I had it only yesterday…"

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Your knowledge of this show is pretty shocking," he informed him. "As I _recall_ you got back from the others, quickly became pissed off that people had taken your stash, came to _me_ to yell about it and that's when Desmond told you (soberly, I might add) that we'd drank it."

Sawyer's eyes bulged in surprise. "Have I been in some sort of coma these past gazillion and fifty four days? Why do I not _remember_ that?"

Shrugging in response, Charlie began to take in Sawyer's dishevelled appearance and decided maybe it would cheer up his otherwise despondent friend if they had another challenge. That's when he came up with an idea that would please not just themselves, but someone else as well.

He closed his eyes and then rubbed his temples slowly, as if trying to work out a difficult sum.

"What _are_ you doing?" Sawyer drawled, gazing at him distastefully.

"Having a flashback," Charlie replied, without opening his eyes. "Now shut up and do not disturb the force."

_Flashback starts _

Richard danced into the camp randomly, paused to put eyeliner on and then surveyed the camp carefully.

"I want to do something crazy," he said slowly. "Just to fit in with these…_commoners._ I WANNA BE A QUIZ PRESENTER!!"

_Flashback ends…well, that was pointless. _

"Was that it?" Sawyer sounded disgusted. "Aren't flashbacks supposed to be of _yourself_ and in a bit more, well, depth?"

"I didn't say it was _my_ flashback, you banana brain," Charlie explained impatiently. "I don't think it's even real. I just wanted to drag in Richard for our next challenge just because he's more interesting than the rest of our sodding camp put together."

"What challenge?" Sawyer asked drily. "Or dare I ask? Have you dreamed up something chaotic for us to do, like training monkeys or paralysing ourselves just so we can magically heal? Or is it something fundamentally suicidal, like driving a van down a hill hurtling towards certain death?"

"Ooh, I like the sound of the first one…" Charlie sounded wistful, as if he wished he'd thought of that sooner. "The second one is just _stupid_ and the third…we've already bloody done. You need a bloody check up, mate, seeing how you can't remember the cool activities we've done!"

"If I go see Jack," Sawyer said slowly. "Do I get a lollipop?"

An amused growl slipped between Charlie's lips and he shook his head as the laughter spilled out. _Sometimes,_ he thought to himself, _this guy can be a comic genius and he doesn't even realise it._ Actually, he corrected himself, _he does know and that's why he's arrogant some of…most of…all of the time._

"Where is Jack today, anyway?" he wondered aloud, having seen no sign of the doctor.

"Not a clue," Sawyer said, feeling almost giddy at the thought of a new challenge AND a lollipop. Could this day _get_ any better?

* * *

"Jack?"

"What _is_ it, John?"

"How long have we been up here now?"

Jack looked at his watch which, almost magically, still worked despite everything else technical seemed to fail on this island.

"Almost seven minutes…"

Locke sighed and leaned his head against the tree. "It feels more like…seven and a half minutes."

They'd somehow managed to get stuck in a tree, a _tree_ of all things. It'd started when a loud noise had startled Locke into throwing his knife. He'd miscalculated his aim and his beloved knife had ended up at the very top of the tree. Frantic with worry, he'd clambered up the tree to retrieve it but had ended up stuck on a branch.

That's when Jack had strolled by. Initially, he'd not cared about Locke's problem but had decided to intervene anyway because, let's face it, he had nothing better to do. But rescuing Locke hadn't turned out to be as easy as he thought and now _he_ was stuck too.

"You need to shave," Locke suddenly announced. "Your stubble of indeterminate size is about a hop, skip and a jump away from becoming an ugly bush of a beard. Just pointing it out…"

Jack scowled, unimpressed. "Well if you had the common _decency,_" he snapped, "to go out and get yourself a proper _hobby_ and not stalk the beach like some _deranged_ slug, perhaps I would have the opportunity to take my top off and shave without the risk of you seeing my _nipples._"

An awkward silence fell between them.

"You don't _have_ to take your top off to shave you know," Locke pointed out. "It's just any excuse to take your top off with you isn't it? God, do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight."

Jack snorted derisively, as if to say _yeah, right._

"I miss the ground," Locke added, looking somewhat mournful.

"I miss being away from _you,_" Jack put in spitefully. "I wonder what Kate's doing," he added, also sounding mournful. They truly were a pathetic pair.

"Don't know, don't care," Locke replied, shrugging his shoulders.

It was then Jack spotted it. There was a branch, slightly higher than the one they were perched on, that spiralled to a lower one which reached the ground. If one of them could stretch across and get to it, they could get to the ground and forget this horrible episode.

"Do us a favour, John…" He decided to just swoop in there and say it. "Stretch your leg out until you reach that branch and then scuttle down to the ground and just…just…just…just…just…just _leave me alone_ for the rest of the day."

Locke gaped at him. "YOU HAVE THE 'JUST' DISEASE!" he yelped.

"What?" Jack looked blank.

"The _just_ disease," Locke clarified. "You've just said the word "just" about a gazillion times. The island is most displeased."

"You take this whole island thing too far sometimes, John," Jack replied curtly. "And _that_ is why we don't see eye to eye sometimes."

They both scowled, Jack's face looking more sweaty than usual. If they'd been even _close_ to friendship, this would've been comical. However, they both wanted nothing more than to get down and pretend this episode had never happened.

"This is just awful," Jack complained.

"Yes…it's a living nightmare," Locke echoed sarcastically, pulling out a bottle of whiskey from his pocket.

Jack gaped at it. "Where did you get _that?_"

"Desmond's secret stash," Locke replied earnestly. "I told Paulo and now I've told _Desmond_ that buried things don't stay buried on this island for too long."

"I hope you're kidding about that, otherwise Nikki, Paulo, Ethan, Eko, Ana, Libby, Boone and Shannon are going to walk out of their graves and eat us alive."

"You watch too many horror films."

"_You_ watch too many of those Dharma films. And then you get ideas. And then you make cataclysmic decisions that affect the whole group. And then you disappear in the jungle never to be seen again except to return to knife people in the back."

Locke grinned. "Yeah, I'm simply the best aren't I? Good times, good times."

A grimace crossed Jack's face. Locke really was the most _delusional_ person he'd ever come across. He looked at the whiskey almost longingly, sighed and then rested his head against the tree, rubbing his hand absent-mindedly against his stubble. _What is he talking about? As if I need to shave,_ he scoffed inwardly. _I'm just perfect the way I am._

As if to remind him that that wasn't true, one of the branches just above him snapped off and made a beautiful conking sound against his head. He rubbed his head, scowled again and bit his lip as it started to tremble.

"Of all the things to fall on my head," he began angrily, "a _branch_ is the silliest thing of them all. I'm _in_ the tree it came from as well! That's like walking along a pavement next to a road and somehow getting hit by a car on the opposite lane!"

"Hit and runs are nothing to joke about," Locke scolded.

"Says the man who got Boone killed and then ran away," Jack pointed out. "What would you call _that?_ A crash and run?"

"I don't care for your tone, Jack. You should respect your superiors…"

"More like my _elders_," Jack corrected with a small, dark chuckle. "Face it, John…you're old. You must be, what, fifty years old? At least? How you manage to walk and hunt when you are _old_ is just…just…just…just…just…just…just _astonishing._"

"The "just" disease," Locke said quietly, half to himself. "It could happen to _you._ It's just ironic that a doctor has such a fatal disease…"

"Oh SHUUUT UUUP, Locke!" Jack moaned, wondering what he'd ever done to do deserve such a fate.

_Meanwhile…_

A cheerful Desmond was walking through the jungle, as all the castaways did at some point during the day. His smile was due to the fact that he'd located _three_ of his 156 missing bottles of whiskey and now he needed a new place to hide them.

Hence why he'd gone traipsing through the jungle in the middle of the day, alone and unarmed.

"I just need a packet of chocolate hobnobs and I'll be set," he said to himself.

The day was a mixture of hot and cold; the wind was surprisingly bitter but the sun's presence stopped it becoming too cold. His pace was quite good and he fancied that he was the new John Locke – only more handsome and with more hair.

Suddenly he stopped in the middle of the path – and stared in absolute wonder. He'd reached a piece of rocky bliss – the caves. His eyes bulged and he started spurting random Scottish words as he began to explore his new found treasure. So what if Jack had found it first?

"I hear by claim this cave and call it…Desmond's cave!" he announced, not being aware of how unoriginal he was at naming things.

Eagerly, he strolled towards it and peered inside. The gloomy darkness was strangely inviting to him and it seemed like an adventure. He'd just about had it with saving Charlie, convincing strange box men to push a button, saving Charlie, occasionally saving an Aussie, saving Charlie and…and… drinking. Those had been his only adventures since stumbling upon the survivors and, frankly, he was sick of it.

"Hello?" he called into the cave.

_"Hello?" _

Desmond clapped his hands in delight. He'd found a friend. A friend who he _didn't_ envision dying every thirty minutes. A friend who resided in the darkness and sounded _just_ like him. A friend who he could call his own and who no one else knew about.

"How are you?" he called cheerfully.

_"How are you?" _his echo called back.

Desmond chuckled lightly. It was _just_ like his new friend to be so polite.

"I asked you first."

_"I asked you first." _

Now Desmond was annoyed. "Oh that's _really_ mature saying EXACTLY what I say!" he yelled.

A brief pause followed and then…

_"Oh that's really mature, saying EXACTLY what I say!"_

He grinned slyly and suddenly came up with a witty comeback, something that would completely bewilder and humiliate his new 'friend'.

"I'm an idiot!" he roared.

_"You're an idiot!" _the voice retaliated.

Desmond growled and stomped his feet, almost resembling Jack as his face curled up into a childish pout. He suddenly decided, in the space of thirty seconds, he was going to make his new friend his new enemy.

"No one makes a fool out of Desmond David Hume," he muttered and turned around to march off, only to trip up a tree root and went flying into his beloved whiskey bottles, causing them to smash around him.

He took one look at his smashed bottles and burst into aggravated tears.

* * *

"I don't know…" Richard sounded dubious. "I don't get why I should help you two humiliate and antagonise each other."

Sawyer rolled his eyes, twirling his lollipop (which he'd stolen from Jack's tent) around and around.

"What's not to get, Zeus?" he demanded. "Haven't _you_ ever competed with anyone? Come on - your gazillion years on this island must have been _so_ boring that you must've done _something_ to piss someone off just for something to do."

Richard, surprisingly, seemed to turn scarlet at his words.

"As I recall, I may have decapitated Ben's dolls at some point," he muttered.

Charlie hooted with laughter.

"That sounds like a spin off story, right there!" he said through his laughter. "The immortal versus the bug eyed boy."

Sawyer joined in with the nicknaming, as you'd expect. "The make up man versus the whiny wimp."

Richard sighed, unused to being part of the camp. He'd only joined because he'd felt surprisingly lonely and wanted to find out about these people who'd crashed here.

"The handsome man versus the ugly midget boy!" Charlie declared.

Sawyer frowned. "You should've quit whilst you were ahead," he informed him. "Now you've just spoilt the whole game AND made yourself sound incredibly weird."

"Get back to your lollipop and stop being so opinionated," was Charlie's annoyed reply.

"I _have_ always wondered what it'd be like to be a quizmaster instead of an adviser," Richard mused, a small smile on his face. "Ok, why not?"

"That's not a good idea, Richard," Ben's cold voice said. "What would Jacob think?"

Sawyer and Charlie turned around and saw him standing there, looking remarkably taller than usual. They saw the stilts and it didn't take a genius to put two and two together and arrive at four as their conclusion.

"How long have you been there?" Charlie suddenly sounded nervous.

"Long enough," Ben replied coolly, raising an eyebrow. "_Bug eyed boy? Whiny wimp? Ugly midget boy?_"

Simultaneously, Sawyer and Charlie pointed to each other and said, "He started it," and then glared at each other.

Ben then surprised them all and chuckled. "Wow I've not freaked you guys out like this in a long while, have I? Good times, good times."

"Good times, my ass," Sawyer muttered underneath his breath. "What do ya want?"

"I heard what you were doing and wanted to help…well, _help_ is rather a loose term. If you choose me, over Richard, to be quiz presenter…I'll never bother you again. _Ever._"

"Done," Sawyer said quickly.

"Undone!" Charlie protested. He turned to Sawyer. "Are you insane? He won't take this seriously and he'll ask us really stupid questions that nobody will be able to answer like…how big was the plane we crashed in?"

"Good point," Sawyer admitted. "Ok, Richard you're back in."

Richard didn't exactly hit the roof. He just stared at them warily, aware they could say one thing and then take it back just as fast. He wasn't exactly afraid of them but some of them could be pretty intense. In this one camp _alone_, you had a torturer, a junkie, a conman and a fugitive. That just spelled a load of trouble in his eyes.

"Um, thanks I guess?" he said, mostly as a way of breaking the awkward silence.

"Can I _at least_ come up with a few questions?" Ben pleaded. "PLEEEEEEEEAASE?"

"Fine, Grumpy," Sawyer sighed. "But for Gawd's sake, don't make the questions so damn hard it'll have us pickin' our brains out for hours on end!"

"Your lack of faith in me hurts, James," Ben said, playfully pouting at him. "Besides…" he scowled, "I still remember what you did to my Sim baby whilst I wasn't looking. Renaming it from Juliet to _Bearded Baby _was NOT funny! It took me _ages_ to rectify it!"

Charlie and Richard shared a single bemused look before erupting into fits of laughter. Sawyer chuckled too but Ben didn't look impressed. His eyes were haunted as he remembered hovering his cursor over that baby and discovering it wasn't Juliet Linus anymore but Bearded Baby Linus. He shuddered and vowed revenge.

"Right the quiz will commence in ten minutes," Richard explained. "Unlike the rest of these challenges, I plan on doing this properly. So…shoo for a bit whilst I come up with questions for you."

"You're banning us from our own beach?" Sawyer sounded incredulous. "I don't think so, jungle boy!"

"Well, let's put it this way," Richard said, surprisingly cheerful. "Either you leave in one piece…or you're knocked down and get a broken nose."

There was a long pause.

"I like this new Richard," Charlie said with a smirk. "He takes no nonsense and he just made you his bitch."

"Shut the hell up and let's get moving!" Sawyer barked, starting to push Charlie up the beach and into the jungle.

"Somebody's got a temper!" Charlie sung as he was dragged away into the jungle. A loud "OUCH!" followed his merriment and then it all went quiet.

"You're going to make this hard for them, aren't you?" Ben enquired quietly, staring at Richard's expressionless face.

"You've no idea," was all he said in reply.

* * *

Jack and Locke, meanwhile, were still sulking in a tree. The former wore an expression close to depression, whilst the latter seemed infuriated by the fact that the island had done to this him.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with t…" Locke tried to get a game going, to cheer them both up.

"Is it _tree_ by any chance?" Jack snarled.

"How did you guess?" Locke asked in surprise.

"BECAUSE WE'RE SURROUNDED BY THEM AND BECAUSE WE'RE STUCK IN ONE!" Jack screamed. "SERIOUSLY! WERE YOUR CRIB BARS MADE OF LEAD PAINT OR SOMETHING?!?YOU'RE SERIOUSLY NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD, MAN!!!"

Locke took this all on the chin and waited for Jack to finish his tantrum and mini rant. The rant took almost ten minutes in fact, evidently down to the fact that Jack had a lot on his mind.

"Are you done?" he enquired. "Or were you planning on yelling until your face turned blue?"

Jack was about to make a rude response when they heard the most _wonderful_ sound in the world…_people!_

"I don't understand why we're being dragged to this," someone complained. "They do this every week and what do they really get from it?"

"Dude, you're such a killjoy. Why do I hang out with you?" Another voice replied.

Neil, a.k.a. "Frogurt" walked into the clearing, accompanied by Hurley.

"Maybe because your best bud is hanging out with the most hated man to ever walk out from underneath a rock?" Neil snapped.

"Dude…" Hurley had spotted Jack and Locke. "Dudes, are you ok?"

"Not really," Jack said through gritted teeth. "Mind helping us get down?"

Hurley stared at him as if he were completely bonkers. "Dude…you _do_ realise you're about two feet from the ground, right? You could just jump it."

Jack turned to Locke, hoping _he_ could talk Hurley out of this nonsensical idea that they could've jumped down instead of wasting time being stuck. To his dismay, Locke's expression was a sheepish one.

"I may have miscalculated the jump down," he admitted. "We could've gotten down ages ago. I did say something…why are you getting that gun out? You do realise that one _is_ loaded…right? Jack…what are you doing? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T MAKE ME GO BOOM BOOM!"

Desmond drifted into the clearing at that precise moment, saw Jack and Locke, turned to walk away and then froze. His eyes, sharp as an eagle's spotted the empty bottle of whiskey in Locke's hands and then his whole body shook with anger.

"Not that I'm an alcoholic," he said slowly. "But…WHAT THE HELL IS _MY_ BOTTLE OF WHISKEY DOING IN YOUR POCKET, BOX MAN?!"

"Dude," Hurley whispered to Neil. "We should get out of here, before they all, like, kill each other. I've seen how it happens. They'll start firing and we'll be in the middle and we'll…get shot."

Neil glanced at him in disgust but obeyed him. They scurried out of the jungle, leaving the three men to argue and yell at each other.

_Back at camp…_

"Hi, I'm Richard Alpert and welcome to the Previously On Lost quiz," Richard announced to the packed beach, consisting mostly of dead people and Vincent.

"WOOOO!" Shannon yelled. "WE'RE IN THIS CHAPTER!"

"Stop showing me up, Shannon!" Boone hissed.

"I've got a gun," Ana announced, looking very proud of herself. "Who's laughing now, bitch?"

"I now have a phobia of blankets," Libby muttered. "Having realised that getting blankets gets me shot, I shall use the sand as my blanket from now on…"

Eko just sharpened his stick and glared menacingly at everyone.

"Bow chicka wow wow," Ethan muttered over and over again.

"Ignore the dead people," Richard commanded the rest of the beach. "Our contestants on today's show are…

"…Charlie Pace, who is from Britain! He plays guitar, stalks cute, pregnant women and enjoys tormenting Sawyer! We also have Sawyer, also known as James Ford, who is a full time con man who enjoys stealing people's stuff and calling it his own, nicknaming people for no apparent reason and winding up Jack!"

"Can we just skip to the quiz itself?" Boone called. "We're only here for _ten_ minutes and we wanna make the most of it!"

"Keep your hair on!" Richard replied indignantly. "You can't rush these things you know! Ok, here's how it works. I ask a question and you each give me your answer. I would've brought a buzzer along but I couldn't find one. Are you ready?"

"Yes," the men replied confidently.

"Let the games begin!" Richard declared. "Ok, question one: in the pilot episode, what number did Jack say he counted to in order to banish the fear?"

"Sounds like a Lily Allen song," Boone commented. He saw everyone's glances. "Considering she's not even released that yet, I should shut up. I scare myself."

"Your answers, gentlemen?" Richard prompted.

Charlie thought for a moment. "Five," he answered confidently.

"996," Sawyer replied, sounding and looking sincere though his eyes twinkled with mischief.

Richard seemed taken aback by Sawyer's answer. "Charlie was correct there and Sawyer…you were _way_ out there."

"Duly noted," Sawyer snapped.

"On what date did Oceanic 815 crash?"

"Easy peasy," Charlie boasted. "September 22nd 2004."

Sawyer shook his head. "No, I disagree. It was the 14th November 2000."

Richard glared at him and it seemed like he was going to throw a tantrum and hit him. Luckily, he regained his composure and continued the quiz.

"Finish this quote: Live together, die….?"

"Alone," Charlie finished, smiling confidently.

"Live together, die insane," Sawyer corrected him. "God, Charlie! You're doin' terrible at the moment. It's like you don't know the show at all."

Charlie glared at him. "Can I have a word with you?" he hissed. "In _private?_"

"Certainly sweetheart," Sawyer simpered.

Once they were in a secluded part of the jungle, Charlie turned around and released the full brunt of his glare on Sawyer.

"What was _that?_" he demanded. "You're up to something because you _never_ let me win at anything. What's your game, sport?"

"Glad you asked," Sawyer replied earnestly. "I'm tryin' to get Captain Eyeliner there to laugh. He rarely smiles and so I aim to brighten his day and get him gigglin' like a baby. Hence why I'm giving such silly responses."

Charlie scowled. "So I'm totally out of the equation now am I?" he asked drily. "Should I go and make the tea or something, seeing how I'm superfluous to requirements?"

"Stop being a menopausal _girl_ and let's continue with this quiz!" Sawyer barked and dragged his younger friend back onto the beach.

Richard acted like they hadn't left and launched back into the quiz.

"What game does Walt discover Locke playing?"

Uncertainly, Charlie took a wild guess. "Monopoly?"

"Wrongo!" Richard crowed. "Sawyer? What's your guess?"

"Walt discovered Locke playing pin the sock on the doctor," Sawyer said. "I play it all the time. Thing is…it's never _my_ socks I use!"

"That is _so_ disturbing!" Ana yelled, rising from where she sat on the beach. "I should just jump you right here, right _now._"

"Audience participation is not appreciated," Richard scolded. "I shall kill you in a minute, with my pretty eyelashes being the last thing you ever see!"

Ana scowled and launched herself at Shannon for lack of anything better to do, thus provoking a vicious and very distracting catfight.

"What's Ben's last name?" Richard asked, enjoying his new role very much.

"Linus," Charlie replied promptly.

"His name is Ben Lying-to-us," Sawyer argued. "Don't you dare disagree, Chuckles, 'cause you _know_ it makes sense."

"What profession was Ana Lucia?" Richard enquired. "Be careful what you say, Ford, as she is standing right behind you."

"Ooh I'm _so_ scared," Sawyer said mockingly. "If I was to have a guess, I'd say she was a ballet dancer."

"YOU SAYIN' I'M A SISSY?" Ana bellowed, her face turning red with fury. "I'll take you out right here, right now man, with THESE babies!" She held up her fists as she marched towards him, only to be stopped in her tracks by an abnormally lucid Shannon.

"I'll guess she was some sort of wrestler," Charlie said. "Either that or a cop."

Ana clapped her hands in approval, causing Eko to hit her on the head with his Jesus stick for being too out of character.

Richard, having never seen Eko's legendary Jesus stick, laughed aloud as he saw Ana's bewildered expressions. He _really_ laughed, as though he'd forgotten how and was only just remembering how to do it. It wasn't as if he didn't have a sense of humour but he liked humour that came naturally from what people did, or the way they reacted to things hence why he didn't appreciate Sawyer's dismal attempts to make him crack a laugh.

"Who is this guy?" Shannon enquired, painting her nails electric blue just for the hell of it. "He's kinda cute."

"Just great, Shan," Boone snapped. "We're _dead_ and you still find time to paint your nails and ogle strangers!"

"Peace," was all Eko said.

"THE BLANKETS WILL GET ME!" Libby suddenly shrieked and then raced off, hysterical at the thought of being chased by those…er…menacing blankets.

Sawyer turned to Charlie, initially exasperated by the fact his dismal plan had failed. However, after seeing the dead descend into utter chaos and after watching Ana leap onto Eko's back just because she 'felt like it', he collapsed into hysterics and slid to the ground, weeping out of laughter.

Ben stood a few miles away from the group, infuriated that _none_ of his questions had been answered. He'd had some brilliant ones, ones which depicted the minor details of the show that could easily have gone unnoticed.

"THIS. IS. UNFAIR!" he bellowed, wailing as his stilts snapped causing him to tumble down a sand bank and across the shore, never to be seen again.

_A few miles away…_

"This is stupid," Claire grumbled. "This is a lousy idea for a date."

Smokey glared at her. "I do not have a brain to fully understand what you just said," he droned. "But I sense you are not happy?"

"A good first date involves candles and music and nice food," Claire shouted. "Not making sandcastles and eating raw fish! I hate this place…" she added mutinously. "I will kill Sayid."

"Considering I become your only friend in a few seasons," Smokey snapped. "I wouldn't take that tone. Where's your son anyway?"

"Aaron is…somewhere," Claire responded. "I think Sun has him." She glanced around worriedly. "Where's Charlie anyway?"

Smokey ignored her and continued making sandcastles, using his awesome smokiness to move the bucket. Only problem was…he couldn't flip it over.

"Can you flip my bucket?" he asked.

Claire ignored him. "What's going on at camp?" she asked, noticing the chaos that was going on. "Why is Eko giving Ana a piggyback? And why is Richard crying with laughter? I am so confused!"

"Can you flip my bucket?"

"Why is Boone trying to rebury Shannon? Oh my God, Sawyer is wetting himself with laughter! What did I miss?"

"Can you please bucket my flip? I mean, flip my bucket?"

"OH NOOOOO!" Claire wailed. "THEY'RE HAVING FUN WITHOUT ME!" She pouted, looking upset that everyone else had done something really fun without her.

Smokey suddenly became extremely angry. "EXCUSE ME! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU TO HELP ME MAKE A SANDCASTLE AND YOU'RE BEING A LOUSY DATE!" he roared. "SO FOR JACOB'S SAKE…..BUCKET!!!" He looked around. "Where did she go?"

Turned out his tantrum had blown her into the ocean, past the weird statue, around the island and onto a tree; the same tree, in fact, which Jack and Locke had become stuck on.

"I appear to be stuck," she observed to herself. "JACK?! LOCKE?!" She glanced around and then felt her bottom lip tremble with worry. "ANYBODY?!"


End file.
